Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In the present era, one group of people thinks that dependence is important whereas, another group of people think the opposite. In this essay, I will discuss both the aspects with examples. On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why people are dependent on others. Firstly, in the work environment, people normally dependent on their coworkers as this will help them to deliver the results more quickly and more efficiently. Also, getting suggestions from others will help them to reduce the work pressure as well as it will ease their work. For example, in a marketing job, there are people who take care of sales, planning, customer relation etc. If they all work together as a team they can succeed in their jobs. On the other hand, in this present generation, people want to be more dependent. Some people think that the dependence on others will waste their time and delay the work. Also, becoming independent will increase confidence to face the difficult situation and it helps in enhancing decision-making skills. For example, nowadays, most parents send their children to study in boarding school/ away from home, to make them understand the outside environment. Parents think that this will make their children independent, which will help in building their self-confidence and make them successful in their career as well as in personal life. To sum up, by considering the above benefits, I personally believe that the dependence on other is beneficial in some cases, where our individual effort is not fulfilling the requirement. However, in cases where people want to prepare themselves to make important decisions of their own and learn something extra, it is better to be independent. All in all, the decision should be made based on the situation.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove comma Original: whereas, another group Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: Do not put a comma after whereas.
- 2. Natural phrase Original: both the aspects Suggested revision: both views Why it matters: Views matches the task wording.
- 3. Missing verb Original: people normally dependent Suggested revision: people are normally dependent Why it matters: The clause needs are.
- 4. Natural work phrase Original: deliver the results Suggested revision: produce results Why it matters: This is more idiomatic.
- 5. Natural collocation Original: reduce the work pressure Suggested revision: reduce their workload Why it matters: Workload is more precise.
- 6. Avoid repetition Original: ease their work Suggested revision: make tasks easier Why it matters: This avoids repeating work.
- 7. Plural form Original: customer relation Suggested revision: customer relations Why it matters: This is the standard business term.
- 8. Contradicts paragraph Original: people want to be more dependent Suggested revision: people want to be more independent Why it matters: The paragraph argues for independence.
- 9. General plural Original: the difficult situation Suggested revision: difficult situations Why it matters: The claim is general.
- 10. Parallel structure Original: it helps in enhancing Suggested revision: enhance Why it matters: Coordinate increase and enhance directly.
- 11. Remove slash Original: boarding school/ away from home Suggested revision: boarding schools away from home Why it matters: The slash is informal and the noun should be plural.
- 12. Plural agreement Original: successful in their career Suggested revision: successful in their careers Why it matters: Children refers to multiple people.
Suggested Rewrites
- whereas, another group Delete
- both the aspects both views
- people normally dependent people are normally dependent
- deliver the results produce results
- reduce the work pressure reduce their workload
- ease their work make tasks easier
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay discusses both perspectives with relevant workplace and education examples, and its nuanced conclusion gives a clear situational opinion. The main weakness is that the independence paragraph begins with the opposite claim and both sides remain somewhat general. Correct that contradiction, deepen the causal analysis, and edit recurring agreement and collocation errors so the position reads more confidently.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both views and an opinion are addressed, with relevant examples, but development remains general and one sentence contradicts the intended second view.
Explain why modern systems increase interdependence and why technology or mobility can increase independence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The two-sided structure is clear and the conclusion is logical, though some mechanical signposting and a contradictory topic sentence interrupt progression.
Give each body paragraph a precise claim and use referencing rather than repeated generic connectors.
Lexical Resource
There is sufficient range for the topic, but repeated dependence/independent forms and awkward collocations reduce precision.
Vary wording with rely on, collaboration, autonomy, and make decisions independently.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is mostly clear, but missing verbs, agreement, articles, and plural forms recur.
Check every clause for a finite verb and match singular and plural subjects carefully.