Smoking can cause serious illnesses and should be made illegal. To what extent do you agree?
Sample Response
In this contemporary epoch, people are getting indulged in copious pessimistic habits such as smoking, consuming alcohol, and intake drugs. It is an irrefutable fact that smoking is one of the worst actions which is practised by mankind for centuries though it is hazardous and must be forbidden officially. Personally, I vehemently accord with the given assertion, and I will explicate my stance in the forthcoming paragraphs with credible illustrations.
Analyzing the given statement and elaborating further, there are multiple perilous issues involved when an individual smokes. For an amateur, the health problems commence with cough and minor throat infections. If it is habitual and relentless for years, then it substantially infects the lungs and leads to carcinogenic diseases. It becomes critical gradually and may have to undergo surgeries, and the overall treatments cost millions or might lead to death. Not only chain smokers but also passive smokers are massively impacted. To exemplify, if one person in a family smokes occasionally, then other family members are likely to get affected and deteriorate their physical well-being. Therefore, it is pivotal that all citizens must abstain from indulging in smoking.
Probing ahead with the precautionary measures, the government must impose strict rules and make it a punishable offence if a person smokes. Moreover, it should establish laws to completely ban the manufacturing of cigars, and people who are employed in the cigar business can be provided with other occupations. Furthermore, there are a few states in India where it is entirely prohibited, and it has been made illegal. To cite an instance, Gujarat, Nagaland, and Lakshadweep governments have banned smoking in their respective regions for the well-being of dwellers. In addition, the local authorities should run campaigns and raise awareness programs to the public by explaining the detrimental effects of smoking cigarettes. Thus manufacturing cigars and cigarettes must be prohibited by the government for the benefit of mankind.
Taking everything into consideration, there are numerous consequences involved due to smoking which is harmful to the human population, and hence, it must be forbidden illegally throughout the world.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix verb form Original: getting indulged in Suggested revision: indulging in Why it matters: The progressive passive construction is incorrect because people actively engage in these habits.
- 2. Choose accurate words Original: copious pessimistic habits Suggested revision: numerous harmful habits Why it matters: “Copious” and “pessimistic” do not naturally describe unhealthy habits.
- 3. Use parallel verb form Original: intake Suggested revision: taking Why it matters: The list requires a gerund phrase parallel to “smoking” and “consuming.”
- 4. Correct stance collocation Original: vehemently accord with Suggested revision: strongly agree with Why it matters: “Agree with” is the correct collocation for expressing support for a view.
- 5. Name the group accurately Original: For an amateur Suggested revision: For a new smoker Why it matters: “Amateur” usually contrasts with a professional and is inappropriate for describing someone new to smoking.
- 6. Add article Original: commence with cough Suggested revision: begin with a cough Why it matters: The countable noun “cough” requires an article in this context.
- 7. Clarify conditional subject Original: If it is habitual and relentless for years Suggested revision: If a person smokes habitually for years Why it matters: The original pronoun has no clear antecedent, and “relentless” cannot naturally describe smoking here.
- 8. Use accurate health verb Original: it substantially infects the lungs Suggested revision: smoking can severely damage the lungs Why it matters: Smoking damages the lungs rather than infecting them.
- 9. Use precise health term Original: carcinogenic diseases Suggested revision: cancer Why it matters: “Carcinogenic” describes something that causes cancer rather than the disease itself.
- 10. Use formal collocation Original: massively impacted Suggested revision: seriously affected Why it matters: This is a more natural formal collocation for describing harm to people.
- 11. Fix verb relationship Original: get affected and deteriorate their physical well-being Suggested revision: be affected and experience deteriorating physical health Why it matters: People experience deterioration in their health rather than directly deteriorating their well-being.
- 12. Fix mandative clause Original: must abstain from indulging in smoking Suggested revision: abstain from smoking Why it matters: After “it is pivotal that,” the base verb is needed without the modal “must.”
Suggested Rewrites
- getting indulged in indulging in
- copious pessimistic habits numerous harmful habits
- intake taking
- vehemently accord with strongly agree with
- For an amateur For a new smoker
- commence with cough begin with a cough
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response maintains a clear position and develops relevant arguments about health harms and government action in a logical sequence. Its effectiveness is reduced by frequent unnatural word choices and collocations, alongside some grammatical imprecision, which make the style strained even though meaning remains clear. Prioritize replacing memorized-sounding language with accurate, natural phrasing and proofreading sentence subjects and verb forms.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly answers the question, sustains a clear agreement position, and develops relevant reasons and proposed actions.
Strengthen the support by using a precise, verifiable example and by addressing a possible practical objection to prohibition.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is logical and progression is clear, although several formulaic signposts make the organisation feel mechanical.
Replace stock transitions with direct topic sentences that show the specific relationship between health consequences and legal measures.
Lexical Resource
There is a wide attempt at less common vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices create an unnatural and sometimes confusing style.
Prefer accurate everyday academic phrases, replacing expressions such as copious pessimistic habits, infects the lungs, and forbidden illegally.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures, but recurring errors in reference, agreement, and clause construction reduce precision while meaning generally remains clear.
Proofread every complex sentence for a clear subject and correct verb pattern, especially where pronouns refer to smokers, illnesses, or governments.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Smoking can cause serious illnesses and should be made illegal. To what extent do you agree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.