Television, newspaper, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities What is your view? Discuss.
Sample Response
Mass media play a significant role in our society as they elucidate a great deal of different information for people. The professional journalists work for various purposes to deliver the latest and the most sensational news about political, social and economic issues and of course the materials concerning entertainment in all its manifestation. In this essay, I would like to express my personal point of view upon this subject.
First of all, I am fully agreed with the title of this essay and I consider it as the real challenge in modern society. People are using many contemporary gadgets these days which give them lots of opportunities to know the things inside out. But the most intriguing and absorbing themes for ordinary people are articles in gossip columns of many newspapers and glossy magazines about movie and pop stars, their glamorous way of living and scandals on their love affairs. Television contributes the problem too, as it shows too much of private and secret details of contemporary stars. The audience is disquiet over big money celebrities and other famous people earn, the clothes they wear, cars they drive and homes they live in and so on. Nowadays it is very popular to know many specific ins and outs of our favourite idols. In addition for many teenagers and young adults these public people are heroes and examples to follow. They admire and fall in love with celebrities, discuss their difficulties and try to get closer to them through the internet, people subscribe for the personal pages of singers, film stars, TV presenters, politicians and others in popular social networks.
It seems to me that media should stop their attempts to conquer people via their powerful sources of information, obtrude the unnecessary ideas of getting involved too much into public people’s personal affairs and life. We must live our own life, thinking about our future without pretending to be someone else. There are a lot of other apparent examples in our life where media can be the far more useful source of knowledge, e.g. in education, science, medicine etc.
To sum up I would like to state that modern media make us addicted to the current trends and it is sometimes impossible to stay away from its oppressive influence. Nevertheless, it is up to us to make our own choice in everything that we watch, read, listen or dream about.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. General plural Original: The professional journalists Suggested revision: Professional journalists Why it matters: No article is needed for a general plural.
- 2. Plural noun Original: all its manifestation Suggested revision: all its manifestations Why it matters: The phrase refers to multiple forms.
- 3. Verb form Original: I am fully agreed Suggested revision: I fully agree Why it matters: Agree is active here.
- 4. Missing preposition Original: contributes the problem Suggested revision: contributes to the problem Why it matters: Contribute requires to.
- 5. Quantity form Original: too much of private and secret details Suggested revision: too many private details Why it matters: Details is a plural count noun.
- 6. Natural phrasing Original: is disquiet over big money Suggested revision: is preoccupied with how much money Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended meaning clearly.
- 7. Preposition Original: subscribe for the personal pages Suggested revision: subscribe to the personal pages Why it matters: Subscribe takes to.
- 8. Wrong collocation Original: obtrude the unnecessary ideas Suggested revision: encourage unnecessary involvement Why it matters: The original wording is unnatural and unclear.
- 9. Natural media phrase Original: elucidate a great deal of different information Suggested revision: provide a wide range of information Why it matters: Elucidate information is unnatural and needlessly complex here.
- 10. Uncountable noun Original: the materials concerning entertainment Suggested revision: material concerning entertainment Why it matters: Material is normally uncountable in this meaning.
- 11. Concise position Original: point of view upon this subject Suggested revision: view on this issue Why it matters: The revision is shorter and more idiomatic.
- 12. Refer to the prompt Original: title of this essay Suggested revision: statement in the prompt Why it matters: The task contains a proposition to evaluate rather than an essay title.
Suggested Rewrites
- The professional journalists Professional journalists
- all its manifestation all its manifestations
- I am fully agreed I fully agree
- contributes the problem contributes to the problem
- too much of private and secret details too many private details
- is disquiet over big money is preoccupied with how much money
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay gives a consistent view that media attention to celebrities is excessive and explains public fascination, imitation and the opportunity cost of entertainment coverage. It is organised into a recognizable argument and uses a broad vocabulary. However, several claims remain general, while frequent collocation and sentence-boundary errors reduce precision; develop the harms with concrete reasoning and edit long sentences carefully.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A relevant position is maintained, but reasons and consequences are not always fully explained.
Explain specific harms such as privacy invasion, distorted priorities or unhealthy role modelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is clear, though some long sentences join loosely related ideas.
Use shorter topic-led sentences and clearer links between fascination and harm.
Lexical Resource
Range is evident, but ambitious vocabulary produces frequent inaccurate collocations.
Prefer precise familiar words over forced expressions such as obtrude ideas.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is generally clear despite recurring agreement, article and comma-splice errors.
Check clause boundaries, prepositions and subject-verb forms.