Some people say that people should have a different amount of holidays according to their job. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
The development of industrialisation and the amazing improvement of working efficiency render people more chances to enjoy holidays in the current society. Suppose you are making a trip to a place totally strange to you, the first thing you do is to find yourself accommodation and lodging. But you will feel disappointed the moment you arrive at the situation that all the hotels, restaurants, stores and even banks are closed because of an important holiday, such as Christmas day or Thanksgiving. At this moment, you are in the same boat as Robinson Crusoe, who was abandoned on a lonely island without any help or hope.
To erase the embarrassment, some corporations and governments work out some flexible and feasible holiday policies, providing people with convenience. Shifting is often adopted by factories and manufacturers because it guarantees timely fulfilment of production targets and orders on the one hand and gives employees sufficient time for relaxation on the other. If needed, employees have to work overtime, with a bonus as a compensation for the holiday they missed. For banks and other public services, things are quite different. Holidays are prime time for supermarkets, department stores, restaurants and retailers. Some people like holding parties or having feasts with their friends at the weekend and other people prefer to go shopping in department stores, which will take great profits to merchandisers. With large amounts of cash flow, banks must keep open from Monday to Sunday. Teachers enjoy very long holidays during an academic year because they can prepare their lectures and lessons for the new semester and relax during the holidays. Long holidays are not only beneficial to teachers health but also to the students. Considering the different characteristics of people's job, I think that different people should have different amounts of holidays. At the first sight, this idea sounds unfair. But on second thoughts, it is reasonable and understandable.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: The development of industrialisation and the amazing improvement of working efficiency Suggested revision: Industrialisation and remarkable improvements in productivity Why it matters: This wording expresses the idea more naturally and concisely.
- 2. Correct the collocation Original: render people more chances Suggested revision: give people more opportunities Why it matters: The verb and noun combination is not idiomatic in this context.
- 3. Use a direct phrase Original: the moment you arrive at the situation that Suggested revision: when you discover that Why it matters: The original phrase uses an unnatural collocation for encountering a problem.
- 4. Capitalise the holiday Original: day Suggested revision: Day Why it matters: Both words in the holiday name require capital letters.
- 5. Choose a precise comparison Original: in the same boat as Robinson Crusoe Suggested revision: as isolated as Robinson Crusoe Why it matters: The revised comparison conveys the intended sense of isolation more precisely.
- 6. Correct the collocation Original: erase the embarrassment Suggested revision: avoid this inconvenience Why it matters: An inconvenient service closure is not naturally described as embarrassment that can be erased.
- 7. Use concise wording Original: providing people with convenience Suggested revision: for people's convenience Why it matters: The replacement is a more natural and economical expression.
- 8. Name the work pattern Original: Shifting Suggested revision: Shift work Why it matters: Shift work is the standard term for employees working different scheduled periods.
- 9. Use parallel collocations Original: fulfilment of production targets and orders Suggested revision: fulfilment of production targets and completion of orders Why it matters: Targets are fulfilled, whereas orders are more naturally completed.
- 10. Remove the article Original: with a bonus as a compensation Suggested revision: with a bonus as compensation Why it matters: Compensation is uncountable in this construction and does not take the article.
- 11. Compare matching entities Original: banks and other public services Suggested revision: banks and other service providers Why it matters: Banks are institutions rather than services, so the original comparison is mismatched.
- 12. Correct the profit phrase Original: which will take great profits to merchandisers Suggested revision: which generates substantial profits for retailers Why it matters: Businesses generate profits; they do not take profits to merchandisers.
Suggested Rewrites
- The development of industrialisation and the amazing improvement of working efficiency Industrialisation and remarkable improvements in productivity
- render people more chances give people more opportunities
- the moment you arrive at the situation that when you discover that
- day Day
- in the same boat as Robinson Crusoe as isolated as Robinson Crusoe
- erase the embarrassment avoid this inconvenience
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response offers a relevant range of occupational examples and ultimately states a clear view that holiday entitlement should vary by job. However, the lengthy travel scenario and loosely connected discussion of opening hours weaken the directness and depth of the argument. Prioritise an explicit position in the introduction, then organise two focused reasons explaining why particular job demands justify different holiday allowances.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear final position and several relevant occupational examples address the task, but the position is delayed and some discussion shifts from holiday amounts to service opening hours.
State the extent of agreement immediately and develop each body point around why a specific type of work warrants more or less leave.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress from public convenience to different employment sectors, although two oversized paragraphs and some abrupt topic shifts weaken the organisation.
Use a separate paragraph for each main reason and add transitions that make the relationship between examples explicit.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably broad vocabulary, but frequent awkward collocations such as granting chances, erasing embarrassment, and taking profits reduce precision.
Choose conventional collocations and simpler exact wording when discussing leave entitlement, staffing, and commercial demand.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the main meaning, but recurring article, possessive, agreement, and sentence-control errors limit accuracy.
Proofread complex sentences for complete clause boundaries and systematically check articles, plurals, possessives, and subject-verb agreement.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that people should have a different amount of holidays according to their job. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.