Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
Many today have come to the conclusion that retired seniors should be supported by the government and not left to their own meagre resources. While I agree there are certain cases where governments are liable, citizens ought to be incentivised to handle their own finances.
The main reason many support a government backed retirement plan is the dire condition of many seniors. There are a number of possible causes deserving due attention. Some seniors are without family, others may be war veterans and have trouble finding work due to physical or psychological impairments, and still others may be victims of economic downturns. Without support they must fall on the mercy of society and will wind up at soup kitchens and seeking out chronic charity or even begging. Simply put, governments are their last refuge and in the best position to lend a helping hand.
Despite the rare instances mentioned above, nations ought to encourage ownership of one’s own future. If all citizens knew the government would provide a decent retirement fund for them, they would have little incentive to work hard, save money and make wise investments. Governments deal with large sample sizes and, granted this would not happen with many responsible adults, it still poses a sizeable national risk. An analogous example of this is the way parents raise their children. They provide for them early on, much like how governments offer free schooling, but then children are expected to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. Parents that coddle their children for too long end up spoiling them in the same way that a national retirement fund would deprive individuals of the opportunity to become self-reliant.
In conclusion, the advantages of a more self-assured, mature citizenry outweigh the odd unavoidable case of desperation. There should be a degree of balance to allow for these exceptions while still nurturing more life-affirming values.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Avoid redundancy Original: retired seniors Suggested revision: retirees Why it matters: 'Retirees' conveys the same meaning without the redundant combination of 'retired' and 'seniors'.
- 2. Correct the collocation Original: governments are liable Suggested revision: governments are responsible for providing support Why it matters: 'Liable' does not naturally express a government's duty to support people in this context.
- 3. Clarify the hardship Original: dire condition of many seniors Suggested revision: difficult circumstances faced by many seniors Why it matters: The plural idea of varied financial and personal hardships is expressed more precisely as 'circumstances'.
- 4. Correct the idiom Original: fall Suggested revision: depend Why it matters: The standard expression here is 'depend on the mercy of' rather than 'fall on the mercy of'.
- 5. Restore parallel structure Original: will wind up at soup kitchens and seeking out Suggested revision: may end up relying on soup kitchens and seeking Why it matters: The two coordinated actions now use parallel gerund forms and avoid an unjustifiably certain prediction.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: chronic charity Suggested revision: ongoing charitable support Why it matters: 'Chronic charity' is not a natural collocation for continuing financial assistance.
- 7. Use precise wording Original: ownership of one’s own future Suggested revision: responsibility for one’s own future Why it matters: 'Responsibility for' more directly expresses the intended idea of personal financial self-reliance.
- 8. Use concise phrasing Original: An analogous example of this is Suggested revision: An analogy is Why it matters: The shorter phrase introduces the parent-child comparison without unnecessary wording.
- 9. Use people pronoun Original: that Suggested revision: who Why it matters: 'Who' is the standard relative pronoun when referring to people.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: There are a number of possible causes deserving due attention. Suggested revision: Several causes of this hardship deserve attention. Why it matters: The revision identifies what has causes and removes the vague, wordy construction.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: Governments deal with large sample sizes and, granted this would not happen with many responsible adults, it still poses a sizeable national risk. Suggested revision: Governments serve large populations and, although many adults would remain responsible, even a minority failing to save would still pose a sizeable national risk. Why it matters: The revision replaces the inappropriate research term and makes the concession connect logically to the national risk.
Suggested Rewrites
- retired seniors retirees
- governments are liable governments are responsible for providing support
- dire condition of many seniors difficult circumstances faced by many seniors
- fall depend
- will wind up at soup kitchens and seeking out may end up relying on soup kitchens and seeking
- chronic charity ongoing charitable support
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is persuasive and well organised, giving both perspectives meaningful attention while sustaining a nuanced preference for personal responsibility with targeted state support. Its main limitation is occasional imprecise or overstated phrasing, particularly around incentives and the scale of government risk. Refining those claims and choosing more exact collocations would make the reasoning consistently authoritative.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are directly discussed, the writer's qualified opinion remains clear, and the main ideas are well extended with relevant reasoning and illustration.
Qualify broad claims about citizens losing motivation and explain more precisely how a balanced support system would operate.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses smoothly from exceptional need to general self-reliance, with well-managed paragraphs and cohesive relationships.
Make the transition from individual examples to the national-risk claim slightly more explicit to strengthen the logical chain.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is flexible, varied, and often precise, with only occasional strained expressions such as chronic charity and large sample sizes.
Replace the few unusual collocations with more idiomatic policy language while preserving the response's strong lexical range.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are varied and controlled throughout, and the few minor slips do not affect clarity.
Polish minor punctuation and hyphenation details, especially in compound modifiers, to achieve greater technical consistency.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.