The dangers and complexities of the modern world have made the mobile phone an absolute necessity for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
The ever changing society we live in these days is unfortunately acclaimed with increasing rates of crime making it a very unsafe place to live in for everyone. children safety is compromised where disturbing offences such as abduction and any kinds of abuse are more prevalent thee days. Due to this reason, the use of mobile phones particularly by children, have been considered as a must to address this issue. Parents or guardians nowadays have supplied their own children with mobile phones as a means of a safety reassuring device. Both parties benefit more from the technical use of a mobile phone especially in conditions we live, where dangers can arise at any point in time. Should safety be compromised from children, they can easily contact their parents or other members within the family, and other appropriate persons, such as the police, who is also concerned of their well being. This easy communication access, allows for relatives or the receiver on the line to act for safety in a timely manner. Furthermore, parents have the ease of mind to their children's whereabouts. The high technology of mobile phones allow them to easily contact or be informed with updates about their children's day. On the other hand, I believe such device is not a necessity for children in surviving this world evolved with crimes and complexities. Firstly, education can be provided to the young ones in regards to safety practices. This refers to knowing who can be trusted and not associating to strangers, never be physically in isolation and must be in large groups, and last but not least, informing them of where and who to go for safety, such as teachers, councillors or the police. These are very simple and cost effective, yet very effective ways in minimising and preventing dangers that can happen to children. Secondly, it is understandably important for parents to be aware of their children's day, however, constant communication which is considered as vital, can also interfere with these children's development of independence. Lastly, the use of mobile phones open endless opportunities of social and online gaming use, which can impact their interpersonal skills with other people and predispose them to violence. Evidently children are potentially imposed to dangers with their use of mobile phones. To conclude, although the device provide security for children while living in a troublesome and complicated world, I strongly believe it is unnecessary and inappropriate for children to own a mobile phone. Education and proper guidance should be provided for these children in order to live safely in this kind of environment we live in.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use accurate collocation Original: acclaimed with Suggested revision: characterized by Why it matters: The original verb does not collocate with rising crime rates in this context.
- 2. Use possessive form Original: children Suggested revision: children's Why it matters: The possessive form is required to show that the safety belongs to children.
- 3. Fix determiner agreement Original: any Suggested revision: various Why it matters: The plural noun phrase needs a compatible determiner.
- 4. Correct spelling Original: thee Suggested revision: these Why it matters: The demonstrative is misspelled.
- 5. Fix subject agreement Original: mobile phones particularly by children, have been considered Suggested revision: mobile phones, particularly among children, has been considered Why it matters: The singular subject “use” requires “has,” and the inserted phrase should be set off clearly.
- 6. Remove awkward phrasing Original: as a means of a safety reassuring device Suggested revision: as a reassuring safety device Why it matters: The original sequence of nouns and modifiers is not idiomatic English.
- 7. Complete relative structure Original: conditions we live Suggested revision: the conditions in which we live Why it matters: The phrase needs a determiner and a preposition before the relative clause.
- 8. Clarify conditional clause Original: Should safety be compromised from children Suggested revision: If children's safety is threatened Why it matters: The original passive construction uses the wrong preposition and obscures whose safety is meant.
- 9. Fix agreement and preposition Original: who is also concerned of Suggested revision: who are also concerned about Why it matters: The relative clause refers to plural people and “concerned” takes “about.”
- 10. Remove incorrect comma Original: access, allows Suggested revision: access allows Why it matters: A comma must not separate the subject from its verb.
- 11. Use correct expression Original: ease of mind to Suggested revision: peace of mind about Why it matters: “Peace of mind about” is the idiomatic expression for reassurance concerning something.
- 12. Add article Original: such device Suggested revision: such a device Why it matters: A singular countable noun after “such” requires an article.
Suggested Rewrites
- acclaimed with characterized by
- children children's
- any various
- thee these
- mobile phones particularly by children, have been considered mobile phones, particularly among children, has been considered
- as a means of a safety reassuring device as a reassuring safety device
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response engages thoughtfully with both the safety benefits and the drawbacks of children owning phones, and it ultimately states a clear position. Its main weakness is that frequent awkward collocations, agreement errors, and the absence of paragraph breaks reduce clarity and polish. Prioritise organising the argument into distinct paragraphs and revising recurring sentence-level errors so that the developed ideas are expressed more precisely and smoothly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses the claim from both perspectives and reaches a clear, relevant conclusion supported by several developed reasons.
State the disagreement clearly in the introduction and support the central objections with more specific examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically through benefits, alternatives, and drawbacks, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph weakens its structure.
Divide the essay into a clear introduction, focused body paragraphs, and a conclusion, with each paragraph centred on one main purpose.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably broad vocabulary, although frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices make several sentences sound unnatural.
Replace awkward combinations with precise forms such as peace of mind, children's safety, and communicate updates about their day.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is attempted and meaning remains clear, but agreement, article, preposition, and punctuation errors recur throughout.
Proofread systematically for subject-verb agreement, articles, possessives, and sentence boundaries before refining more complex structures.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The dangers and complexities of the modern world have made the mobile phone an absolute necessity for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.