In many societies, there is a growing emphasis on individualism, with people prioritizing their personal goals and desires over collective interests. Why is this so? Is this a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Individualism seems to be on the rise in many parts of the world, where individuals give high priority to their personal objectives and aspirations over the common good. This essay will discuss why capitalism is the primary cause of this growing phenomenon, and then explain that it is a negative development because it brings about income inequality and social stratification.
Capitalism lays great emphasis on private property rights, freedom and the pursuit of self-interest. It acknowledges individuals as independent actors who can make choices and pursue their goals on their own. This stress on individualism encourages individuals to take part in cutthroat competition so as to climb up the social ladder. A case in point is the United States of America. The capitalist country promotes an individualistic society where people compete with each other to ascend the social ladder. Capitalism thus fosters individualism through fierce competition.
The increasing importance of individualism contributes to inequality and social stratification. That is to say, the urge to acquire personal achievement in an individualist society can aggravate income disparity and social division. When people focus exclusively on their own success, those who are underprivileged may be left behind. This, in turn, leads to the accumulation of wealth and power in the hands of a few elites. Take the USA for an example, which promotes individualistic values. The country experiences enormous income disparity, with a small group of elites possessing a large portion of the wealth.
To conclude, capitalism is the root cause of this growing emphasis on individualistic values as it encourages individuals to compete with one another in order to realise personal ambition and aspiration, and I think this is a negative development because it enhances disparity and social stratification.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a concise verb Original: give high priority to their personal objectives and aspirations Suggested revision: prioritise their personal objectives and aspirations Why it matters: The single verb expresses the same idea more directly.
- 2. Correct the collocation Original: lays Suggested revision: places Why it matters: English conventionally uses 'place emphasis on' in this context.
- 3. Sharpen the collocation Original: take part in cutthroat competition Suggested revision: engage in cutthroat competition Why it matters: 'Engage in competition' is the more natural academic collocation.
- 4. Clarify the reference Original: The Suggested revision: This Why it matters: The demonstrative clearly links the description to the United States in the previous sentence.
- 5. Correct the collocation Original: acquire personal achievement Suggested revision: achieve personal success Why it matters: People achieve success rather than acquire achievement.
- 6. Use a precise noun Original: a few elites Suggested revision: a small elite Why it matters: 'A small elite' is a more natural expression for a narrow powerful group.
- 7. Fix the example phrase Original: for Suggested revision: as Why it matters: The fixed expression is 'take something as an example'.
- 8. Choose a natural modifier Original: enormous Suggested revision: severe Why it matters: 'Severe' collocates more naturally with income disparity.
- 9. Use consistent plurals Original: personal ambition and aspiration Suggested revision: personal ambitions and aspirations Why it matters: Plural forms fit the reference to the varied goals pursued by individuals.
- 10. Use a precise verb Original: enhances disparity and social stratification Suggested revision: widens inequality and social divisions Why it matters: Disparity is widened rather than enhanced, and the revision states the effect naturally.
- 11. Reduce repeated progression Suggested revision: Combine the two references to climbing the social ladder, then use the final sentence to summarise how competition promotes individualism. Why it matters: Repeating the same social-ladder point interrupts progression within the paragraph.
Suggested Rewrites
- give high priority to their personal objectives and aspirations prioritise their personal objectives and aspirations
- lays places
- take part in cutthroat competition engage in cutthroat competition
- The This
- acquire personal achievement achieve personal success
- a few elites a small elite
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its clear position, disciplined organisation, and confident use of sophisticated language to connect capitalism with individualism and social inequality. Its main limitation is that both arguments rely heavily on the same United States example and assert broad causal links without much qualification. The highest-priority improvement is to deepen the explanation with a distinct mechanism or contrasting society that tests the claimed relationship.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are answered directly with a clear negative position and relevant, logically developed reasons.
Qualify the broad capitalism-individualism link and support each part with distinct evidence rather than repeating the same national example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses clearly through a focused introduction, one cause, one consequence, and a concise conclusion.
Reduce lexical and conceptual repetition between the supporting sentences so that each paragraph advances the argument more sharply.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced discussion of capitalism, competition, inequality, and social hierarchy.
Refine occasional collocations such as acquiring achievement and taking the USA for an example to make expression consistently natural.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is used accurately, with only isolated awkward constructions that do not impede meaning.
Polish the few awkward relative and example-introducing structures while retaining the strong variety of sentence forms.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many societies, there is a growing emphasis on individualism, with people prioritizing their personal goals and desires over collective interests. Why is this so? Is this a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.