Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
We live in a world that is surrounded by sorrows, suffering, grief and happiness. We often try to make our souls happy through spiritual deeds and materialistic things. Few individuals of a society believe that money is vital in bringing happiness to life; other thinks that money is not associated with monetary funds. I personally believe that not all, but money does play some role in bringing happiness.
One the one hand, people commit their lives in earning a huge sum of money because they consider money and happiness go hand in hand and for them, life without money will be miserable and one cannot enjoy to the fullest extent. For instance, people who find happiness in travelling different places, wearing branded clothes, purchasing expensive and latest gadgets or having expensive dining would not be able to enjoy those without money. Another example is of parents, whose child is severely sick and needs expensive medication or treatment abroad, with wealth, parents can buy happiness for their child. For them, merriment and capital funds are closely related to each other and one cannot image to live without it.
On the other hand, there are several plausible arguments which say that money has not relation with cheeriness. People believe that money cannot remove their sorrows and sufferings. For instance, a mother who has lost her child in war, money is of no value because her grievance and tears cannot be wiped through financial aid and to make her glee. Soothing words and sympathy can calm her down and bring some elation.
To conclude, the above provide solid arguments in favour of both views. I personally believe that money give lots of benefit to people in terms of their status and lifestyle but one should not equate money as the vital factor in bringing happiness.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural description Original: surrounded by sorrows Suggested revision: marked by sorrow Why it matters: A world is more naturally described as marked by sorrow than surrounded by sorrows.
- 2. Use precise noun Original: materialistic things Suggested revision: material possessions Why it matters: Material possessions is the standard term for physical goods associated with wealth.
- 3. Complete contrast clearly Original: that not all, but money does play some role Suggested revision: that money is not everything but does play some role Why it matters: The original contrast contains the incomplete phrase not all and lacks a clear subject complement.
- 4. Correct discourse marker Original: One Suggested revision: On Why it matters: The fixed contrastive expression begins with On, not One.
- 5. Correct verb pattern Original: commit their lives in earning Suggested revision: devote their lives to earning Why it matters: Devote takes to followed by a gerund in this construction.
- 6. Add clause marker Original: consider money and happiness go Suggested revision: consider that money and happiness go Why it matters: That is needed to introduce the finite clause after consider.
- 7. Add missing object Original: one cannot enjoy to the fullest extent Suggested revision: one cannot enjoy life to the fullest extent Why it matters: Enjoy is transitive here and requires the object life.
- 8. Add travel preposition Original: travelling different places Suggested revision: travelling to different places Why it matters: Travel requires to before destinations.
- 9. Order modifiers naturally Original: expensive and latest gadgets Suggested revision: the latest expensive gadgets Why it matters: The definite article and modifier order make the phrase more natural.
- 10. Use natural dining phrase Original: having expensive dining Suggested revision: dining at expensive restaurants Why it matters: Dining at restaurants is the natural way to express this activity.
- 11. Clarify pronoun reference Original: enjoy those without money Suggested revision: enjoy those activities without money Why it matters: Naming the activities makes the reference clear after a mixed list of actions and objects.
- 12. Use relevant terms Original: merriment and capital funds Suggested revision: happiness and financial resources Why it matters: These terms express the intended relationship between emotional wellbeing and money more accurately.
Suggested Rewrites
- surrounded by sorrows marked by sorrow
- materialistic things material possessions
- that not all, but money does play some role that money is not everything but does play some role
- One On
- commit their lives in earning devote their lives to earning
- consider money and happiness go consider that money and happiness go
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear, qualified position that money can enable some forms of happiness but is not the most important factor, and both sides are supported with concrete situations. Its main limitation is that the non-financial argument is narrower and several forced synonyms obscure otherwise relevant ideas. The highest-priority improvement is to develop a broader source of lasting happiness and express it in natural, precise language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay gives a consistent nuanced answer and relevant examples for both perspectives, though the non-material side receives less varied development.
Add a second distinct non-financial source of happiness, such as relationships or purpose, and explain why money cannot replace it.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a clear two-sided structure with effective paragraphing, but some long sentences and loosely joined examples interrupt the flow.
Give each example a separate, complete explanation and use pronouns with unmistakable references to money, people, or happiness.
Lexical Resource
The writer attempts a broad range of vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate or forced choices such as monetary funds, cheeriness, grievance, and glee reduce precision.
Prefer natural terms such as wealth, happiness, grief, comfort, and financial support instead of substituting uncommon near-synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence types conveys the main position, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, prepositions, clause boundaries, and verb patterns affect accuracy.
Break run-on examples into complete sentences and proofread every subject-verb pair, especially other people think and money gives benefits.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.