Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
While some believe that the modernisation has made us more reliant on each other, others, however, think that we are more self-reliant and free from dependency on others as the time has progressed. I believe that we have become more independent than any time in the history. People who advocate that we have become more dependent on each other in this modern era often present the idea that our necessity has increased and we need to interact with far more people due to this. This in a way requires us to rely on others for our need. For instance, office executives mostly rely on laundry services, restaurants, house maids, cleaning services and so on to have their necessary works done. In the past, people used to do most of these tasks on their own. Moreover, the prices of education, house, daily commodities etc. is skyrocketing day by day and we need to rely on our parents to have those needs fulfilled until we get a job. When we will become earning members, our parents and children will rely on us. Due to people’s busy schedule and high ambition, they need to socialise and get to know people from different walks of life and this creates a wider circle in which people’s interaction and reliance on each other increase. However, I would agree with the people who opine that modernization has made us free and less reliant on others. In most countries, young children are trying to support their education and living cost. After a certain age, they prefer to stay own his own house. The number of nuclear and single parent family proves that people are less reliant on others. We are free to pick the school, travel to other countries and make our choices for most of the major events in our life including picking our life partners. The progress of the technology has made us more self-reliant and we love to take advantages of the modern tools and devices to make things of our own. For instance, many people these days pick an online lesson than getting admitted to a training institute. Many of us even have the freedom to work from home and this is a paradigm shift in the way we earn our living. Finally, the gender equality and women empowerment movements have greatly made the women free from others reliance and self-dependent and this has all been possible only recently. In conclusion, though some people think that modern era is the time when we are more reliant on each other, I personally believe that we are more free and self-reliant instead.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Article use Original: the modernisation Suggested revision: modernisation Why it matters: Use the abstract noun without the article in this general statement.
- 2. Natural phrase Original: as the time has progressed Suggested revision: as time has progressed Why it matters: The phrase does not need the before time.
- 3. Comparison phrase Original: than any time in the history Suggested revision: than at any time in history Why it matters: This is the correct idiomatic comparison.
- 4. Plural noun needed Original: our necessity has increased Suggested revision: our needs have increased Why it matters: Needs is the natural plural noun here.
- 5. Natural phrase Original: for our need Suggested revision: to meet our needs Why it matters: This expresses the purpose more clearly.
- 6. Wrong noun Original: necessary works done Suggested revision: necessary tasks done Why it matters: Tasks or chores fits this meaning better than works.
- 7. Agreement error Original: prices of education, house, daily commodities etc. is Suggested revision: prices of education, housing, and daily commodities are Why it matters: The plural subject prices needs are, and housing is the correct noun.
- 8. Time clause Original: When we will become earning members Suggested revision: When we become earning members Why it matters: Do not use will in this future time clause.
- 9. Verb agreement Original: reliance on each other increase Suggested revision: reliance on each other increases Why it matters: The singular subject reliance needs increases.
- 10. Pronoun error Original: stay own his own house Suggested revision: stay in their own homes Why it matters: The original has missing preposition and inconsistent pronouns.
- 11. Plural agreement Original: single parent family proves Suggested revision: single-parent families prove Why it matters: The plural evidence needs a plural noun and verb.
- 12. Fixed phrase Original: take advantages of Suggested revision: take advantage of Why it matters: The fixed phrase uses singular advantage.
Suggested Rewrites
- the modernisation modernisation
- as the time has progressed as time has progressed
- than any time in the history than at any time in history
- our necessity has increased our needs have increased
- for our need to meet our needs
- necessary works done necessary tasks done
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives a clear opinion that people are more independent. Examples are relevant, though some claims are broad and the dependency side could be more tightly compared with the independence side.
Make each body paragraph directly compare dependency and independence in the modern world before restating your final view.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a clear overall progression from one view to the other and then a conclusion. However, the essay is submitted as one long block and some sentences are overloaded.
Use paragraph breaks and shorter topic sentences to separate the two views and your own judgement.
Lexical Resource
The response has a good range of vocabulary about dependency, modernisation, technology, and family structure. Some collocations and word choices are inaccurate.
Use precise phrases such as daily needs, household chores, living costs, nuclear families, and technological progress.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are frequent and usually understandable, but agreement, article, pronoun, and verb-form errors occur throughout.
Check plural subjects, possessive pronouns, and verb forms in every complex sentence.