Many people believe that today there is a general increase in anti-social behavior and lack of respect for others. What might have caused this situation? How to improve it?
Sample Response
It is unfortunate that in the midst of vast progress in every field of life there is also a growth in the anti-social behaviour and people have become less respectful of each other. This essay intends to analyze some causes of this phenomenon and suggest some ways to ameliorate the situation.
Today, we live in an era of technology in which the whole Earth has shrunk and become a global village. Everybody is connected to everybody through telephone lines and the Internet, but the warmth of relationships has taken a back seat. Most people have more than enough wealth, comfort and freedom, but their hearts desire even more. To satisfy their hearts greed people have become workaholics, and as a result have no time for family and friends. People have become selfish, isolated and indifferent. Each person is busy in his own quest for more. To add to it, the youngsters who are at ease with the new technology think that the elderly are good for nothing and that is why they don’t respect them.
The changing family structure is another big cause of this phenomenon. Earlier, people lived in joint families and the grandparents were there to supervise the children. Now there are nuclear families in which both parents go out to work, and children are left unattended in the hands of pervasive media like the TV and the Internet. No one monitors what they watch and they see the programs full of violence and crime, which makes them anti social. The pressure of consumerist society and peers also breeds anti social behaviour. To add to it, the values of traditional culture are being lost and people are following the global culture, which is also considered anti social by the orthodox elderly.
There are many solutions to this problem. To begin with, people have to learn to strike a balance between work and family life. Government should also fix the maximum hours a worker can work per week so that exploitation is not there in the job market. People should revert back to the old joint family system. This would be in the benefit of all. The children would learn moral values and the elderly would be well looked after. Negative effects of excessive consumerism should be taught to the people. Media can play a big role in highlighting the good points of the traditional and the western culture so that the people can adopt good social values. Neighbourhood associations should be set up to connect people to each other.
Summing up, anti social behaviour and mutual lack of respect in today’s times can be dealt with by taking simple measures, and individuals and governments should collectively take these steps.
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IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: vast Suggested revision: substantial Why it matters: “Substantial progress” is a more natural academic collocation.
- 2. Add clause boundary Original: every field of life there is Suggested revision: every field of life, there is Why it matters: A comma is needed after the introductory prepositional phrase.
- 3. Remove unnecessary article Original: the anti-social behaviour Suggested revision: antisocial behaviour Why it matters: The abstract noun “behaviour” is uncountable here and does not take “the.”
- 4. Mark possession Original: hearts greed Suggested revision: hearts’ greed Why it matters: The plural possessive noun needs an apostrophe after “hearts.”
- 5. Set off connector Original: as a result have Suggested revision: as a result, have Why it matters: The sentence connector should be followed by a comma.
- 6. Use inclusive pronoun Original: his Suggested revision: their Why it matters: Singular “they” avoids an unnecessary gender-specific reference.
- 7. Use concise transition Original: To add to it, the youngsters Suggested revision: In addition, the youngsters Why it matters: “In addition” is a clearer and more natural linking phrase.
- 8. Use formal wording Original: good for nothing Suggested revision: incapable of contributing Why it matters: The replacement expresses the same dismissive view in a more academic register.
- 9. Use formal adjective Original: big Suggested revision: major Why it matters: “Major” is more appropriate than “big” in formal writing.
- 10. Correct media phrasing Original: pervasive media like the TV Suggested revision: pervasive media such as television Why it matters: The revised phrase uses the category noun “television” and a formal example marker.
- 11. Use precise phrasing Original: makes them anti social Suggested revision: encourages antisocial behaviour Why it matters: The revision states the behavioural effect with a clearer verb and noun phrase.
- 12. Use concise transition Original: To add to it, the values Suggested revision: In addition, the values Why it matters: “In addition” links this point more naturally to the preceding cause.
Suggested Rewrites
- vast substantial
- every field of life there is every field of life, there is
- the anti-social behaviour antisocial behaviour
- hearts greed hearts’ greed
- as a result have as a result, have
- his their
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response addresses both parts of the task with a broad range of relevant causes and practical remedies, and its clear paragraph structure makes the argument easy to follow. Its main limitation is that several claims are sweeping or only briefly supported, while some repetition and awkward phrasing reduce precision. The priority is to develop fewer central ideas with specific, credible explanation and examples while editing out promotional or off-task material.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both causes and solutions are clearly addressed through numerous relevant ideas, though some points rely on broad assertions rather than sufficiently specific support.
Select fewer causes and remedies and develop each with a concrete explanation or example, while removing the unrelated final promotional line.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically from causes to solutions and uses clear paragraphing, although several linking phrases are repetitive or mechanical.
Use referencing and logical sequencing within paragraphs more naturally instead of repeatedly relying on phrases such as 'To add to it.'
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic-specific vocabulary conveys nuanced ideas, but several collocations and word forms are awkward or imprecise.
Improve collocational accuracy in phrases such as 'their hearts greed,' 'in the benefit of all,' and 'revert back.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A varied range of complex sentences is generally controlled, with occasional errors in possessives, articles, agreement, and punctuation that do not impede meaning.
Proofread complex sentences for possessive forms, article choice, and clause punctuation to improve consistency and accuracy.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people believe that today there is a general increase in anti-social behavior and lack of respect for others. What might have caused this situation? How to improve it?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.