Humans are basically selfish. Write an essay about 300 words to state that whether you agree or disagree. Provide examples and illustrations to support your viewpoint.
Sample Response
Humans are advocated to be fundamentally self-absorbed. From my perspective, I voice disapproval of the aforementioned, in that I believe the view is rather one-sided as mankind’s natural inclination does not only revolve around egoism.
In the first place, it is human beings that are intrinsically defined by benevolence and altruism. In other words, people are born to innately express empathy and consideration towards each other, especially in crises, thus transcending their sheer selfishness. For example, though modern life has been distinctive for separateness and individuality, the complete opposite is witnessed amid the pandemic situation. People of all ages and social backgrounds endeavour to partake in the fight against Covid-19, even if it means a great deal of self-sacrifice. This marks a praiseworthy feature of morality that has endured for thousands of years since our ancestors’ time.
What is more, selfishness is not so much inherent as it is conditioned by extrinsic factors. That is, in the cut-throat world of power and possessions’ taking priorities over others, external pressures concerning the so-called social status and self-sufficiency drive people to become more self-centred, at times resulting in their neglect of others. For instance, in such cases, due to either harsh economic situations or market saturation, intense competition rather than collaboration is facilitated among enterprises nowadays. Hence, businesses are unwilling to salvage each other without any ulterior motives should one suffer financially. This substantiates the claim that selfishness is often brought about by certain circumstances with which human beings’ instinct has nothing to do.
All things considered, it would be irrational if human beings are dismissed as being basically selfish. Therefore, I am unsupportive of the statement, believing that altruism and benevolence are here to stay, as have done in the past thousand years of evolution.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the collocation Original: are advocated to be Suggested revision: are often said to be Why it matters: People can be “said” or “claimed” to have a trait, whereas “advocated” is incorrect here.
- 2. Use direct wording Original: voice disapproval of the aforementioned Suggested revision: disagree with this claim Why it matters: The revision is clearer and avoids an unnecessarily formal vague reference.
- 3. Place limiter correctly Original: does not only revolve around Suggested revision: does not revolve solely around Why it matters: The limiting adverb should modify the idea of revolving around egoism.
- 4. Avoid redundancy Original: born to innately express Suggested revision: born with an innate capacity to express Why it matters: This removes the overlap between “born,” “innately” and the infinitive construction.
- 5. Correct the collocation Original: distinctive for separateness and individuality Suggested revision: characterised by separation and individuality Why it matters: “Characterised by” is the natural collocation for describing these features of modern life.
- 6. Use natural phrasing Original: amid the pandemic situation Suggested revision: during the pandemic Why it matters: This expresses the time reference more naturally and concisely.
- 7. Use precise collocation Original: marks a praiseworthy feature of morality Suggested revision: demonstrates an admirable moral quality Why it matters: The revision uses a natural verb-noun combination for evidence of moral behaviour.
- 8. Fix possessive structure Original: power and possessions’ taking priorities over others Suggested revision: power and possessions taking priority over other concerns Why it matters: The apostrophe is incorrect and “take priority” is the standard singular expression.
- 9. Use natural collocation Original: is facilitated among enterprises Suggested revision: is fostered among businesses Why it matters: “Foster competition” is more idiomatic than the passive use of “facilitate” here.
- 10. Choose the right verb Original: salvage each other Suggested revision: support one another Why it matters: “Salvage” normally refers to rescuing property or material, not providing financial help to businesses.
- 11. Add the subject Original: as have done in the past thousand years Suggested revision: as they have done over the past thousand years Why it matters: The comparative clause needs the subject “they,” and “over” is the natural time preposition.
- 12. Use clear connector Original: in that Suggested revision: because Why it matters: “Because” states the reason more directly and naturally in this sentence.
Suggested Rewrites
- are advocated to be are often said to be
- voice disapproval of the aforementioned disagree with this claim
- does not only revolve around does not revolve solely around
- born to innately express born with an innate capacity to express
- distinctive for separateness and individuality characterised by separation and individuality
- amid the pandemic situation during the pandemic
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response takes an unequivocal position and supports it through two logically distinct arguments, with the pandemic example providing especially effective illustration. Its main limitation is that ambitious, highly formal wording repeatedly produces unnatural collocations and a few strained grammatical constructions. The highest-priority improvement is to express the same reasoning in more idiomatic language, particularly when describing social pressures and the behaviour of businesses.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout, and both the altruism and external-conditioning arguments are relevant, extended, and supported.
Make the business example more explicitly representative of human behaviour so its connection to the central claim is fully convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically sequenced, clearly paragraphled, and cohesively guides the reader from claim to illustration and inference.
Reduce formulaic transitions such as In the first place, What is more, and That is where the logical connection is already evident.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide and ambitious, but several conspicuous collocations are unnatural despite the generally precise meaning.
Prefer idiomatic wording for phrases such as humans are advocated, possessions taking priorities, and businesses salvaging each other.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A varied range of complex sentences is generally controlled, though several awkward constructions and agreement errors remain noticeable.
Edit strained structures such as as have done and possessions taking priorities, while retaining the effective range of complex forms.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Humans are basically selfish. Write an essay about 300 words to state that whether you agree or disagree. Provide examples and illustrations to support your viewpoint.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.