These days, more and more people move away from the area where they were born and brought up when they become adults. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
Nowadays, a growing number of individuals choose to relocate from their hometowns once they reach adulthood. This migration trend has both positive and negative implications for individuals and society as a whole. This essay will explore the advantages and disadvantages of this development and opine that the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks.
One significant advantage of people moving away from their place of birth is the opportunity for personal and professional growth. By relocating to new cities or countries, individuals can access better educational institutions, job prospects, and career advancement opportunities. For instance, a young graduate who moves to a major metropolitan area may find more diverse job options and higher earning potential, enhancing their overall quality of life. Furthermore, moving away allows individuals to experience different cultures, traditions, and lifestyles, fostering open-mindedness and adaptability. Exposure to diverse environments can broaden one's perspective and enhance their ability to embrace change.
On the other hand, relocating far from one's hometown can lead to feelings of isolation and homesickness. Being away from family, friends, and familiar surroundings may cause emotional distress and a sense of disconnection. For example, an elderly person who moves to a different country to be with their children may struggle to adapt to the new culture and language, affecting their mental well-being. Moreover, migration can contribute to the depopulation and neglect of rural areas. As young adults leave their hometowns, there may be a decline in economic activities, leading to fewer resources allocated to these regions.
In my opinion, the development is far more beneficial than detrimental. The positive potentials that this migration trend brings are substantial while the negative aspects of it could be addressed effectively to minimise their effects.
In conclusion, the trend of relocating to other places has significant benefits and a few drawbacks. It is expected that with collaborative efforts, the process would be even smoother and the transition made easier to cope with.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Make the comparison precise Original: better educational institutions Suggested revision: higher-quality educational institutions Why it matters: Higher-quality states the intended basis of comparison more precisely.
- 2. Use an idiomatic phrase Original: more diverse job options Suggested revision: a wider range of job options Why it matters: A wider range is the more natural way to express greater variety.
- 3. Use the general form Original: economic activities Suggested revision: economic activity Why it matters: The uncountable form is more natural when referring to a region's economy in general.
- 4. Strengthen the reference Original: the development is far more beneficial Suggested revision: this development is far more beneficial Why it matters: This points back to the specific migration trend more directly.
- 5. Correct the collocation Original: The positive potentials that this migration trend brings Suggested revision: The potential benefits of this migration trend Why it matters: Potential benefits is the natural expression for favourable possible outcomes.
- 6. Punctuate the contrast Original: are substantial while Suggested revision: are substantial, while Why it matters: A comma helps separate the two independent clauses contrasted by while.
- 7. Use a concise reference Original: the negative aspects of it Suggested revision: its negative aspects Why it matters: The possessive form is clearer and less wordy.
- 8. Keep the pronouns consistent Original: one's perspective and enhance their ability Suggested revision: people's perspectives and enhance their ability Why it matters: The revision gives their a clear plural antecedent instead of switching from the generic one.
- 9. Use concise wording Original: people moving away from their place of birth Suggested revision: relocation from one's birthplace Why it matters: The noun phrase conveys the same movement more compactly.
- 10. Improve parallel phrasing Original: job prospects, and career advancement opportunities Suggested revision: employment prospects and opportunities for career advancement Why it matters: The revision makes the two employment benefits parallel and precise.
- 11. Clarify the passive form Original: leading to fewer resources allocated to these regions Suggested revision: resulting in fewer resources being allocated to these regions Why it matters: Being allocated makes the passive relationship explicit and smooth.
- 12. Use consistent modality Original: could be addressed effectively Suggested revision: can be addressed effectively Why it matters: Can matches the writer's present-tense claim that the drawbacks are manageable.
Suggested Rewrites
- better educational institutions higher-quality educational institutions
- more diverse job options a wider range of job options
- economic activities economic activity
- the development is far more beneficial this development is far more beneficial
- The positive potentials that this migration trend brings The potential benefits of this migration trend
- are substantial while are substantial, while
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is especially strong in its clear organisation, fluent progression, and well-controlled complex sentences, and it develops relevant benefits and drawbacks with concrete examples. The principal limitation is that the claim that advantages outweigh disadvantages is asserted more than demonstrated through direct comparison. The most valuable improvement would be to explain why the identified gains are greater in scale or importance than the social and personal costs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses advantages and disadvantages, maintains a clear position, and supports both sides, but the required outweighing judgment is only briefly justified.
Compare the relative significance of the benefits and drawbacks explicitly rather than relying on repeated assertions that the benefits are greater.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are sequenced clearly in focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly without obscuring progression.
Integrate the separate opinion paragraph into the comparative reasoning so the final judgment follows even more directly from the body discussion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and precise across the topic, with only occasional awkward choices such as 'positive potentials.'
Refine the few unnatural collocations and avoid vague terms such as 'process' when a more specific reference is available.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of sentence forms is used flexibly and with a high level of accuracy throughout.
Maintain the same control while tightening the occasional overextended construction in the concluding sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
These days, more and more people move away from the area where they were born and brought up when they become adults. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.