Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
Living away from kins is the sole choice of certain people who long for working to make ends meet. This essay argues that the drawbacks are eclipsed by the benefits involved because despite potential emotional breakdown, this practice ensures stable income and developed intellectual faculties.
The idea of looking for employment in an unfamiliar place can be disadvantageous in terms of the mental distress that individuals may suffer. Obviously, tremendous pressure from work and a lack of support from all relatives resulted in the tendency of hiding one's inner feelings, whose long-term effect would do more harm than good to his or her mental health. An extreme example of this is the alarming rate of Japanese young adults committing suicide since they are usually overwhelmed by heavy workloads but have no companion to confide in.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments, I would argue that the benefits of being job-seekers to living far away from their homeland are of greater importance partly because of decent earnings and partly because of chances to grow. With regard to the former, this relocation provides more opportunities for workers to be employed in their favorable fields and suitable positions. Thus, they would probably be offered competitive salaries and good benefits. Concerning the second advantage, changing temporary residence according to workplace offers frequent exposure to local unique culture and customs. There is a high possibility that this practice would likely enhance one's mentality and broaden his or her horizons as well.
To recapitulate, although some people may withstand mental suffering when not living in close proximity to families and friends for the sake of searching for a source of livelihood, this practice provides individuals with wage stability, and ample opportunities to be advanced. Therefore, I hold the belief that the advantages of this development clearly overshadow the drawbacks involved.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural noun Original: kins Suggested revision: family members Why it matters: “Kins” is not the natural plural noun for relatives in this context.
- 2. Improve collocation Original: the sole choice Suggested revision: the only option Why it matters: “The only option” is a more natural collocation for an unavoidable course of action.
- 3. Correct verb pattern Original: long for working Suggested revision: need to work Why it matters: “Long for” takes a noun, whereas the intended necessity is expressed naturally with “need to work.”
- 4. Use precise term Original: breakdown Suggested revision: distress Why it matters: “Emotional distress” matches the later discussion of sustained mental pressure more precisely.
- 5. Fix awkward phrase Original: developed intellectual faculties Suggested revision: intellectual development Why it matters: The original phrase is an unnatural way to express personal intellectual growth.
- 6. Improve word choice Original: favorable Suggested revision: preferred Why it matters: “Preferred fields” more clearly means areas of work that employees want to enter.
- 7. Sharpen collocation Original: good Suggested revision: attractive Why it matters: “Attractive benefits” is a more precise employment collocation than the general phrase “good benefits.”
- 8. Refine quantity phrase Original: more Suggested revision: greater Why it matters: “Greater opportunities” is more idiomatic when describing improved employment prospects.
- 9. Clarify relocation Original: changing temporary residence according to workplace Suggested revision: relocating for work Why it matters: The original phrase is cumbersome and does not express work-related relocation naturally.
- 10. Improve collocation Original: offers Suggested revision: provides Why it matters: “Provides exposure” is the more natural collocation in this sentence.
- 11. Correct modifier order Original: local unique culture and customs Suggested revision: unique local cultures and customs Why it matters: The adjective order is incorrect, and the plural better matches exposure across different places.
- 12. Use natural expression Original: withstand mental suffering Suggested revision: experience mental distress Why it matters: “Experience mental distress” expresses the adverse effect more naturally and precisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- kins family members
- the sole choice the only option
- long for working need to work
- breakdown distress
- developed intellectual faculties intellectual development
- favorable preferred
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a clear comparative position and organizes relevant advantages and a disadvantage into a logical argument. Its main weakness is persistent awkward or imprecise phrasing, with several grammatical constructions sounding unnatural despite remaining understandable; prioritise idiomatic collocations and cleaner sentence structures so that the otherwise solid development is communicated more accurately and convincingly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained, and both the principal disadvantage and two advantages are relevantly explained.
Develop the causal links more critically, especially where relocation is assumed to guarantee better pay or broader personal growth.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically through a clear introduction, contrasting body paragraphs, and a consistent conclusion.
Use less formulaic signposting and make links between claims and supporting details more natural.
Lexical Resource
A broad vocabulary supports the argument, but recurring awkward collocations and imprecise choices reduce naturalness.
Replace expressions such as “developed intellectual faculties” and “enhance one's mentality” with precise, idiomatic alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A useful range of complex structures is attempted, although recurring errors in tense, modification, and sentence construction affect control.
Prioritise accurate clause relationships and review complex sentences for clear subjects, antecedents, and verb forms.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.