Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?
Sample Response
In current society, the life expectancy in western countries has increased significantly. Also, fewer babies are being born, causing the relative percentage of elderly people to increase. These people have to be taken care of, causing the question to rise whether this number of elderly people can be cared for.
When people grow older, they can also develop more health issues, resulting in more visits to doctors and hospitals, and an increased usage of pharmaceuticals. Due to the current large numbers of elderly people, the pressure put onto health care systems is increasing. In many western countries, the state provides most of the health care system. Therefore with increasing numbers of old people, higher percentages of state funding have to be allocated to health care and this could cause shortfalls in other areas, for example education. This change in the distribution of money can therefore impact society negatively.
Society should be able to handle these changes. Governments will have been able to predict the changing demographic situations in their countries and plan accordingly. This might indeed lead to other sectors in society having money taken away from them, but caring for the elderly is one of the key responsibilities of today’s governments. For the future, it might be necessary to ensure that an extra insurance charge is levied on people’s salaries in order that any future financial shortfall is met. This would be unpopular, but would allow governments to have the necessary funds available.
In conclusion, society today and in the future should be well able to deal with caring for their elderly. It is only a question of careful long-term forecasting and planning.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: current Suggested revision: contemporary Why it matters: ‘Contemporary society’ is the more natural expression for society at the present time.
- 2. Capitalise proper adjective Original: western Suggested revision: Western Why it matters: ‘Western’ is conventionally capitalised when it denotes a cultural or geographic region.
- 3. Use precise noun Original: relative percentage Suggested revision: proportion Why it matters: ‘Proportion’ expresses the share of the population more concisely and naturally.
- 4. Improve collocation Original: an increased usage of pharmaceuticals Suggested revision: increased use of pharmaceuticals Why it matters: ‘Use’ is more natural than ‘usage’ when referring to the consumption of medicines.
- 5. Use concise collocation Original: pressure put onto health care systems Suggested revision: pressure on healthcare systems Why it matters: ‘Pressure on’ is the standard and more concise collocation.
- 6. Clarify provision Original: provides most of the health care system Suggested revision: provides most healthcare services Why it matters: A state provides services rather than providing a system itself.
- 7. Add introductory comma Original: Therefore with Suggested revision: Therefore, with Why it matters: The sentence-opening connector should be followed by a comma.
- 8. Use precise measure Original: higher percentages of state funding Suggested revision: a larger share of state funding Why it matters: ‘A larger share’ is the natural way to describe a growing allocation from a fixed budget.
- 9. Fix pronoun agreement Original: their elderly Suggested revision: its elderly population Why it matters: The singular collective noun ‘society’ requires the singular possessive ‘its’.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: These people have to be taken care of, causing the question to rise whether this number of elderly people can be cared for. Suggested revision: This raises the question of whether society can care for this growing elderly population. Why it matters: The rewrite removes awkward causative grammar and unnecessary repetition while preserving the question posed.
Suggested Rewrites
- current contemporary
- western Western
- relative percentage proportion
- an increased usage of pharmaceuticals increased use of pharmaceuticals
- pressure put onto health care systems pressure on healthcare systems
- provides most of the health care system provides most healthcare services
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response gives a clear position, explains the demographic and financial pressures coherently, and proposes a credible funding measure with strong control of language. Its main limitation is that the management discussion is somewhat narrow and a few expressions are slightly awkward. To strengthen an already accomplished answer, develop one additional practical response and refine the occasional unnatural collocation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly answers both parts of the question with a clear position, relevant analysis, and a well-explained financial management proposal.
Broaden the solution slightly by developing one complementary practical measure, such as preventive care or workforce planning.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from demographic context to consequences, management, and conclusion, with cohesive devices used smoothly throughout.
Make the transition into the proposed solution even more explicit so the shift from problem analysis to management is immediately signalled.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary conveys complex demographic and financial ideas effectively, with only occasional slightly awkward collocations.
Refine phrases such as the question to rise and pressure put onto health care systems into more idiomatic academic English.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is handled accurately, and the response contains only minor, non-impeding grammatical lapses.
Polish punctuation after introductory connectors and review occasional tense choices to make already strong sentences fully natural.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.