Some people believe that the government should not spend money on international aid when they have their own disadvantaged people like homeless and unemployed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Certain individuals are of the opinion that the governmental allocation of financial resources should be distributed to other impoverished countries while others suppose that it is of paramount importance to focus on curbing their domestic issues. From my perspective, I am in consummate agreement with the proposal of determining national priority on internal problems.
On the one hand, it is understandable that crossborder support is a symbol of humanity. Geographically, people are divided into different ethnicities but by nature, humanity is the core connected feature among individuals. Thus, it goes without saying that supporting other countries through the provision of financial or social assistance is a logical and praiseworthy action. Not to mention that helping other nations to deal with financial crises would eliminate the chances of illegal migration which is detrimental to surrounding developed regions.
However, I opine that concentrating on addressing domestic issues such as homelessness or unemployment should be an utmost urgency of any country. To begin with, financial fund from the government is regarded as a crucial means to reserve and maintain welfare schemes as well as social security. The smooth flow of how society works would create a favorable environment for job opportunities which accordingly increases the economic growth rate. Furthermore, employment chances, as a result, generate more personal budgets which people can use to afford decent shelters decreasing the homelessness rate.
In conclusion, although transnational support should be executed as a gesture of humanity, I still believe that any government should put the goal of tackling internal issues in a country to be the top priority.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural emphasis Original: consummate Suggested revision: complete Why it matters: 'Complete agreement' is the idiomatic collocation for expressing a firm view.
- 2. Fix the noun phrase Original: proposal of determining national priority on internal problems Suggested revision: proposal to prioritise domestic problems Why it matters: The infinitive construction expresses the proposed action clearly and grammatically.
- 3. Use precise wording Original: a symbol of humanity Suggested revision: an expression of humanity Why it matters: 'An expression of humanity' more naturally describes aid as a humane act.
- 4. Add the comma Original: ethnicities but Suggested revision: ethnicities, but Why it matters: A comma is needed before 'but' when it joins two independent clauses.
- 5. Clarify the idea Original: humanity is the core connected feature among individuals Suggested revision: a shared humanity connects individuals Why it matters: The revision states the intended connection in clear, idiomatic language.
- 6. Remove redundancy Original: concentrating on addressing Suggested revision: addressing Why it matters: Both verbs express focus, so one is sufficient.
- 7. Fix the collocation Original: an utmost urgency of any country Suggested revision: a top priority for any country Why it matters: 'Top priority for' is the natural expression for an especially urgent concern.
- 8. Avoid redundant wording Original: financial fund from the government Suggested revision: government funding Why it matters: A fund is already financial, so the shorter phrase is clearer and more natural.
- 9. Use parallel gerunds Original: a crucial means to reserve and maintain Suggested revision: a crucial means of funding and maintaining Why it matters: 'Means of' takes gerunds, and 'funding' accurately describes financial support for the schemes.
- 10. Use a clear subject Original: The smooth flow of how society works Suggested revision: A well-functioning society Why it matters: The original phrase is indirect and unidiomatic, while the revision names the subject clearly.
- 11. Improve the collocation Original: a favorable environment for job opportunities Suggested revision: favourable conditions for job creation Why it matters: 'Conditions for job creation' expresses the economic relationship more naturally.
- 12. Match subject and verb Original: increases Suggested revision: increase Why it matters: The relative pronoun refers to the plural noun phrase 'job opportunities.'
Suggested Rewrites
- consummate complete
- proposal of determining national priority on internal problems proposal to prioritise domestic problems
- a symbol of humanity an expression of humanity
- ethnicities but ethnicities, but
- humanity is the core connected feature among individuals a shared humanity connects individuals
- concentrating on addressing addressing
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay presents a consistent position and follows a clear progression from the humanitarian case for aid to the reasons for prioritising domestic welfare. The main limitation is that its supporting logic is sometimes asserted or expressed through imprecise collocations, particularly around migration, welfare funding, and employment. Develop the domestic-priority argument with a more concrete causal example while choosing simpler, more natural wording.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The question is addressed with a clear, consistent position and relevant reasons on both international aid and domestic priorities.
Extend the central case with a specific example showing why limited public funds would achieve greater impact when spent on disadvantaged citizens.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure is logical and progression is clear, though some linking is formulaic and one supporting sentence is fragmentary.
Use complete sentences and rely more on the logical connection between ideas than on stock transitions such as 'Not to mention'.
Lexical Resource
There is a good range of topic vocabulary, but frequent awkward collocations and over-elaborate choices reduce precision and naturalness.
Prefer accurate combinations such as 'government funding', 'maintain welfare programmes', and 'create employment opportunities' over forced synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures, but errors in articles, sentence attachment, agreement, and clause construction recur.
Check each complex sentence for a complete main clause and clear modifier reference, especially when adding relative or participial clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that the government should not spend money on international aid when they have their own disadvantaged people like homeless and unemployed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.