Many people think that money is important for achieving happiness. What importance does money have regarding happiness?
Sample Response
Money has to be on top of that list among all the vital needs a person requires to survive in this cruel world. Nowadays, leading a happy life and having a stable bank balance more or less mean the same. This essay will cover some of the key areas like management of family expenses and a better standard of living being dependent on the person’s monetary strength. When it comes to managing the expenses of a family, one aspect that adults never fail to overlook is a stable bank balance. Not only it helps their children in their adult life, but also it becomes equally crucial for their early development. Aiding children to develop their minds as well as motor skills, parents prefer sending children to playschools. Such schools which are based in big cities like Bangalore charge even more than the regular schools. While having a stable financial condition is crucial for early development, it becomes equally important for children to get a quality education from the most sophisticated institutes possible. One reason for this can be the role that educational background plays during the recruitment process in any field whether in the corporate world or the public sector. Therefore, having a secure future keeps both the children and their parents relaxed and satisfied in the future. Not only does having strong financial support help in acquiring a good education and thus, a stable life thereafter, but also it helps in having a good standard of living. Earning a moderate salary in these modern times doesn’t guarantee a healthy environment to live in. Nowadays, be it the main city or the countryside, affording spacious accommodation doesn’t come without taking a toll on one’s bank balance. Besides having a safe space to live in, one cannot ignore looking after one’s health which comes at a cost since the recent explosion on social media with regards to fitness. For example, gym memberships, supplements for nutrients absent in regular diets, etc do not come cheap. Therefore, money has become a significant asset to living a happy, healthy and content life these days. Overall, from the point where a person starts living to the point where he ceases to exist, money controls more or less every aspect of life. Therefore, every possible privilege that a person can imagine in today’s world cannot be achieved without a strong monetary state.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove unclear reference Original: on top of that list among all the vital needs Suggested revision: among the most vital needs Why it matters: “That list” has no prior referent and is redundant with “among all the vital needs.”
- 2. Use neutral register Original: cruel Suggested revision: modern Why it matters: The emotive adjective “cruel” is unsupported and less suitable for the analytical point.
- 3. Correct contradictory phrase Original: never fail to overlook Suggested revision: never overlook Why it matters: “Never fail to overlook” means adults always overlook the issue, reversing the intended meaning.
- 4. Use inverted word order Original: Not only it helps Suggested revision: Not only does it help Why it matters: A sentence beginning with “Not only” requires auxiliary-subject inversion.
- 5. Fix correlative structure Original: but also it becomes Suggested revision: but it also becomes Why it matters: Place “also” after the subject to form the coordinated clause correctly.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: the most sophisticated institutes possible Suggested revision: the best institutions possible Why it matters: “Sophisticated institutes” is an unnatural collocation for high-quality educational establishments.
- 7. Set off alternatives Original: in any field whether Suggested revision: in any field, whether Why it matters: A comma should introduce the paired alternatives beginning with “whether.”
- 8. Clarify future reference Original: relaxed and satisfied in the future Suggested revision: reassured about the future Why it matters: This wording expresses the intended emotional response more naturally and avoids repeating “future.”
- 9. Fix coordination pattern Original: but also it helps in having Suggested revision: but it also helps people attain Why it matters: The revised order completes the “not only ... but also” construction and uses a natural verb pattern.
- 10. Tighten the expression Original: a healthy environment to live in Suggested revision: a healthy living environment Why it matters: This concise noun phrase expresses the same idea more naturally.
- 11. Tighten the location phrase Original: Such schools which are based in big cities like Bangalore Suggested revision: Such schools in large cities such as Bangalore Why it matters: This version removes an unnecessary relative clause and uses a more formal example marker.
- 12. Complete the comparison Original: charge even more than the regular schools Suggested revision: charge even more than regular schools do Why it matters: Adding the comparison verb makes clear that the fees charged are being compared.
Suggested Rewrites
- on top of that list among all the vital needs among the most vital needs
- cruel modern
- never fail to overlook never overlook
- Not only it helps Not only does it help
- but also it becomes but it also becomes
- the most sophisticated institutes possible the best institutions possible
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a clear view of money's importance and develops it through education, housing, and health, with a generally logical line of argument. Its main limitation is that some claims are overstated or loosely connected, while the lack of paragraph breaks obscures the otherwise clear structure. The highest priority is to organise the two main reasons into distinct paragraphs and qualify broad assertions with sharper analysis.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The task is directly answered with a clear position and relevant reasons that are developed through explanation and examples.
Qualify absolute claims about money and connect each example more explicitly to happiness rather than material provision alone.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has clear thematic progression and useful linking, but its single unbroken block and some repetitive transitions weaken organisation.
Create focused introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs, with each body paragraph centred on one distinct reason.
Lexical Resource
A varied vocabulary conveys abstract ideas effectively, although several collocations are awkward or imprecise.
Choose more natural expressions for financial security and living standards, and avoid inflated wording where a precise term is clearer.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is attempted successfully, but recurring problems with inversion, clause construction, and punctuation reduce accuracy.
Check complex sentences carefully for correct auxiliary placement, balanced structures, and clearly attached modifying clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people think that money is important for achieving happiness. What importance does money have regarding happiness?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.