Tobacco is a kind of drug. People have been free to use it. Some people think that it should be illegal to use it comparing with other drugs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What is your opinion?
Sample Response
Every year, thousands of people worldwide die from both smoking tobacco and involuntarily breathing it in. Despite this, I do not agree that it should be made illegal. However, I also believe that there should be a regulation on its use, considering its harms to health. In the following paragraphs, I shall put forth my arguments to support my views. It is irrefutable that tobacco products, especially cigarettes, could cause lung cancer, heart disease, and other illnesses. Drug abuse also has many potentially harmful effects not only on individuals but also on family, friends, work and society. Frequent drug users may turn to crime to meet the increasing expense for their habit. Continued drug use may cause personality changes. Some users lose interest in school or work, or have difficulty meeting the responsibilities of a job or family. Nonetheless, it costs society far more to prohibit a drug than it does to regulate it. And I’m not talking about just money. Prohibition creates organized crime, and with it you get street wars, and police corruption. With more violence comes more police, and that means more cost. Regulation on the other hand, works quite well. The government should decide who gets to make it, who sells it, and who it is sold to. There should be controls on tobacco regarding potency, packaging, advertising, and a lot of other things. This is definitely better than banning a drug which leads to organized crime. Moreover, tobacco has long been a source of money for the governments in many countries. This income comes from taxes on the manufactured products. Excise taxes also come from tobacco that arrives from other countries. Finally, I believe that it is better to educate people about the harms of tobacco. This approach has worked better in many countries and there has been a reduction in the sale of tobacco products To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, banning tobacco is not a good idea. Drug prohibition has been the most failed social policy and banning tobacco is a step backwards. However, there should be control on the manufacturing and sale of tobacco.
(For banning) Every year, thousands of people worldwide die from both smoking tobacco and involuntarily breathing it in. Therefore, I agree that it should be made illegal considering its harms to health. In the following paragraphs, I shall put forth my arguments to support my views. It is irrefutable that tobacco products, especially cigarettes, could cause lung cancer, heart disease, and other illnesses. Smoking tobacco kills more than alcohol, drug abuse, car crashes, murders, suicides, and fires combined. World-wide some 3 million people die from smoking each year, 1 every 10 seconds. Smokers are more than 20 times more likely to develop lung cancer than non-smokers, and smoking can lead to a host of other health problems, including emphysema and heart disease. The detrimental effects of cigarette smoke are not just on the active smoker, but also on the passive smoker. Smoking tobacco not only gives the smoker a high chance of an early grave it gives those around him/her the same chances due to second hand smoke. What is more, a child born to a woman who has actively or passively smoked during pregnancy has chances of developing congenital defects. Drug abuse also has many potentially harmful effects not only on individuals but also on family, friends, work and society. Frequent drug users may turn to crime to meet the increasing expense for their habit. Continued drug use may cause personality changes. Some users lose interest in school or work, or have difficulty meeting the responsibilities of a job or family. To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, one of the main responsibilities of any government is to ensure the safety of its population, that is why taking tobacco should be made illegal.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix regulation phrase Original: there should be a regulation on its use Suggested revision: its use should be regulated Why it matters: The passive verb expresses the intended idea more naturally than 'a regulation on.'
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: more cost Suggested revision: higher costs Why it matters: 'Higher costs' is the standard expression for increased expenditure.
- 3. Set off linker Original: Regulation on the other hand, Suggested revision: Regulation, on the other hand, Why it matters: The parenthetical linking phrase requires a comma on both sides.
- 4. Use formal wording Original: who gets to make it Suggested revision: who may manufacture it Why it matters: 'Manufacture' is more precise and appropriately formal than 'gets to make.'
- 5. Avoid vague wording Original: a lot of other things Suggested revision: other relevant factors Why it matters: The replacement is more concise and formal while retaining the general reference.
- 6. Use precise collocation Original: source of money for the governments Suggested revision: source of revenue for governments Why it matters: Taxation provides government revenue, and the general plural does not need an article.
- 7. Specify the products Original: the manufactured products Suggested revision: manufactured tobacco products Why it matters: Naming the products makes the tax reference clear.
- 8. Use uncountable noun Original: harms of tobacco Suggested revision: harm caused by tobacco Why it matters: 'Harm' is normally uncountable when referring generally to damaging effects.
- 9. Clarify comparison Original: worked better in many countries Suggested revision: proved effective in many countries Why it matters: 'Proved effective' avoids an unsupported comparison with an unspecified alternative.
- 10. End the sentence Original: products To put Suggested revision: products. To put Why it matters: A full stop is needed between the completed claim and the concluding phrase.
- 11. Fix adjective choice Original: most failed social policy Suggested revision: least successful social policy Why it matters: 'Most failed' is not a natural gradable adjective phrase.
- 12. Fix number and noun Original: control on the manufacturing Suggested revision: controls on the manufacture Why it matters: The general policy requires plural 'controls,' while 'manufacture' names the process.
Suggested Rewrites
- there should be a regulation on its use its use should be regulated
- more cost higher costs
- Regulation on the other hand, Regulation, on the other hand,
- who gets to make it who may manufacture it
- a lot of other things other relevant factors
- source of money for the governments source of revenue for governments
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response offers a substantial range of relevant arguments and generally communicates individual points clearly. Its central weakness is that it combines two complete, opposing answers—first rejecting a ban and then supporting one—so the overall position is contradictory, while repetition and absent internal paragraphing weaken progression. The highest-priority improvement is to choose one position and build a single, selectively developed essay around it.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Although both sets of arguments are relevant and often developed, the two opposing answers leave the response without a coherent overall position.
Select one defensible position and include only arguments that consistently support that answer throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress reasonably within each opposing section, but wholesale repetition, extremely long blocks, and the abrupt switch of position undermine overall coherence.
Organize one answer into distinct introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs, with each body paragraph advancing a new supporting reason.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a fairly broad topic-specific vocabulary, though some phrasing is formulaic, informal, or imprecise.
Replace memorized expressions and vague wording with precise academic phrases that fit the specific argument.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a useful mix of simple and complex structures, but punctuation, sentence-boundary, article, and agreement errors recur.
Edit long sentences for complete clause boundaries and check punctuation and agreement before submitting.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Tobacco is a kind of drug. People have been free to use it. Some people think that it should be illegal to use it comparing with other drugs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What is your opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.