Mobile phones and the internet are very useful. However, it is rare for old people to use them. What ways could mobile phones and the internet be useful to old people? How do the old people to be encouraged using this new technology?
Sample Response
Nowadays, mobile phones and the internet have become very common among the individuals around the world. However, these facilities are not frequently utilised by the aged population. In this essay, we will analyse how usage of cellular phones and web can help them to communicate and fulfil their needs without travelling. Also, we will discuss how designing user-friendly applications and phones can encourage such people to use them. To begin with, old people sometimes find difficult to travel a long distance. In this case, cell phones and internet can come to their aid by helping them to communicate with others without commuting. In addition, they can use these technologies for ordering the food or reserving their tickets and thereby, will avoid standing in long queues. Thus, it is evident that these people can take benefit of these facilities for staying in touch with relatives or family and even satisfy their daily needs. In order to motivate these people for using such facilities, companies should concentrate on developing easy to use web applications or the phones. For instance, they can develop cell phone with the big keypad and the internet apps which provide information in their local language. In this way, old people will be able to understand how to use them and hence, can enjoy their use. Therefore, focusing on the development of products which can be easily understood will encourage such people to use them in their daily life. In conclusion, the communication will be easier for the aged people with the use of this technology. For achieving this, organisations should make an attempt to develop products which can be handled by old generation. It is thus hoped that government will make some efforts in forcing industries to produce such products.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove awkward wording Original: among the individuals around the world Suggested revision: among individuals worldwide Why it matters: The revision is more concise and uses ‘individuals’ without an unnecessary article.
- 2. Use respectful wording Original: aged Suggested revision: older Why it matters: ‘Older population’ is a more natural term in this context.
- 3. Add required articles Original: usage of cellular phones and web Suggested revision: the use of cellular phones and the web Why it matters: The noun phrase needs ‘the’, and ‘the web’ conventionally takes the definite article.
- 4. Improve adverb placement Original: Also, we will discuss Suggested revision: We will also discuss Why it matters: Placing ‘also’ after the subject creates a smoother link between the two preview statements.
- 5. Add definite article Original: cell phones and internet Suggested revision: cell phones and the internet Why it matters: ‘Internet’ conventionally requires the definite article here.
- 6. Remove unnecessary article Original: ordering the food Suggested revision: ordering food Why it matters: Food in this general sense is uncountable and does not take ‘the’.
- 7. Fix clause structure Original: and thereby, will avoid Suggested revision: thereby avoiding Why it matters: A participle correctly expresses the result of using these technologies.
- 8. Fix collocation Original: take benefit of Suggested revision: benefit from Why it matters: The standard collocation is ‘benefit from’.
- 9. Use purpose infinitive Original: for staying in touch Suggested revision: to stay in touch Why it matters: The infinitive states the purpose more naturally after ‘use’.
- 10. Avoid redundancy Original: relatives or family Suggested revision: relatives Why it matters: Relatives are family members, so the second noun is redundant.
- 11. Fix verb pattern Original: motivate these people for using Suggested revision: motivate these people to use Why it matters: ‘Motivate’ takes an object followed by a to-infinitive.
- 12. Remove unnecessary article Original: or the phones Suggested revision: or phones Why it matters: The generic plural noun does not require ‘the’.
Suggested Rewrites
- among the individuals around the world among individuals worldwide
- aged older
- usage of cellular phones and web the use of cellular phones and the web
- Also, we will discuss We will also discuss
- cell phones and internet cell phones and the internet
- ordering the food ordering food
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response answers both questions clearly, giving relevant uses for technology and practical design-based ways to encourage older users. Its main limitation is that the ideas remain fairly general and are expressed through repetitive, sometimes mechanical progression and frequent awkward collocations. The highest-priority improvement is to develop one encouragement method in greater depth while using more natural phrasing and clearer sentence control.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both parts of the task are addressed with relevant benefits and a clear proposal for encouraging older users.
Develop how training, family support, or accessible design would overcome a specific barrier instead of relying mainly on product simplicity.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a clear two-part sequence, although linking is repetitive and the single-block presentation weakens paragraph-level organisation.
Separate the benefits and encouragement sections into distinct paragraphs and reduce formulaic connectors such as Thus and Therefore.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for the topic, but frequent unnatural collocations reduce precision and flexibility.
Replace phrases such as take benefit, motivate people for using, and handled by old generation with natural collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the message, but article, preposition, and sentence-pattern errors recur.
Review article use and verb patterns, especially constructions such as find it difficult, encourage people to use, and develop a phone.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Mobile phones and the internet are very useful. However, it is rare for old people to use them. What ways could mobile phones and the internet be useful to old people? How do the old people to be encouraged using this new technology?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.