With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?
Sample Response
Due to the development of healthcare infrastructure, the global population is getting older due to which an elderly segment of the population is more noticeable. This brings some possible problems, such as a burden on healthcare systems and insufficient job opportunities, and, on the other hand, it offers the solution of securing financial resources for old people’s services and establishment of more employment agencies.
To begin with, the older population will need long-term care facilities and treatment for geriatric diseases. This, in turn, may cause a great deal of demand on the service and even lead to closures due to oversubscription. Besides, the old have a wealth of knowledge and experience in various fields, making it difficult for the young to find jobs. For instance, in an Asian country, due to a large number of old persons in the workplace, the young generation could not find jobs and thus decided to migrate to other countries.
However, it is important to look at the possible proactive solutions first. The government can reduce the strain on health systems by making a huge investment in health-related services. This can be done by making such facilities available and affordable for the elderly so that their needs are met. Apart from that, the authorities should provide a number of job opportunities for all people. In this way, it will be easy to see the young people's unemployment rates drop drastically.
In conclusion, the growing aging population can lead to increased medical care costs and the youth's joblessness, but these problems can be tackled with financial backing from the government and job creation.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix demand collocation Original: a great deal of demand on the service Suggested revision: considerable demand for these services Why it matters: Demand is normally expressed as being “for” services, and the plural matches the facilities and treatment mentioned.
- 2. Clarify service effect Original: closures due to oversubscription Suggested revision: service disruptions due to oversubscription Why it matters: “Service disruptions” conveys the stated consequence more clearly than the vague plural “closures”.
- 3. Use respectful term Original: the old Suggested revision: older people Why it matters: This person-first wording is more neutral and appropriate in formal writing.
- 4. Use precise group term Original: for the young to find jobs Suggested revision: for younger people to find jobs Why it matters: “Younger people” is more natural and less reductive in formal prose.
- 5. Use natural term Original: old persons in the workplace Suggested revision: older workers in the workplace Why it matters: “Older workers” is the standard concise term for the group described.
- 6. Use natural group term Original: the young generation could not find jobs Suggested revision: younger people could not find jobs Why it matters: This wording is more natural and precise than “the young generation”.
- 7. Remove redundant wording Original: look at the possible proactive solutions first Suggested revision: consider proactive solutions Why it matters: “Possible” and “first” add little meaning and weaken the transition.
- 8. Use formal collocation Original: making a huge investment in health-related services Suggested revision: investing substantially in health-related services Why it matters: The revision is more concise and appropriately formal.
- 9. Strengthen logical link Original: it will be easy to see Suggested revision: this could help Why it matters: The replacement links job creation directly to the expected reduction in unemployment.
- 10. Avoid awkward modifier Original: aging Suggested revision: elderly Why it matters: The original sequence of participial modifiers is awkward and unclear.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: Due to the development of healthcare infrastructure, the global population is getting older due to which an elderly segment of the population is more noticeable. Suggested revision: Improvements in healthcare infrastructure have contributed to the increasingly noticeable growth of the elderly population. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the repeated “due” construction and creates a clear grammatical relationship between cause and result.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: This brings some possible problems, such as a burden on healthcare systems and insufficient job opportunities, and, on the other hand, it offers the solution of securing financial resources for old people’s services and establishment of more employment agencies. Suggested revision: This trend may burden healthcare systems and reduce job opportunities, but it can be managed by funding services for older people and establishing more employment agencies. Why it matters: The rewrite corrects the faulty parallel structure and presents the problems and proposed responses clearly.
Suggested Rewrites
- a great deal of demand on the service considerable demand for these services
- closures due to oversubscription service disruptions due to oversubscription
- the old older people
- for the young to find jobs for younger people to find jobs
- old persons in the workplace older workers in the workplace
- the young generation could not find jobs younger people could not find jobs
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response is clearly structured and offers relevant discussion of healthcare pressure alongside practical government action, with generally effective control of complex sentences. However, it never states directly whether society will be able to cope, and the employment argument is only partly convincing and developed through broad claims. The priority is to give an explicit answer to the first question and build solutions that respond precisely to the ageing-population challenge.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay discusses problems and management measures, but its position on whether society can cope remains implicit and some ideas are insufficiently developed.
State a direct answer to the coping question and explain how each proposed measure would make that outcome achievable.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure and overall progression are clear, although some logical links within the employment discussion are weak.
Use each body paragraph for one tightly defined problem-and-response chain rather than shifting between loosely connected claims.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary shows useful range, but several unnatural collocations and vague expressions reduce precision.
Use more natural phrases such as 'place heavy demand on services' and replace general wording with precise policy terms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of complex forms is generally controlled, with errors or awkward constructions rarely affecting meaning.
Simplify overloaded clauses and check article and noun-phrase construction to make complex sentences more natural.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.