Some people say that men are naturally more competitive than women. What extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Males are believed to be innately more competitive than females. In my opinion, I completely agree with this statement and this view will be elaborated in this essay.
To begin with, males being more aggressive than females can be attributed to evolution. Since the dawn of civilization, males have been hunters and women have been gatherers. While men hunted for food and protected the tribes from danger, women took on more domestic tasks and cared for infants and those that were weak. As a result, males developed to be more combative in order to fight off predators or enemies, and females grew to be more nurturing. Overtime, these became inherited traits for both genders in later generations. To exemplify, a study conducted in the United States in 2007 pointed out that women accounted for merely 2.5 percent of the highest paid executives. What caused this includes a lack of female leaders in the most competitive positions, among other reasons.
Moreover, women naturally have less desire for competition than men due to their roles in the patriarchal society. Throughout the course of human history, patriarchy has been dominating. In former times, women were forced to take a back seat in most aspects. These days, this practice is deprecated, yet taboos towards competitive women still exist. For example, at the workplace, if a woman is openly ambitious, her actions are likely to be frowned upon. As a result, in nature, women are less confident than men in pursuing their goals and often shy away from competition as they are convinced that their achievements are undesirable and that they have less chance of winning.
To sum up, I strongly believe that males are more competitive than females by nature because of the human’s evolution and the effects that patriarchal society has on women.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural verb Original: developed to be more combative Suggested revision: became more combative Why it matters: Became is the natural verb for describing a change in a characteristic.
- 2. Correct the transition Original: Overtime Suggested revision: Over generations Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended gradual change across generations without using the unrelated word overtime.
- 3. Clarify the reference Original: these became inherited traits Suggested revision: these characteristics became inherited traits Why it matters: Naming the characteristics gives the pronoun-like reference a clear noun.
- 4. Fix agreement Original: What caused this includes Suggested revision: Possible causes include Why it matters: The plural subject causes correctly takes include and avoids the faulty what-clause.
- 5. Use adjectival form Original: dominating Suggested revision: dominant Why it matters: Dominant is the adjective needed after has been to describe a continuing condition.
- 6. Correct word choice Original: this practice is deprecated Suggested revision: this practice has declined Why it matters: Deprecated is normally used for officially discouraged systems or features, whereas declined fits a social practice.
- 7. Fix the collocation Original: towards Suggested revision: against Why it matters: Taboos against is the appropriate collocation for social disapproval directed at a group.
- 8. Fix the preposition Original: at Suggested revision: in Why it matters: In the workplace is the standard expression for this general setting.
- 9. Remove conflicting link Original: As a result, in nature, women are less confident Suggested revision: As a result, women are less confident Why it matters: In nature conflicts with the paragraph's claim that social pressures produce the effect.
- 10. Use correct noun phrase Original: the human’s evolution Suggested revision: human evolution Why it matters: Human evolution is the standard uncountable noun phrase and does not take a possessive article.
- 11. Match the key concept Original: males being more aggressive than females Suggested revision: greater male competitiveness Why it matters: Competitiveness matches the essay question more precisely than aggression.
- 12. Clarify the reference Original: the tribes Suggested revision: their communities Why it matters: Their communities identifies the group being protected more naturally.
Suggested Rewrites
- developed to be more combative became more combative
- Overtime Over generations
- these became inherited traits these characteristics became inherited traits
- What caused this includes Possible causes include
- dominating dominant
- this practice is deprecated this practice has declined
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay presents a consistent opinion and develops two distinct explanations with clear paragraph-level progression and a strong range of topic vocabulary. The main weakness is that some evidence does not convincingly prove innate competitiveness, while several collocations and grammatical forms are imprecise; the priority is to strengthen the logical link between each example and the claim while editing unnatural expressions.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is sustained and both main reasons are developed, though the executive statistic only partly supports the claim about innate competitiveness.
Explain precisely how each example demonstrates competitiveness and distinguish biological causes from the effects of social conditioning.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organised, with clear topic progression and generally effective connections within and between paragraphs.
Use less formulaic signposting and make the transition from historical gender roles to modern workplace behaviour more explicit.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a varied range of less common vocabulary, although several choices and collocations are awkward or inaccurate.
Replace expressions such as 'practice is deprecated,' 'taboos towards,' and 'in nature' with natural academic alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentences are used frequently and meaning remains clear, despite several errors in agreement, possessives, and phrasing.
Proofread sentence subjects and noun forms, especially in 'What caused this includes' and 'the human's evolution.'
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that men are naturally more competitive than women. What extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.