People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
People who cause their own illness due to the consumption of fast food and poor diets should have to pay more for health care.
On the one hand, fast food makes life easier. Junk food can be prepared easily, and the cost is very low. Most of the hotels provide these kinds of food as the demand is also high for fast food. Even children are interested in these food items. They can be made at home in emergency cases as it requires only less time for cooking. It replaces most of the fruits and vegetables which are available from our own garden. Thus the minerals and vitamins which were supposed to be available from natural food are also lost.
On the other hand, it contains various chemicals like Mono Sodium Glutamate (MSG), which is a banned substance due to the after-effects that occur on human health because of its consumption. It is also a flavouring substance as it makes the user repeat the usage of fast food. These chemicals can even lead to death. Poor diets and lack of exercise also cause a negative impact on health. Due to the negligence in the field of exercise, diseases like obesity are affected and reduce productivity.
In my opinion, the continuous usage of fast food and poor diet can cause severe health issues, which result in in-hospital treatment. For this, a lot amount should be required for the bills. Thus the money saved on healthy food by replacing it with fast food must be spent at hospitals and medicines. And also, health is already lost, resulting in very disastrous old age. Hence it is advisable to reduce the usage of fast food and promote the consumption of healthy natural food.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use plural noun Original: illness Suggested revision: illnesses Why it matters: The plural subject people requires the plural noun illnesses in this general claim.
- 2. Choose accurate venue Original: Most of the hotels Suggested revision: Most restaurants Why it matters: Restaurants, rather than hotels generally, are the businesses that provide food in the stated context.
- 3. Use uncountable noun Original: these kinds of food Suggested revision: this kind of food Why it matters: Food is uncountable in this general expression, so this kind is appropriate.
- 4. Match general meaning Original: which were supposed to be available Suggested revision: that should be obtained Why it matters: The revision removes the inappropriate past form and states the intended general source of nutrients.
- 5. Clarify pronoun reference Original: it contains various chemicals Suggested revision: fast food contains various chemicals Why it matters: The pronoun it has no clear singular antecedent at the start of this paragraph.
- 6. Use concise collocation Original: after-effects that occur on human health Suggested revision: adverse effects on human health Why it matters: Adverse effects on health is the natural and concise collocation.
- 7. Correct verb collocation Original: cause Suggested revision: have Why it matters: An impact is normally described with have, while cause would take a noun such as harm.
- 8. Use natural phrase Original: continuous usage of fast food Suggested revision: continual consumption of fast food Why it matters: Consumption is the precise noun for repeatedly eating fast food.
- 9. Fix agreement and wording Original: which result in in-hospital treatment Suggested revision: that may require hospital treatment Why it matters: The clause needs to agree with issues and express that the issues require treatment.
- 10. Use quantity phrase Original: lot Suggested revision: large Why it matters: A lot cannot directly modify amount in this construction.
- 11. Clarify necessity Original: should be required for the bills Suggested revision: is needed to pay the bills Why it matters: The revision supplies the correct passive meaning and purpose construction.
- 12. Clarify replacement Original: saved on healthy food by replacing it with fast food Suggested revision: saved by replacing healthy food with fast food Why it matters: The revised word order makes clear what is replaced and how the money is saved.
Suggested Rewrites
- illness illnesses
- Most of the hotels Most restaurants
- these kinds of food this kind of food
- which were supposed to be available that should be obtained
- it contains various chemicals fast food contains various chemicals
- after-effects that occur on human health adverse effects on human health
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response is organised around the health effects of fast food and communicates its ideas with a generally clear sequence. Its central weakness is task fulfilment: after briefly agreeing with the proposition, it does not explain why self-inflicted illness should lead to higher healthcare charges, and the conclusion recommends healthier eating instead. Refocus every body paragraph on the payment question, using reasons and examples that directly justify the stated position.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The opening agrees with the proposition, but the body mainly describes fast food and illness without developing the required argument about paying more for healthcare.
Build the essay around whether higher charges are fair or effective, with each paragraph directly supporting that position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and basic sequencing are clear, but the one-hand structure does not establish a meaningful contrast and some links are mechanical.
Give each paragraph a distinct argumentative purpose and use transitions that accurately express the relationship between ideas.
Lexical Resource
There is sufficient vocabulary to discuss diet and health, but repetition and frequent awkward collocations reduce accuracy and flexibility.
Use precise alternatives for repeated terms and correct unnatural phrases about illness, costs, treatment, and food consumption.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex forms are attempted and meaning is usually clear, though article, agreement, pronoun, and preposition errors occur regularly.
Edit recurring noun-phrase and verb-agreement errors, then check prepositions in expressions about spending and healthcare.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.