More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
The increasing prevalence of obesity worldwide has led some people to propose that the price of high-fat foods should be increased to address the issue. While I agree that raising the cost of unhealthy food items might have some positive impacts on curbing obesity rates, I believe that more comprehensive solutions are necessary.
Raising the price of fattening foods could be an effective deterrent for some individuals due to the basic economic principle of supply and demand. By making unhealthy foods more expensive, the government can encourage people to seek healthier and more cost-effective alternatives, thus promoting better eating habits. This approach has already been implemented in some countries, such as Mexico and Hungary, through taxes on sugary drinks and junk food, with some partial success. However, I am unconvinced that this strategy alone can significantly reduce obesity rates, as it does not address the root causes of poor dietary choices and sedentary lifestyles.
To me, a more holistic approach to combating the rising number of overweight individuals would involve implementing educational programs and promoting physical activity. Education plays a crucial role in informing the public about proper nutrition and the dangers of excessive weight gain, empowering people to make better choices. This can be achieved by incorporating nutrition education into school curriculums, offering community workshops, and using public health campaigns to raise awareness. In addition, creating safe and accessible spaces for physical activity, such as parks and recreational facilities, can inspire people to adopt more active lifestyles. Similarly, public policies that support the development of bike lanes, pedestrian-friendly streets, and subsidized sports programs can contribute to fostering a culture of health and fitness.
In conclusion, while increasing the price of fattening foods may be a useful tool in the fight against obesity, it is not a comprehensive solution to the problem. From my perspective, A multifaceted approach, including education and promotion of physical activity, should be prioritized to effectively address this alarming health crisis.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Improve the collocation Original: positive impacts on curbing obesity rates Suggested revision: positive effects on reducing obesity rates Why it matters: Effects on reducing is a more natural collocation than impacts on curbing.
- 2. Correct the preposition Original: for Suggested revision: to Why it matters: Deterrent normally takes the preposition to before the affected group.
- 3. Use formal stance wording Original: To me, a more holistic approach Suggested revision: In my view, a more holistic approach Why it matters: In my view is a more natural formal stance marker in an academic essay.
- 4. Use precise phrasing Original: combating the rising number of overweight individuals Suggested revision: addressing the rising prevalence of obesity Why it matters: Prevalence describes the growing scale of a health condition more precisely than number of individuals.
- 5. Make wording concise Original: would involve implementing Suggested revision: would include Why it matters: Include conveys the same meaning without unnecessary nominal wording.
- 6. Use formal plural Original: curriculums Suggested revision: curricula Why it matters: Curricula is the conventional formal plural of curriculum.
- 7. Choose precise verb Original: inspire Suggested revision: encourage Why it matters: Encourage more directly describes how accessible facilities influence behaviour.
- 8. Reduce wordiness Original: contribute to fostering Suggested revision: help foster Why it matters: Help foster expresses the same relationship more directly.
- 9. Correct capitalization Original: A Suggested revision: a Why it matters: The common noun following the comma should not begin with a capital letter.
- 10. Improve parallel structure Original: education and promotion of physical activity Suggested revision: education and the promotion of physical activity Why it matters: Repeating the article makes the two coordinated elements grammatically parallel.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: This approach has already been implemented in some countries, such as Mexico and Hungary, through taxes on sugary drinks and junk food, with some partial success. Suggested revision: Some countries, such as Mexico and Hungary, have already implemented this approach by taxing sugary drinks and junk food, with partial success. Why it matters: The rewrite makes the countries the clear subject and removes the redundant phrase some partial success.
Suggested Rewrites
- positive impacts on curbing obesity rates positive effects on reducing obesity rates
- for to
- To me, a more holistic approach In my view, a more holistic approach
- combating the rising number of overweight individuals addressing the rising prevalence of obesity
- would involve implementing would include
- curriculums curricula
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is well focused, clearly organised, and develops a persuasive qualified position with specific policy examples and a coherent alternative strategy. Its main limitation is that a few claims could be evaluated more critically and some wording is slightly formulaic, although language control remains strong. The priority is to sharpen the comparison between pricing measures and the proposed broader interventions, showing more precisely why the combined approach would be more effective.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses the proposition through a clear qualified position, relevant examples, and well-developed alternative solutions.
Deepen the evaluation by explaining more precisely when price increases would work and where their effects would remain limited.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically across well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly with minimal strain.
Make the contrast between the pricing measure and the broader strategy even more explicit at the transition between body paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced discussion, with only occasional slightly formulaic or general phrasing.
Refine broad expressions such as 'culture of health and fitness' into more concrete analytical language where possible.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only a rare capitalization lapse.
Proofread final sentences for minor mechanical slips, particularly the unnecessary capital letter after a comma.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.