A group of people say that Internet access for minors can be dangerous. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
There are arguments to suggest that online activities have detrimental effects for youngsters. Although some people are not convinced on this perspective, it can be argued that World Wide Web has a considerable number of repercussions that affect lives of children. Primarily, it is widely believed that there are lots of unsuitable materials that may appear on the computer screen. It might be the case that children would access pornographic websites, which can depict depraved insights in their behaviour. This behaviour can be shown to those teenagers who are highly exposed to pornographic film, thus their perceptions towards women become eccentric. To illustrate, a higher incidence of rape intent has attributed to some teenagers, and studies have shown that perverted films have a blatant relevance on the way they act in the society. In addition, it can never be denied that the innovation of the internet such as improvement in the communication system has made some youngsters to become preoccupied in a virtual socialisation. There is a school of thought that believes that teenagers, nowadays, do not partake in a face to face interaction because of the convenience that social media such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can provide. In some occasions, teenagers might think that social media has very useful applications, which make conversations more interesting. For example, there is some social media that can delineate emoticons and video messages that appear to more entertaining to the young group. Furthermore, the sedentary nature of internet appears to have a great influence on their health. Not only does it restrict to an actual conversation, it also encourages some children to avoid engaging in recreational activities like exercise or sports. Admittedly, there are reasons to suggest that the internet has provided websites that display interactive lessons and updated information, which can make learning more boisterous. However, the consensus is that children cannot learn this without teachers, who can provide a detailed discussion and reliable response, to supervise them. To conclude, I would argue that online websites pose numerous disadvantages in their lives. It would be better if there is a parental guidance among children who are yet incognizant about the usage of internet.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix preposition Original: for Suggested revision: on Why it matters: The noun “effects” takes “on” when identifying who is affected.
- 2. Fix collocation Original: on Suggested revision: by Why it matters: “Convinced by” is the appropriate collocation for a perspective that persuades someone.
- 3. Add article Original: that World Wide Web Suggested revision: that the World Wide Web Why it matters: The established name “World Wide Web” requires the definite article.
- 4. Use possessive form Original: affect lives of children Suggested revision: affect children’s lives Why it matters: The possessive construction is the natural way to express whose lives are affected.
- 5. Use natural noun phrase Original: the innovation of the internet Suggested revision: internet innovations Why it matters: The plural phrase accurately introduces the subsequent example of an improvement.
- 6. Add article Original: such as improvement Suggested revision: such as an improvement Why it matters: The singular countable noun “improvement” requires an article.
- 7. Fix causative structure Original: has made some youngsters to become Suggested revision: have caused some youngsters to become Why it matters: The plural subject requires “have,” and “cause” correctly takes an infinitive complement.
- 8. Fix preposition Original: in Suggested revision: with Why it matters: The adjective “preoccupied” takes the preposition “with.”
- 9. Remove unnecessary commas Original: teenagers, nowadays, Suggested revision: teenagers nowadays Why it matters: The adverb is integrated into the clause and does not need to be enclosed by commas.
- 10. Fix preposition Original: In Suggested revision: On Why it matters: The standard time expression uses the preposition “on.”
- 11. Name countable platforms Original: there is some social media Suggested revision: there are some social media platforms Why it matters: A plural countable noun and verb are needed for the applications being described.
- 12. Use correct verb Original: delineate Suggested revision: display Why it matters: “Display” correctly describes showing emoticons, whereas “delineate” means describing or outlining.
Suggested Rewrites
- for on
- on by
- that World Wide Web that the World Wide Web
- affect lives of children affect children’s lives
- the innovation of the internet internet innovations
- such as improvement such as an improvement
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear position and offers several relevant dangers, including unsuitable content, reduced face-to-face interaction, and physical inactivity. However, the entire essay is presented as one paragraph, and frequent unnatural word choices and grammatical errors sometimes obscure the intended logic. The highest-priority improvement is to organise the ideas into distinct paragraphs and express each claim in simpler, more precise language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers the question with a consistent position and several relevant reasons, but some support is unclear or insufficiently convincing.
Explain each danger through a precise cause-and-effect chain and use plausible evidence rather than loosely asserted examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has a recognisable sequence and frequent signposting, but the absence of paragraph breaks and some mechanical linking weaken progression.
Create separate paragraphs for harmful content, social and health effects, the counterargument, and the conclusion.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a wide vocabulary, but frequent inappropriate collocations and word choices sometimes strain or obscure meaning.
Prefer accurate familiar wording and replace expressions such as depraved insights, blatant relevance, and learning more boisterous.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but recurring errors in articles, prepositions, agreement, and clause construction reduce control.
Use shorter clause patterns and check each sentence for articles, verb forms, and correctly attached relative clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
A group of people say that Internet access for minors can be dangerous. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.