Nowadays most green energy is becoming evermore prevalent in both developed and developing countries. Some argue they greatly reduce costs and are better for the environment, others believe they are a serious threat to energy security. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
The world today uses more renewable energy than ever before since it contributes to the preservation of the environment and is economically sound; however, some argue that green energy could undermine the reliability of the global supply as a result of its dependency on climatic and meteorological phenomena. This essay will examine both views, but personally, I strongly advocate the adoption of renewable sources of energy.
On the one hand, opponents of renewables claim that the world could face disruptions to the power supply should they be fully adopted. This is largely due to the fact that many green energy technologies currently in use depend on changeable and unpredictable phenomena such as wind, rain and cloud cover.
To take the fastest growing sector as an example, solar panels can only be used in the presence of strong and direct sunlight, and although the problem of directness has already been somewhat solved with moving panel arrays, a cloudy few days could still result in a blackout if we depended entirely on solar power; something that is unlikely to occur today given current oil stockpiles.
However, fossil fuels are a larger threat to energy security since they are certainly finite in quantity, whereas renewable energy is effectively infinite; once the Earth’s oil is depleted, there will be no energy security without green energy technologies.
Furthermore, problems of unpredictability can be mitigated by improving battery technologies (to create a larger buffer), building more renewable energy generators (to increase supply during ideal conditions) and improving current technologies (to increase efficiency), such as in the moving solar panel example. Proponents of renewables therefore claim that they are the most economically sound option.
To conclude, while many may believe that green energy technologies are a threat to energy security, the fossil fuels they frequently promote are a greater threat, and renewables are in fact the only sound option, both economically and environmentally.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Specify the supply Original: the global supply Suggested revision: the global energy supply Why it matters: Adding 'energy' makes the reference precise.
- 2. Use concise collocation Original: as a result of its dependency on Suggested revision: because of its dependence on Why it matters: The replacement is more concise and uses the standard noun collocation.
- 3. Improve logical link Original: but personally, I strongly advocate Suggested revision: and I strongly advocate Why it matters: The opinion complements the promise to examine both views, so an additive link is clearer than a contrast.
- 4. Clarify exclusive reliance Original: should they be fully adopted Suggested revision: if they were adopted exclusively Why it matters: The replacement clarifies that the claimed risk concerns complete reliance on renewables.
- 5. Use precise terminology Original: changeable and unpredictable phenomena Suggested revision: variable and unpredictable conditions Why it matters: Weather factors such as wind and cloud cover are more naturally described as conditions.
- 6. Coordinate the adjectives Original: presence of strong and direct sunlight Suggested revision: presence of strong, direct sunlight Why it matters: A comma clearly coordinates the two adjectives describing sunlight.
- 7. Clarify the reference Original: problem of directness Suggested revision: need for direct sunlight Why it matters: 'Directness' is vague, while the replacement identifies the exact requirement being discussed.
- 8. Fix word order Original: a cloudy few days Suggested revision: a few cloudy days Why it matters: The quantifier must precede the adjective and plural noun in this phrase.
- 9. Fix clause punctuation Original: solar power; something that Suggested revision: solar power, something that Why it matters: A semicolon cannot introduce the dependent supplementary phrase beginning with 'something that.'
- 10. Use natural comparison Original: fossil fuels are a larger threat Suggested revision: fossil fuels pose a greater threat Why it matters: 'Pose a greater threat' is the natural collocation for comparing degrees of risk.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: Furthermore, problems of unpredictability can be mitigated by improving battery technologies (to create a larger buffer), building more renewable energy generators (to increase supply during ideal conditions) and improving current technologies (to increase efficiency), such as in the moving solar panel example. Suggested revision: Furthermore, the unpredictability of renewable energy can be mitigated by improving battery technology to create a larger buffer, increasing generating capacity to boost supply under ideal conditions, and making current systems more efficient, as illustrated by moving solar panels. Why it matters: The rewrite makes the three proposed measures parallel and integrates their purposes without interruptive parentheses.
Suggested Rewrites
- the global supply the global energy supply
- as a result of its dependency on because of its dependence on
- but personally, I strongly advocate and I strongly advocate
- should they be fully adopted if they were adopted exclusively
- changeable and unpredictable phenomena variable and unpredictable conditions
- presence of strong and direct sunlight presence of strong, direct sunlight
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay presents a persuasive, clearly sustained position and develops the energy-security argument with sophisticated reasoning and concrete technological solutions. However, the opposing claim that renewables reduce costs and benefit the environment receives limited direct development, leaving the discussion somewhat unbalanced. The highest-priority improvement is to explain those two advertised advantages with the same depth given to intermittency and finite fossil-fuel supplies.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views and a clear opinion are present, but the environmental and cost advantages in the favorable view are asserted more than they are developed.
Devote explicit explanation and support to the claimed cost savings and environmental benefits before weighing the two positions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses smoothly from the security concern to rebuttal and mitigation, with cohesive devices used accurately and paragraphs serving clear functions.
Integrate the short rebuttal paragraph more closely with the following solutions paragraph to strengthen the balance of the discussion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and flexible, including effective language for energy reliability, finite resources, and technological mitigation.
Refine the few slightly awkward choices, such as dependency and the problem of directness, into more idiomatic technical phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled with strong control, and the few punctuation or phrasing lapses do not impede communication.
Polish punctuation around long clauses and avoid attaching a sentence fragment after a semicolon.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays most green energy is becoming evermore prevalent in both developed and developing countries. Some argue they greatly reduce costs and are better for the environment, others believe they are a serious threat to energy security. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.