More and more people are seriously overweight. Some people suggest the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Inveigled by their aroma and the gut’s responsive bleat, people today have been completely ensnared by their favourite fast-food treat. However, this transient decoy comes with its ramifications. The primary causative effect that it causes is a fallacious and unhealthy body mass index of people owing to their obesity. To this, some people peddle forth to increase the selling prices of such fast-food products causing health hazards. However, I would differ from the viewpoint presented. In the subsequent paragraphs, I shall propound my views on the issue.
To begin with, as is rife, modernization has caused and paved the way for the cornered sections of the society to be educated, empowered, and employable, and with it, more and more working professionals have come along. With more people entangled in their daily workloads, lesser emphasis has thus naturally been on cooking the meals at home, and more so, the hoopla of managing both has certainly been overwhelming and making one feel work like a trojan. In such a “click and flick” era where a significant number of people may approach their fast-food outlets easily, simply putting a higher price quotation couldn’t ever curb people from consuming and feasting on junk food. More so, as is found in a survey, people falling in the bracket of the upper class with an above-average income, are found to be the steadfast consumers of such packaged and unhealthy meals. Hence, as is pretty comprehensible, raising the prices of these eatables wouldn’t make much of a dent in the pockets of people who may afford it easily.
The wages of people in concomitance to what they could frugally spend would be negligible, even after upheaving the taxes on such edible items. The striking need of the hour is to make people more aware of the cataclysmic causes of having such food that might render them extremely unhealthy and frail. Acknowledging people with the detrimental corollary and pernicious eventualities of having an imbalanced diet and a decrepit BMI may keep them alarmed and watchful of what they are being served or choose to be served with to eat. The health confederations should focus on pragmatic and logical foregrounds where they check the roots of such causes. That would perspicuously mean indoctrinating people and spending providently on such health counselling sessions.
Although putting junk platters on a high tax bracket might, to an extent, mitigate the consumption, it couldn’t entirely debase the proliferation of such unhealthy lifestyles that could only get etched in the minds of people upon their being guided and informed.
Hence, to conclude, we may say that increasing the prices and making junk foods expensive couldn’t go in alignment with the idea of keeping people fit and healthy. Rather it is extremely important to enlighten and propagandize the benefits of a sound lifestyle and the malignant denouement of fattening and chemically preserved food.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use an accurate noun Original: transient decoy Suggested revision: temporary temptation Why it matters: 'Decoy' means something used to lure or distract, whereas the intended idea is a short-lived temptation.
- 2. Use a direct expression Original: comes with its ramifications Suggested revision: has serious consequences Why it matters: The replacement conveys the consequence clearly without an awkward possessive construction.
- 3. Use a logical transition Original: To this Suggested revision: In response Why it matters: 'In response' clearly links the proposal to the problem described previously.
- 4. Replace the incorrect phrase Original: peddle forth to increase Suggested revision: propose increasing Why it matters: 'Peddle forth' is not appropriate for introducing a policy proposal.
- 5. Delete the unclear phrase Original: as is rife Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: 'As is rife' has no clear referent and does not contribute a meaningful transition.
- 6. Remove faulty coordination Original: caused and paved the way for Suggested revision: paved the way for Why it matters: 'Caused' lacks a separate object here and redundantly overlaps with 'paved the way for'.
- 7. Use the correct term Original: cornered sections of the society Suggested revision: marginalized sections of society Why it matters: 'Cornered sections' is not an established expression for disadvantaged social groups.
- 8. Correct the verb choice Original: people may approach their fast-food outlets easily Suggested revision: people can easily access fast-food outlets Why it matters: People 'access' or visit outlets; they do not normally 'approach their outlets' in this sense.
- 9. Use a natural collocation Original: putting a higher price quotation Suggested revision: charging a higher price Why it matters: Businesses 'charge a higher price'; 'putting a price quotation' is not natural in this context.
- 10. Correct the verb pattern Original: curb people from consuming and feasting on junk food Suggested revision: discourage people from eating junk food Why it matters: The standard pattern is 'discourage someone from doing something', while 'curb' normally takes the activity as its object.
- 11. Introduce evidence directly Original: as is found in a survey Suggested revision: according to a survey Why it matters: This conventional phrase introduces the cited evidence more clearly.
- 12. Replace the wordy phrase Original: people falling in the bracket of the upper class with an above-average income Suggested revision: upper-income people Why it matters: The replacement states the same group clearly and avoids several awkward collocations.
Suggested Rewrites
- transient decoy temporary temptation
- comes with its ramifications has serious consequences
- To this In response
- peddle forth to increase propose increasing
- as is rife Delete
- caused and paved the way for paved the way for
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear disagreement and offers identifiable reasons, especially the limited effect of higher prices on wealthier consumers and the value of public education. However, excessive verbosity, tangential discussion, and persistent misuse of sophisticated vocabulary often blur the logic and reduce precision. The highest-priority improvement is to express two directly relevant arguments in simpler, accurately chosen language and support each with a clear causal explanation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A consistent position and relevant alternatives are presented, but parts of the discussion are tangential, overgeneralized, or insufficiently supported.
Focus directly on why price increases would or would not change consumption across income groups, using one credible example for each main claim.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has recognizable paragraphing and an overall line of argument, but long digressions and overloaded sentences weaken progression.
Give each body paragraph one clear claim and remove material that does not directly advance the response to the proposed price increase.
Lexical Resource
The writer attempts an extensive vocabulary, but frequent inappropriate word choices and collocations repeatedly obscure otherwise relevant ideas.
Prefer familiar, precise words and verify collocations instead of using rare terms such as inveigled, confederations, indoctrinating, and denouement in unsuitable contexts.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a range of complex structures, but frequent awkward constructions, agreement problems, and faulty clause combinations reduce clarity.
Shorten long sentences and check each clause for a clear subject, controlled verb form, and accurate modifier attachment.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
More and more people are seriously overweight. Some people suggest the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.