Many people argue that eating junk food has led to an unhealthy lifestyle. This problem has become more common among young people these days. Do you agree or disagree that junk food is the cause of the issue?
Sample Response
Some argue that eating junk food contributes to an unhealthy lifestyle and that it is becoming increasingly common to see young people suffer from this proclivity. To my mind, it is not the sole cause of this issue though it is partly to blame for it. Admittedly, junk food consumption can prove detrimental to the well-being of young people for several reasons. The main harm comes from their poor nutritional content. From a scientific standpoint, junk food such as fast food and packaged ready meals tend to be rich in unhealthy fats and carbohydrates, which are shown to result in inflammation. Inflammation, in turn, is one of the underlying causes of obesity and diabetes. As such, young people who eat food items with low nutritional value, junk food by extension, are bound to suffer from less than healthy lifestyle. I, however, tend to think there are other more significant factors behind an unhealthy lifestyle among young people. Lack of exercise is arguably the most common reason. The fact that most young people today have modern conveniences such as a personal car, a smartphone, home delivery, and powerful home appliances means that they do not have to be physically active as much anymore. This is further compounded by easy access to entertainment. While in the past most young people played sports and spent time outdoors to have fun, these days they can entertain themselves watching TV or playing video games indoors. These changes appear to have had more influence on the lifestyle of young people than junk food. In conclusion, as much as I think part of the blame for an unhealthy lifestyle among youngsters lies on junk food, I am more inclined to say that insufficient exercise and the prevalence of indoor entertainment are more significant determinants.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct word choice Original: proclivity Suggested revision: problem Why it matters: Proclivity describes a tendency and cannot refer naturally to an unhealthy lifestyle.
- 2. Punctuate the contrast Original: issue though it is partly Suggested revision: issue, though it is partly Why it matters: A comma is needed before the contrasting subordinate clause.
- 3. Fix pronoun agreement Original: their Suggested revision: its Why it matters: The mass noun junk food takes the singular possessive determiner its.
- 4. Fix subject agreement Original: tend Suggested revision: tends Why it matters: The head of the subject is the singular mass noun junk food, so the verb should be tends.
- 5. Use precise phrasing Original: which are shown to result in Suggested revision: which have been shown to cause Why it matters: The revision expresses the stated causal relationship more naturally.
- 6. Add the article Original: suffer from less than healthy lifestyle Suggested revision: lead a less-than-healthy lifestyle Why it matters: The singular count noun lifestyle requires an article, and lead is the natural verb here.
- 7. Improve word order Original: physically active as much anymore Suggested revision: as physically active anymore Why it matters: The revised order is more natural after do not have to be.
- 8. Add the linking preposition Original: entertain themselves watching Suggested revision: entertain themselves by watching Why it matters: By is needed to introduce the method of entertaining themselves.
- 9. Use a natural comparison Original: more influence on the lifestyle Suggested revision: a greater influence on the lifestyle Why it matters: A greater influence is the more natural comparative expression.
- 10. Correct the collocation Original: on Suggested revision: with Why it matters: Responsibility or blame lies with a person or thing.
- 11. Use concise phrasing Original: prove Suggested revision: be Why it matters: The simpler verb phrase expresses the same claim more directly.
- 12. Remove unsupported signposting Original: for several reasons Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The paragraph develops one principal nutritional reason rather than several separate reasons.
Suggested Rewrites
- proclivity problem
- issue though it is partly issue, though it is partly
- their its
- tend tends
- which are shown to result in which have been shown to cause
- suffer from less than healthy lifestyle lead a less-than-healthy lifestyle
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is strongest in its nuanced, consistently maintained position that junk food contributes to the problem while inactivity is more influential, and both sides of that position receive relevant development. Its main limitation is the absence of paragraph breaks, which weakens the visible organisation despite clear logical movement. The highest-priority improvement is to divide the argument into an introduction, focused body paragraphs, and a conclusion while correcting a few awkward expressions.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay directly answers the question with a qualified position and develops both junk food and alternative causes in substantial detail.
Make the comparative judgment even sharper by briefly explaining why inactivity outweighs diet as a determinant of lifestyle.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through concession and counterargument, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph significantly weakens organisation.
Use distinct paragraphs for the introduction, each main argument, and the conclusion so the progression is immediately visible.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, although several choices are awkward or inaccurate in context.
Use more natural collocations by revising phrases such as “suffer from this proclivity,” “less than healthy lifestyle,” and “blame ... lies on.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are handled with strong control overall, with a few article, agreement, and preposition errors.
Proofread noun phrases and verb agreement, especially forms such as “their poor nutritional content” after a singular referent and missing articles before “lifestyle.”
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people argue that eating junk food has led to an unhealthy lifestyle. This problem has become more common among young people these days. Do you agree or disagree that junk food is the cause of the issue?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.