Some opine that individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. They think that we must return to older and more traditional values such as respect for the elderly people and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Some people argue that modern society is driven by individual greed and selfishness, which they believe have led to social and moral decline. These critics suggest that returning to traditional values, such as respect for the elderly and a stronger sense of community, could improve the world. While I acknowledge that some aspects of modern society promote self-interest, I believe that a complete return to older values is not a realistic solution.
The idea that returning entirely to traditional values will improve society overlooks the fact that modern advancements have fostered many positive changes. For instance, individualism has enabled personal freedom, innovation, and the empowerment of marginalized groups. Women and minorities now have more opportunities than in the past, where traditional norms often did limit their roles in society in the past.
Another reason why a complete return to traditional values is impractical is the changing nature of modern society’s economic and social structures. In the past, communities were more tightly knit, and people often lived in the same place for most of their lives, which made traditional values more relevant. However, in today’s globalised world, individuals are more mobile and more likely to seek opportunities far from their hometowns. This has led to a more diverse and dynamic society where individual ambitions and career aspirations often take precedence over older values such as community-based living or generational co-dependence. Expecting modern individuals to fully embrace traditional values in such a fluid and fast-paced environment is unrealistic and could hinder personal and professional growth.
In conclusion, while certain traditional values like respect for elders and community responsibility could help address some of the issues facing modern society, a complete return to these values is neither feasible nor desirable.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: advancements Suggested revision: developments Why it matters: "Modern developments" is a more natural phrase for broad social progress.
- 2. Choose precise verb Original: enabled Suggested revision: expanded Why it matters: "Expanded" expresses the increase in personal freedom more precisely.
- 3. Remove unnecessary relative Original: Another reason why Suggested revision: Another reason Why it matters: The noun "reason" can be followed directly by the clause in this structure.
- 4. Use more precise noun Original: changing nature Suggested revision: evolution Why it matters: "Evolution" expresses the gradual transformation of these structures more concisely.
- 5. Streamline comparison Original: individuals are more mobile and more likely Suggested revision: individuals are more mobile and likely Why it matters: The second "more" is unnecessary because both adjectives share the same comparative frame.
- 6. Clarify reference Original: This has led Suggested revision: These changes have led Why it matters: Naming the preceding social changes gives the reference a clearer antecedent.
- 7. Use concise term Original: community-based living Suggested revision: communal living Why it matters: "Communal living" conveys the intended idea more naturally and concisely.
- 8. Correct the concept Original: generational co-dependence Suggested revision: intergenerational interdependence Why it matters: The intended mutual reliance between generations is "intergenerational interdependence."
- 9. Use natural phrasing Original: modern individuals Suggested revision: people today Why it matters: "People today" is more idiomatic when referring to people in contemporary society.
- 10. Use formal example marker Original: values like Suggested revision: values such as Why it matters: "Such as" introduces examples in a more formal academic register.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: Women and minorities now have more opportunities than in the past, where traditional norms often did limit their roles in society in the past. Suggested revision: Women and minorities now have more opportunities than they did when traditional norms often limited their roles in society. Why it matters: This rewrite removes the faulty use of "where," the unnecessary auxiliary, and the repeated time phrase.
Suggested Rewrites
- advancements developments
- enabled expanded
- Another reason why Another reason
- changing nature evolution
- individuals are more mobile and more likely individuals are more mobile and likely
- This has led These changes have led
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, nuanced position and develops its case through relevant discussion of individual freedom and changing social structures. Its main limitation is that it gives relatively little direct analysis of the claim that greed and selfishness underpin modern society, concentrating instead on whether traditional values can be restored. The priority is to examine both parts of the proposition more explicitly and connect each argument to the stated degree of agreement.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is sustained and supported with developed reasons, although the claim about greed and selfishness receives limited direct analysis.
Address the alleged role of greed and selfishness explicitly before evaluating whether a return to traditional values would be desirable.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices used naturally and unobtrusively.
Strengthen the link between the first body paragraph and the precise wording of the central proposition.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary conveys abstract social ideas effectively, with only isolated awkward phrasing and repetition.
Replace slightly cumbersome expressions such as references to generational co-dependence with more natural, exact wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is used accurately, and the isolated grammatical lapse does not impede communication.
Edit for occasional redundancy, particularly where tense emphasis and time phrases repeat the same meaning.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some opine that individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. They think that we must return to older and more traditional values such as respect for the elderly people and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
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