Some countries have laws that prohibit animals being used in circuses or other forms of entertainment because it is cruel to keep animals in an environment that can cause them stress. Should all countries have laws to prevent animals being used in circuses and similar forms of entertainment?
Sample Response
Nowadays, it is a ubiquitous notion that manifold animals are being utilised in the bulk of circuses and other entertainment centres. Fortunately, in some countries, there are stringent rules about prohibiting such kind of activities. In this essay, I will accentuate several significant points and give my personal stance on issue.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct collocation Original: a ubiquitous notion Suggested revision: a widely known fact Why it matters: “Ubiquitous” describes something widespread, but it does not naturally modify “notion” in this statement.
- 2. Use natural quantifier Original: manifold Suggested revision: many Why it matters: “Many animals” is the natural expression for a large number of animals.
- 3. Clarify quantity Original: the bulk of circuses Suggested revision: many circuses Why it matters: “The bulk of” is awkward with countable venues in this context.
- 4. Use precise noun Original: centres Suggested revision: venues Why it matters: “Venues” more accurately refers to places where entertainment involving animals is presented.
- 5. Simplify legal phrase Original: stringent rules about prohibiting Suggested revision: strict laws prohibiting Why it matters: The revised phrase is concise and uses the appropriate noun for a legal prohibition.
- 6. Fix determiner pattern Original: such kind of activities Suggested revision: such activities Why it matters: “Such” can directly modify the plural noun, so “kind of” is unnecessary and ungrammatical here.
- 7. Use accurate verb Original: accentuate Suggested revision: discuss Why it matters: “Discuss” correctly describes examining points, whereas “accentuate” means merely emphasizing them.
Suggested Rewrites
- a ubiquitous notion a widely known fact
- manifold many
- the bulk of circuses many circuses
- centres venues
- stringent rules about prohibiting strict laws prohibiting
- such kind of activities such activities
Why this response received Band 4.5
The response shows awareness that some countries prohibit animal entertainment and signals an intention to discuss the issue. However, at only 51 words it never states whether all countries should adopt such laws, provides no reasons or examples, and does not develop an argument. The priority is to write a complete essay with a clear position, two explained reasons concerning animal welfare and enforcement, and a conclusion that directly answers the question.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response only paraphrases the context and announces a future discussion, without giving a position, reasons, examples, or a conclusion, and is 199 words under length.
State a direct answer and develop at least two supported reasons before concluding whether every country should enact the prohibition.
Coherence and Cohesion
The three sentences have a basic introductory sequence, but there is no developed argument, paragraph progression, or conclusion to organize.
Use an introduction, two focused body paragraphs, and a conclusion, with each body paragraph advancing one reason.
Lexical Resource
Several less common words are attempted, but choices such as “ubiquitous notion,” “manifold animals,” “bulk of circuses,” and “accentuate points” are inaccurate or unnatural.
Use precise, natural terms such as “many animals,” “circuses and entertainment venues,” “animal welfare,” and “support a nationwide ban.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The short response contains some controlled structures, but its limited range and errors in phrases such as “such kind” and “on issue” restrict the evidence of accuracy.
Use complete forms such as “such activities” and “my position on the issue,” then demonstrate a wider range across a full essay.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some countries have laws that prohibit animals being used in circuses or other forms of entertainment because it is cruel to keep animals in an environment that can cause them stress. Should all countries have laws to prevent animals being used in circuses and similar forms of entertainment?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.