Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
A highly controversial topic today relates to whether people’s gladness is under the control of their responsibility or impacted by other elements. In this essay, I am going to examine this question from both points of view and then explain why I believe the arguments for an individual charge are stronger.
There are philosophists who are of the opinion that the individual role is the main factor influencing their own happiness. The major reason for believing this is that gladness is a kind of emotion when the brain is sacrificed by a certain matter and this person is the one who decides his or her level of demand in their mind. It is also possible to say that human is the centre which controls their desire. A particularly good example here is meditation and yoga are fantastic manners to balance the human mind so more and more people around the world tend to learn these methods to achieve happiness.
On the other hand, other experts are convinced that external factors such as family, love or career play a crucial role in individual pleasure. It is often argued that no one can reach true joy alone but they have to share it with their close-knit ones. A second point is that life is a series of interactions so people can not live without communication with others. One good illustration of this is soft skill classes are found to help learners reflect on external elements to acquire their balance in society.
In conclusion, I believe both arguments have their merits. On balance, however, I feel that happiness is impacted by both external and internal. This is why humans always have to find a way to control themself in order to react correctly to their surrounding environment.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the standard term Original: gladness Suggested revision: happiness Why it matters: Happiness is the natural term for the central concept in this context.
- 2. Clarify personal control Original: under the control of their responsibility Suggested revision: within their own control Why it matters: The original phrase combines control and responsibility in an unnatural way.
- 3. Name the contrast precisely Original: other elements Suggested revision: external factors Why it matters: External factors matches the essay's stated contrast more precisely.
- 4. Use the intended term Original: arguments for an individual charge Suggested revision: arguments for individual responsibility Why it matters: Individual responsibility conveys the intended idea, whereas individual charge does not.
- 5. Correct the word form Original: philosophists Suggested revision: philosophers Why it matters: Philosophers is the correct noun for people who engage in philosophical thought.
- 6. Clarify the key concept Original: the individual role Suggested revision: individual responsibility Why it matters: Individual responsibility accurately names the factor described in this view.
- 7. Make the list parallel Original: family, love or career Suggested revision: family, love, or a career Why it matters: Adding the article makes the final singular count noun grammatical and parallel within the list.
- 8. Keep terminology consistent Original: pleasure Suggested revision: happiness Why it matters: Happiness is more precise and consistent with the topic than pleasure.
- 9. Use a natural noun Original: their close-knit ones Suggested revision: their loved ones Why it matters: Loved ones is the natural expression for close family members and friends.
- 10. Separate the clauses Original: interactions so Suggested revision: interactions, so Why it matters: A comma is needed before so when it joins these two independent clauses.
- 11. Clarify the intended action Original: reflect on external elements Suggested revision: consider external influences Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended attention to outside influences more clearly.
- 12. Use a natural collocation Original: acquire their balance in society Suggested revision: find balance in society Why it matters: Find balance is the natural collocation for achieving personal stability.
Suggested Rewrites
- gladness happiness
- under the control of their responsibility within their own control
- other elements external factors
- arguments for an individual charge arguments for individual responsibility
- philosophists philosophers
- the individual role individual responsibility
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response discusses both internal and external influences and follows a recognizable essay structure, so its broad argument remains understandable. Its main limitation is that key explanations and examples are vague or logically unclear, while the stated position shifts between the introduction and conclusion. The highest-priority improvement is to establish one consistent opinion and support each view with a concrete, clearly explained example.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are mentioned, but development is uneven, examples are weakly connected, and the final position does not match the introduction clearly.
State one consistent opinion and explain precisely how personal choices and external circumstances each affect happiness.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and overall sequencing are clear, although progression within body paragraphs is sometimes weakened by unclear logical links.
Use each paragraph's topic sentence to guide a direct chain from claim to explanation to relevant example.
Lexical Resource
There is some range, but frequent inaccurate word choices and collocations make several ideas unnatural or difficult to interpret.
Prioritize accurate common expressions such as 'personal responsibility,' 'well-being,' and 'close relationships' over forced synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but frequent agreement, article, clause, and pronoun errors reduce control and clarity.
Build complex sentences around one complete main clause and check subject-verb agreement and pronoun reference systematically.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but people believe there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.