The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree?
Sample Response
The increasing popularity of entertainment on portable devices is believed to have a negative effect on individuals and society. In my opinion, I think this development has both benefits and drawbacks.
To begin with, the availability of entertainment on handheld devices is advantageous in many ways. From an individual perspective, video games and other types of entertainment serve as excellent relaxation tools for people who suffer from high levels of work-related stress. These convenient sources of entertainment allow people to destress whenever they want, either during breaks or after a long day at work, without having any impact on their productivity. Also, many mobile games help to create global communities for people sharing the same interests. For example, PUBG mobile has successfully hosted international events and competitions, and thus connected millions of players together from all around the world.
Beneficial as it may be, entertainment on handheld devices can bring about several negative impacts. Since video games are addictive, many young people these days spend too much time on their devices, and therefore isolate themselves from their families and friends. This lack of face-to-face interaction not only hurts many real-life relationships but also increases the risk of mental health issues among the youth. In addition, when people waste large amounts of time on video games, they tend to be less physically active, which can eventually lead to a society of people leading sedentary lifestyles. Lack of exercise over a long period of time makes people vulnerable to metabolic diseases such as obesity, causing the deterioration of health and burdening a country’s healthcare system.
In conclusion, although the accessibility of entertainment on portable devices can result in many health risks, they can also be effective stress relievers for many people, and encourage the networking of like-minded individuals across the globe.
TR: 7.0 CC: 8.0 LR: 8.0 GRA: 9.0
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant stance Original: In my opinion, I think Suggested revision: I think Why it matters: Both expressions mark the writer's opinion, so using one is sufficient.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: relaxation tools Suggested revision: ways to relax Why it matters: Ways to relax is a more natural description of the function of entertainment.
- 3. Improve phrase structure Original: help to create global communities for people sharing the same interests Suggested revision: help create global communities of people who share the same interests Why it matters: The revised noun phrase and relative clause express the relationship more naturally.
- 4. Capitalize the title Original: mobile Suggested revision: Mobile Why it matters: Mobile is part of the game's proper title and requires a capital letter.
- 5. Remove redundant adverb Original: connected millions of players together Suggested revision: connected millions of players Why it matters: Connected already conveys bringing players together.
- 6. Remove redundant quantifier Original: from all around the world Suggested revision: from around the world Why it matters: Around the world already indicates global scope, making all unnecessary.
- 7. Use natural collocation Original: impacts Suggested revision: effects Why it matters: Negative effects is the more natural collocation in this context.
- 8. Remove unnecessary comma Original: , and therefore isolate Suggested revision: and therefore isolate Why it matters: The coordinated verbs share the same subject, so a comma is not needed.
- 9. Use natural expression Original: among the youth Suggested revision: among young people Why it matters: Young people is the more natural collective expression in this context.
- 10. Avoid repeated wording Original: a society of people leading sedentary lifestyles Suggested revision: a society with widespread sedentary lifestyles Why it matters: The revision avoids the awkward repetition of lead and leading in the same clause.
- 11. Fix pronoun agreement Original: they Suggested revision: it Why it matters: The pronoun must agree with the singular noun accessibility.
- 12. Use concise phrasing Original: encourage the networking of like-minded individuals Suggested revision: encourage networking among like-minded individuals Why it matters: Networking among is more concise and idiomatic than the networking of.
Suggested Rewrites
- In my opinion, I think I think
- relaxation tools ways to relax
- help to create global communities for people sharing the same interests help create global communities of people who share the same interests
- mobile Mobile
- connected millions of players together connected millions of players
- from all around the world from around the world
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its fluent, well-organised development of both the social benefits and the health-related harms of portable entertainment, with relevant causal explanation. Its main limitation is that the position remains a balanced list rather than a precise answer about the extent of agreement; the highest priority is to state which side ultimately carries more weight and sustain that judgement through the conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Relevant benefits and harms are developed convincingly, but the thesis and conclusion do not specify the extent to which the writer agrees with the claim.
Give a clear degree of agreement and explicitly weigh the benefits against the more serious individual and social harms.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses smoothly through well-focused paragraphs, with effective logical links within and between ideas.
Make the final paragraph synthesize the two sides in the same priority order established by the thesis.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and precise, particularly in the discussion of stress, social isolation, sedentary lifestyles, and healthcare burdens.
Remove minor redundancy in phrases such as connected millions of players together and choose the most economical precise wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response demonstrates flexible control of complex clauses and varied sentence patterns, with only isolated lapses.
Correct the pronoun reference in the conclusion so accessibility is not followed by the plural pronoun they.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.