During the 20th century, contact between different parts of the world has developed rapidly and thanks to air travel and telecommunication for this. To what extent do you agree that societies benefit from the increased contact and closer relationships with foreigners brought by international tourism and business?
Sample Response
It is sometimes argued that increased contact and closer interrelationships between countries bring several benefits to a society and thank goes to air travel and telecommunication for this. Personally, I believe that there are also some negative effects of the above trend, as will now be explained.
There are some downsides to increased commerce and increased relationships between nations in the world. The most significant of these disadvantages is that it can weaken national culture and traditions. The main reason is that people can easily adopt the aspects of strangers and more interesting lifestyles from foreign countries and usually neglect the traditional values. For example, a stand of Vietnamese folk songs might be gradually faded away because young Vietnamese people tend to opt for more attractive Korean music. The second disadvantage is that in the face of imported goods and services, local producers, especially in a less developed country, fail to compete with foreign ones in their own domestic market, which leads to a number of bankruptcies, then holds back society from development.
There are some major points to make in favour of increased business and closer relationships worldwide. Firstly, it can drive the world's economy forward. Granted, big corporations such as Microsoft and Apple can easily expand their branches in any corners of the world, thanks to increased business interaction, which can also create more employment opportunities, especially in a third-world country. Secondly, revenues from tourist activities can contribute to the economic growth. Undoubtedly, tourism jobs such as photographers and tour guides can help increase income for the locals. Finally, the more we share habits, products and services, the better we understand each other, and this reduces prejudice against other nations.
In conclusion, I believe that the closer contact and increased commerce worldwide bring about both cons and pros and cheap air flights and mobile communication have accelerated that.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Avoid redundant wording Original: interrelationships Suggested revision: relationships Why it matters: Relationships already conveys the idea of mutual connection, so interrelationships is unnecessarily heavy.
- 2. Use general reference Original: benefits to a society Suggested revision: benefits to society Why it matters: Society is used without an article when referring to society in general.
- 3. Correct fixed expression Original: thank goes to Suggested revision: thanks go to Why it matters: The fixed expression uses the plural noun thanks with the plural verb go.
- 4. Use standard plural form Original: telecommunication Suggested revision: telecommunications Why it matters: Telecommunications is the standard term for communication technologies as a field.
- 5. Avoid repetition Original: increased Suggested revision: closer Why it matters: Using closer removes the repeated adjective and expresses the intended development more precisely.
- 6. Clarify the pronoun Original: it can weaken national culture Suggested revision: these trends can weaken national culture Why it matters: The plural phrase these trends clearly refers to commerce and international relationships.
- 7. Use precise collocation Original: the aspects of strangers Suggested revision: aspects of foreign cultures Why it matters: People adopt cultural features rather than aspects of strangers.
- 8. Refine the comparison Original: more interesting lifestyles from foreign countries Suggested revision: appealing lifestyles from other countries Why it matters: Appealing expresses attraction without an unsupported comparative form.
- 9. Remove unnecessary article Original: the traditional values Suggested revision: traditional values Why it matters: The sentence refers to traditional values generally rather than to a previously specified set.
- 10. Correct the noun choice Original: a stand of Vietnamese folk songs Suggested revision: the tradition of Vietnamese folk songs Why it matters: Tradition conveys a cultural practice, whereas stand does not fit this meaning.
- 11. Use active verb form Original: might be gradually faded away Suggested revision: might gradually fade away Why it matters: Fade away is intransitive here and should not be formed as a passive.
- 12. Match the general plural Original: in a less developed country Suggested revision: in less developed countries Why it matters: The plural form matches the general reference to producers across countries.
Suggested Rewrites
- interrelationships relationships
- benefits to a society benefits to society
- thank goes to thanks go to
- telecommunication telecommunications
- increased closer
- it can weaken national culture these trends can weaken national culture
Why this response received Band 6.5
This response offers a clear paragraph structure and develops several relevant economic, cultural, and social effects with useful examples. Its main limitation is that the stated position never clearly answers how far societies benefit, and recurring awkward word choices and grammatical slips reduce precision. Prioritise an explicit overall judgement on the extent of benefit, then edit collocations and sentence forms for more natural, controlled expression.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Relevant advantages and disadvantages are developed with examples, but the response does not clearly state the extent to which societies benefit.
Give an explicit comparative judgement in the introduction and conclusion that directly answers how far the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically organised into clear thematic paragraphs, and ideas generally progress coherently within each section.
Use transitions to show the relationship between the two sides and the final judgement rather than mainly enumerating points.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary range is sufficient for the topic, but recurring unnatural collocations and word choices reduce precision.
Replace phrases such as aspects of strangers, any corners, and cheap air flights with accurate, idiomatic wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the argument clearly, although errors in articles, agreement, form, and phrasing recur.
Proofread complex sentences for article use, singular-plural agreement, and active versus passive verb forms.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
During the 20th century, contact between different parts of the world has developed rapidly and thanks to air travel and telecommunication for this. To what extent do you agree that societies benefit from the increased contact and closer relationships with foreigners brought by international tourism and business?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.