Many people believe that mobile phones cause more harms than the benefits and that's why mobile phones should be restricted? To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
In today’s world, mobile phones play a vital role in our personal and professional lives for people from all age groups. Certainly, it would be difficult to tackle for everyday tasks in our daily life. Despite this, mobile phones possess a threat to our health and productivity of life. Nowadays, everyone has accessibility to mobile phones. Even children use it for multi-tasking functions like internet browsing, playing games etc. In spite of having many uses, it also possesses many disadvantages. Researchers have discovered that mobile phones cause many health problems and can make the loss of memory. Consequently, it affects our productivity of work and is responsible for many health hazards caused due to it. It creates many psychological disorders in people. As a result of this disorder, a low-performance level is observed among working class people in business organisations. We all know that mobile phones reduce our efficiency and performance of life. But, still, they cannot be abandoned from our lives. Professionals use mobile phones for work in their daily life. Many people argue that they need mobile phones in case of an emergency. For example, patients having any chronic diseases like diabetes, cardiac arrests. People who are in a difficult situation in remote areas need mobile phones for quick communications. However, use of mobile phones should be restricted to adults like working professionals. Children should not be allowed the accessibility to have a mobile phone. In summary, it would be unconvincing to impose restrictions on usage of mobile phones. I believe the mobile phone has become a part of our daily life. Although it has negative impacts on our health and productivity, it outweighs the advantages it serves to mankind and society.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural phrasing Original: for people from all age groups Suggested revision: for people of all ages Why it matters: This is a more idiomatic phrase.
- 2. Unclear structure Original: it would be difficult to tackle for everyday tasks Suggested revision: it would be difficult to manage everyday tasks Why it matters: The verb 'tackle' is not used naturally with this structure.
- 3. Wrong collocation Original: possess a threat Suggested revision: pose a threat Why it matters: The standard collocation is 'pose a threat'.
- 4. Unnatural phrase Original: productivity of life Suggested revision: quality of life Why it matters: 'Quality of life' is the natural expression; productivity usually relates to work.
- 5. Pronoun agreement Original: children use it Suggested revision: children use them Why it matters: The pronoun should refer to plural 'mobile phones'.
- 6. Pronoun and collocation Original: it also possesses many disadvantages Suggested revision: they also have many disadvantages Why it matters: Use a plural pronoun and the natural verb 'have'.
- 7. Wrong collocation Original: can make the loss of memory Suggested revision: can cause memory loss Why it matters: This is the standard medical collocation.
- 8. Redundant ending Original: caused due to it Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The phrase is redundant and unclear after 'health hazards'.
- 9. Natural phrase Original: a low-performance level Suggested revision: lower performance Why it matters: The suggested phrase is simpler and more idiomatic.
- 10. Smoother contrast Original: But, still, Suggested revision: However, Why it matters: This creates a cleaner formal transition.
- 11. Sentence fragment Original: patients having any chronic diseases like diabetes, cardiac arrests. Suggested revision: For example, patients with chronic diseases such as diabetes or heart disease may need phones in an emergency. Why it matters: The original lacks a main verb and lists examples imprecisely.
- 12. Uncountable noun Original: quick communications Suggested revision: quick communication Why it matters: 'Communication' is usually uncountable in this context.
Suggested Rewrites
- for people from all age groups for people of all ages
- it would be difficult to tackle for everyday tasks it would be difficult to manage everyday tasks
- possess a threat pose a threat
- productivity of life quality of life
- children use it children use them
- it also possesses many disadvantages they also have many disadvantages
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response discusses both harms and benefits, but the position is inconsistent. It first says phones should be restricted for adults/children, then concludes that restrictions are unconvincing and that benefits outweigh negative impacts.
Decide on one clear answer to 'to what extent do you agree' and keep that position unchanged from introduction to conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is some logical movement from harms to benefits, but the essay is written as one block with weak paragraphing. Ideas are sometimes repeated and examples are underdeveloped.
Use four paragraphs: introduction with position, harms, benefits/limited restrictions, and conclusion. Start each body paragraph with one controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant to technology and health, but there are repeated inaccurate collocations such as 'possess a threat', 'make the loss of memory', and 'accessibility to have'.
Build a small set of accurate collocations: 'pose a threat', 'cause memory loss', 'access to mobile phones', 'restrict children's use', and 'emergency communication'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Most meaning is understandable, but sentence structure is often awkward, and errors with pronouns, articles, prepositions, and fragments reduce control.
Edit short sentences for complete grammar and combine related ideas using clear subjects and verbs instead of abstract noun phrases.