Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
The role that university education plays in a person’s life and in society is often a debated topic. Some argue that the main purpose of university education is to enable graduates to land better jobs, while others contend that university education has a wider array of benefits for both individuals and society. Both sides of this debate will be analysed in this essay before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.
On the one hand, some believe that tertiary education has paramount importance in helping graduates finding rewarding jobs. For example, to practice audit in the UK, a person has got to have a certification awarded by one of the recognised professional bodies such as the ACCA. Without a degree from such an institute, it would be impossible to be employed in the profession of auditing. Thus, it is obvious why this point of view has garnered support.
On the other hand, many opine that university education has a much wider role to play in both the person’s life and in society. For instance, many British universities have included ethics as a compulsory subject in all of their courses. As a result, university graduates are likely to be savvy of their moral responsibilities and thus can discharge them in a better way. Hence, it is clear why many people support this stance.
Although both sides of this argument have indisputable virtues, however, it is felt that higher education plays a much more significant role than merely assisting the graduates in finding better employment. It is hoped that education will continue to refine the characters of both the individuals and the nations in coming decades.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural collocation Original: often a debated topic Suggested revision: often debated Why it matters: This is more concise and natural.
- 2. Formulaic preview Original: Both sides of this debate will be analysed Suggested revision: This essay will discuss both views Why it matters: The original is acceptable but slightly memorised.
- 3. Overstated phrase Original: paramount importance Suggested revision: great importance Why it matters: Paramount can sound exaggerated in this sentence.
- 4. Gerund error Original: in helping graduates finding Suggested revision: in helping graduates find Why it matters: Help is followed by the base verb find.
- 5. Wrong collocation Original: to practice audit Suggested revision: to work in auditing Why it matters: This is the natural phrase for the profession.
- 6. Informal wording Original: a person has got to have Suggested revision: a person must have Why it matters: Must have is more formal and concise.
- 7. Precision Original: Without a degree from such an institute Suggested revision: Without such a qualification Why it matters: The example is about professional certification, not necessarily a university degree.
- 8. Concise phrase Original: profession of auditing Suggested revision: auditing profession Why it matters: This is more concise.
- 9. Over-formal phrase Original: garnered support Suggested revision: gained support Why it matters: Gained support is natural and less inflated.
- 10. Parallel structure Original: in both the person’s life and in society Suggested revision: in both a person's life and society Why it matters: This removes a repeated preposition and improves parallelism.
- 11. Wrong adjective Original: savvy of their moral responsibilities Suggested revision: aware of their moral responsibilities Why it matters: Aware of is the correct phrase here.
- 12. Unnatural phrase Original: discharge them in a better way Suggested revision: fulfil them more effectively Why it matters: Fulfil responsibilities is the natural collocation.
Suggested Rewrites
- often a debated topic often debated
- Both sides of this debate will be analysed This essay will discuss both views
- paramount importance great importance
- in helping graduates finding in helping graduates find
- to practice audit to work in auditing
- a person has got to have a person must have
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses both views and gives a clear opinion that university has wider benefits than employment, with relevant examples about professional qualifications and ethics.
Make the wider social benefits more specific by explaining how ethical education benefits society beyond individual graduates.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organised with clear paragraphing and progression, though some linking is formulaic and the conclusion includes a slightly broad final hope.
Use less memorised linking and make the conclusion restate the comparison more directly.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally appropriate, but a few choices are unnatural or overly formal, such as savvy of, garnered support, and indisputable virtues.
Use precise academic wording such as aware of responsibilities, professional training, social benefits, and employability.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a good range of complex structures, but some errors in gerunds, articles, and redundancy remain.
Check verb forms after in and avoid double connectors such as although and however in the same sentence.