More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
There could be said to be an increasing number of individuals who are becoming obese. Recent policy decisions have proposed that a price hike on fattening foods be implemented in order to dissuade people from consuming them and thereby curbing the obesity epidemic. I personally think that while this measure might help, it would not be nearly as effective as other measures such as portion control.
Whilst there is no doubt in my mind that making fattening sugary foods more expensive would certainly curb the rise in obesity, it is still uncertain that it would necessarily be as effective as we might expect due to the price inelasticity of fast food products. Some might state the law of supply and demand as a reason why we might expect sugary food consumption to decrease when prices rise, but behavioral economics might propose that people would be more than eager to hand over more money for the fattening foods that they enjoy. This is why other addictive substances such as cigarettes, for example, have also been shown to be somewhat immune to price increases.
Furthermore, a larger issue may actually be portion control, as having larger portions in each meal could actually encourage people to eat more. Particularly in fast food chains, food portions are exorbitantly large leading to each meal being calorically higher than normal meals. If portions are decreased for every meal, even if the price is lowered, it could lead to people consuming less calories per meal and thus becoming less obese. Studies have shown that by making bowls smaller, for example, individuals also consume less food. If governments apply this method to fast food restaurants, it could potentially decrease obesity rates more effectively than price hikes could.
Overall, I argue that whilst increasing the price of fattening foods might help to a degree, I argue that other options such as portion control might be more effective.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use direct opening Original: There could be said to be Suggested revision: There is Why it matters: The shorter form states the same idea more directly.
- 2. Restore verb parallelism Original: curbing Suggested revision: curb Why it matters: Curb must be parallel with dissuade after in order to.
- 3. Clarify food categories Original: fattening sugary foods Suggested revision: high-fat and sugary foods Why it matters: The revision clearly coordinates the two types of unhealthy food.
- 4. Reduce excessive hedging Original: it is still uncertain that it would necessarily be as effective Suggested revision: it may not be as effective Why it matters: The original stacks several uncertainty markers and obscures the comparison.
- 5. Use correct collocation Original: state Suggested revision: cite Why it matters: Cite is the natural verb when referring to a principle as supporting evidence.
- 6. Use precise reporting verb Original: behavioral economics might propose Suggested revision: behavioral economics suggests Why it matters: Suggests is a more natural reporting verb for what a field of study indicates.
- 7. Avoid unintended enthusiasm Original: more than eager Suggested revision: willing Why it matters: Eager implies enthusiasm, whereas the point only requires continued willingness to pay.
- 8. Correct category noun Original: substances Suggested revision: products Why it matters: Cigarettes are products rather than substances.
- 9. Fix adjective collocation Original: exorbitantly Suggested revision: excessively Why it matters: Exorbitant normally describes prices or demands, while excessive fits portion size.
- 10. Use countable quantifier Original: less Suggested revision: fewer Why it matters: Calories are countable, so fewer is required instead of less.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: If governments apply this method to fast food restaurants, it could potentially decrease obesity rates more effectively than price hikes could. Suggested revision: If governments require fast-food restaurants to use this method, the policy could decrease obesity rates more effectively than price hikes could. Why it matters: The rewrite clarifies how governments act and gives it an explicit referent.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: Overall, I argue that whilst increasing the price of fattening foods might help to a degree, I argue that other options such as portion control might be more effective. Suggested revision: Overall, while increasing the price of fattening foods might help to a degree, I argue that other options such as portion control might be more effective. Why it matters: Removing the repeated reporting phrase makes the contrast flow more smoothly.
Suggested Rewrites
- There could be said to be There is
- curbing curb
- fattening sugary foods high-fat and sugary foods
- it is still uncertain that it would necessarily be as effective it may not be as effective
- state cite
- behavioral economics might propose behavioral economics suggests
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay presents a clear, nuanced position and develops a persuasive comparison between price rises and portion control with relevant explanations and examples. Its main limitation is occasional imprecision and minor grammatical awkwardness in otherwise sophisticated sentences. The best next step is to edit for exact comparative wording and cleaner clause structure while retaining the strong analytical development.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses the proposition, sustains a clear qualified position, and develops both the proposed measure and a plausible alternative in depth.
Refine the supporting claims so that comparisons of effectiveness are framed with consistently precise causal reasoning.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the comparison effectively with only minor repetition.
Reduce repeated modal and comparative phrasing so the progression feels even more economical.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports the economic and health analysis, with only occasional awkward combinations.
Use more exact collocations in phrases such as 'calorically higher than normal meals' and avoid unnecessary repetition of 'fattening.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled with strong control, though a few agreement, parallelism, and count-noun errors remain.
Proofread complex sentences for parallel verb forms and distinctions such as 'fewer calories' rather than 'less calories.'
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IELTS Writing Task 2
More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.