Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
With the passage of time, there have been tremendous changes in the behaviour and consequently the lifestyles of people, especially the young and working couples. Yet another factor which has played the role of a catalyst is the ‘materialistic need’ of the human in the ever-changing pattern of living in the modern times. Due to such unrealistic expectations from the life, the parents have started devoting much of their time towards satisfying their materialistic needs at the cost of the ‘precious gift’ that they have been blessed with, by the Almighty, their children.
Children, for their parents, are dearer than fine opals, more precious than Emeralds! However, due to the discontentment in the life of parents, it is the innocent childhood which has to pay a heavy price.
In the yesteryears, even though the means of livelihood were limited but the quality time spent with children was enough to boost confidence amongst them and make the children a successful and a matured individual. However, in the modern times, though there has been a manifold increase in the means of livelihood, but the price at which such an increase is achieved is negatively skewed. It is the children who are devoid of the, much needed, attention which they truly and rightly deserve.
In a recent interview published in the local tabloid, the renowned choreographers of the famous band, OPEXA, did share their own experience wherein they blamed themselves (husband and wife) for the unhealthy upbringing of their children which ultimately led to their children becoming victims of drug abuse. In the end, I agree that though there is the need to adapt according to the modern lifestyles and requirements but the same must not be achieved at the cost of innocence, love, warmth and tenderness of one’s children.
The childhood, after all, is as sacred as the temple, as holy as the bible and hence should be re-lived, re-enjoyed by the parents of the children.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix adjective coordination Original: the young and working couples Suggested revision: young working couples Why it matters: Young and working jointly describe the same couples, so the article and conjunction are unnecessary.
- 2. Use concise relative form Original: Yet another factor which Suggested revision: Another factor that Why it matters: The revision removes the unnecessary emphasis and uses that for a defining relative clause.
- 3. Use direct verb phrase Original: played the role of a catalyst Suggested revision: acted as a catalyst Why it matters: The revision expresses the same idea more concisely and naturally.
- 4. Use natural plural phrase Original: the ‘materialistic need’ of the human Suggested revision: people's materialistic desires Why it matters: The original singular expression is unnatural for a general claim about many people.
- 5. Use idiomatic expression Original: ever-changing pattern of living Suggested revision: ever-changing way of life Why it matters: Way of life is the natural collocation for changing lifestyles.
- 6. Lowercase common noun Original: Emeralds Suggested revision: emeralds Why it matters: Emeralds is a common noun and should not be capitalised here.
- 7. Use natural possessive phrase Original: discontentment in the life of parents Suggested revision: dissatisfaction in parents' lives Why it matters: The revision uses a more idiomatic noun and a concise plural possessive.
- 8. Clarify whose childhood Original: the innocent childhood which Suggested revision: children's innocent childhood that Why it matters: The possessive identifies whose childhood is affected, and that introduces the defining clause.
- 9. Remove redundant modifiers Original: truly and rightly deserve Suggested revision: deserve Why it matters: Both adverbs repeat the meaning already conveyed by deserve.
- 10. Use simple past Original: did share their own experience Suggested revision: shared their experience Why it matters: The simple past is sufficient because no special emphasis is needed, and own is redundant.
- 11. Integrate parent reference Original: themselves (husband and wife) Suggested revision: themselves as parents Why it matters: The revision incorporates the explanation directly instead of interrupting the sentence with parentheses.
- 12. Use precise adjective Original: unhealthy Suggested revision: inadequate Why it matters: Inadequate more accurately describes deficient parenting than unhealthy.
Suggested Rewrites
- the young and working couples young working couples
- Yet another factor which Another factor that
- played the role of a catalyst acted as a catalyst
- the ‘materialistic need’ of the human people's materialistic desires
- ever-changing pattern of living ever-changing way of life
- Emeralds emeralds
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response sustains a relevant agreement and shows ambitious vocabulary, with a concrete example that reinforces its central concern about reduced parental attention. Its main limitation is that the position emerges explicitly only near the end and much of the discussion relies on rhetorical generalisations rather than precise development; the priority is to state the extent of agreement early and build each reason through clearer cause-and-effect explanation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses the question with a consistent implied agreement and relevant support, although its extent and reasoning are not developed with enough precision.
State the degree of agreement in the introduction and develop two distinct reasons with specific explanation rather than broad moral claims.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a broadly logical path, but uneven paragraph functions and some awkward linking weaken the progression.
Give each body paragraph one clear controlling idea and use cohesive devices only where the relationship between sentences is exact.
Lexical Resource
There is a good range of ambitious vocabulary and imagery, alongside recurring awkward or imprecise collocations that reduce naturalness.
Prefer precise, idiomatic phrasing such as material aspirations and reduced parental attention over ornate expressions whose meaning is less controlled.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of complex structures communicates the message clearly, but recurring article, agreement, punctuation, and double-conjunction errors limit accuracy.
Edit complex sentences for article use and remove paired constructions such as although or even though followed by but.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.