Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In the 21st century, time is more important than money. Utilisation of time is one of the key factors in this important aspect of life. There is a fundamental debate going between two mindsets of people. The first group is of the opinion that careers are more important than family and friends, others who refute this theory say that, family and friends should be given more priority than work and career. We will do a comparative analysis of both views before reaching a conclusion.
Firstly, the people who give more weight to their jobs and careers tend to believe that improving their careers will automatically reflect positively in the lifestyle of their families and friends. For instance, a man who has a good career will be able to support his family in a much better way compared to the person who is earning very less amount of money. Also, he will be able to save enough amount of money in case of unforeseen circumstances due to which he loses his job. Consequently, the family will compromise on this time factor as they are enjoying a life with all facilities with bearing in mind that whatever a person is doing ultimately will be fruitful for his family & friends.
Now, we will examine the other side of the story in which people who tend to believe that giving too much importance to their work and careers will affect negatively the mental and social behaviour of their family and friends. They will feel neglected and sidelined and consequently they can suffer from problems like depression etc. These types of people are ready to compromise their careers, salary, perks and benefits by allocating more time to their families and friends. The families are also happy to reduce their unnecessary expenses to relieve any sort of pressure on the person who is earning. Subsequently, he enjoys the life in the normal way.
To recapitulate, both the mindsets have their own priorities and goals according to which they decide which one to prefer over other either family & friends over careers or vice versa. But I tend to believe that families and friends should be weighed more in comparison to career and work. It is recommended that this decision of time, career and money should be taken by mutual consensus by all stakeholders i.e. a person family and his friends.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Missing word Original: There is a fundamental debate going Suggested revision: There is a fundamental debate going on Why it matters: The phrasal verb needs on.
- 2. Concise phrase Original: The first group is of the opinion Suggested revision: The first group believes Why it matters: This is clearer and less wordy.
- 3. Comma splice Original: family and friends, others Suggested revision: family and friends; others Why it matters: Two independent clauses should not be joined only by a comma.
- 4. Unneeded comma Original: say that, family Suggested revision: say that family Why it matters: Do not place a comma directly after that in this clause.
- 5. Avoid announcement Original: We will do a comparative analysis Suggested revision: This essay will compare both views Why it matters: The original wording sounds too procedural.
- 6. Wrong quantifier Original: earning very less amount of money Suggested revision: earning very little money Why it matters: Very less amount is not grammatical.
- 7. Natural phrase Original: enough amount of money Suggested revision: enough money Why it matters: Amount of is unnecessary.
- 8. Awkward link Original: with bearing in mind Suggested revision: while bearing in mind Why it matters: This fixes the linking phrase.
- 9. Word order Original: affect negatively the mental Suggested revision: negatively affect the mental Why it matters: The adverb should usually come before the verb.
- 10. Avoid etc. Original: depression etc. Suggested revision: depression and anxiety Why it matters: Specific examples are stronger than etc. in academic writing.
- 11. Article use Original: he enjoys the life Suggested revision: he enjoys life Why it matters: Life in general does not need the article the.
- 12. Natural phrase Original: both the mindsets Suggested revision: both mindsets Why it matters: The article is unnecessary here.
Suggested Rewrites
- There is a fundamental debate going There is a fundamental debate going on
- The first group is of the opinion The first group believes
- family and friends, others family and friends; others
- say that, family say that family
- We will do a comparative analysis This essay will compare both views
- earning very less amount of money earning very little money
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives a personal opinion in favour of family and friends. The response is complete, but some development is repetitive and the opinion appears mainly in the conclusion rather than guiding the essay throughout.
State your own view in the introduction and use the body paragraphs to show why one side is stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is clear, with one paragraph for each view and a conclusion. Cohesive devices are sometimes overused or formulaic, and several long sentences reduce fluency.
Use simpler transitions and split long sentences so each paragraph has a clearer main idea and supporting example.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for the topic, with words such as unforeseen circumstances, neglected, compromise, and consensus. Some word choices are unnatural, repetitive, or too informal for Task 2.
Replace repeated phrases such as family and friends and careers with varied but precise alternatives only where the meaning remains clear.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is some range in sentence forms, but errors with articles, prepositions, word order, and punctuation appear regularly. Meaning is usually clear despite these problems.
Proofread noun phrases and comma use, especially in sentences that compare the two views.