Some people say that music plays an important role in society while others believe that it is simply a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
Music has been a significant part of human culture for centuries, and its role in society continues to be a topic of debate. While some people argue that music is only a source of personal enjoyment, I believe that its societal role extends far beyond mere entertainment.
Proponents of the idea that music is just a form of entertainment argue that its primary function is to provide relaxation and enjoyment. They contend that people listen to music to escape the pressures of daily life, unwind, or celebrate special occasions. From this viewpoint, music is a personal choice, tailored to individual preferences and emotions, without any deep societal impact. For these individuals, music is an enjoyable activity, much like watching movies or playing sports, which adds to the quality of life but remains relatively superficial in its effects on society.
Nevertheless, music serves a much broader purpose in society. Music has historically been a powerful tool for social and political change, often providing a voice to marginalized communities and fostering solidarity during times of struggle. For example, protest songs and political anthems have been integral in movements for civil rights and freedom, uniting people around a common cause. Additionally, music often reflects cultural values and traditions, helping to preserve and promote national identities. In this way, it can shape social norms and create a sense of belonging among diverse groups, making it an essential component of cultural heritage.
In conclusion, although some might consider music as a mere recreational tool, I believe that it plays a significant part in bringing people together, driving social change, and preserving cultural heritage.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Avoid an absolute claim Original: only Suggested revision: primarily Why it matters: Primarily states this perspective more precisely without making an unnecessarily absolute claim.
- 2. Use precise impact wording Original: deep Suggested revision: significant Why it matters: Significant is a more precise academic adjective for the degree of social impact.
- 3. Improve the collocation Original: serves a much broader purpose Suggested revision: plays a much broader role Why it matters: Plays a role is the more natural collocation when describing music's social function.
- 4. Link ideas more smoothly Original: Music has historically been Suggested revision: Historically, music has been Why it matters: Leading with the time reference improves the transition and avoids repeating Music at the start of consecutive sentences.
- 5. Correct the preposition Original: in Suggested revision: to Why it matters: The standard collocation is integral to something.
- 6. Clarify the reference Original: In this way Suggested revision: By reflecting and preserving cultural values Why it matters: The revised linker identifies the preceding idea that leads to the stated social effects.
- 7. Refine the relationship Original: among Suggested revision: within Why it matters: Within more precisely locates the sense of belonging inside each group.
- 8. Remove the extra preposition Original: consider music as Suggested revision: consider music Why it matters: Consider takes an object complement directly in this structure, without as.
- 9. Use the natural collocation Original: part Suggested revision: role Why it matters: Role in is the natural collocation for describing music's contribution.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: For these individuals, music is an enjoyable activity, much like watching movies or playing sports, which adds to the quality of life but remains relatively superficial in its effects on society. Suggested revision: For these individuals, music is an enjoyable activity that adds to quality of life, much like watching movies or playing sports, but its effects on society remain relatively superficial. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the ambiguous relative clause and makes music's individual and social effects easier to distinguish.
- 11. Reduce repeated explanation Suggested revision: Consolidate the repeated points about personal enjoyment so the paragraph progresses more directly to the view that music has limited social effects. Why it matters: Several consecutive sentences restate music's entertainment function before reaching the paragraph's distinguishing point.
Suggested Rewrites
- only primarily
- deep significant
- serves a much broader purpose plays a much broader role
- Music has historically been Historically, music has been
- in to
- In this way By reflecting and preserving cultural values
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its focused, well-developed comparison of personal enjoyment with music’s wider cultural and political influence, supported by relevant examples and precise language. Its main limitation is that the entertainment view is treated somewhat more generally than the societal view. The highest-priority improvement is to add a more specific illustration or deeper explanation for that first perspective while preserving the concise structure.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both views directly, maintains a clear opinion, and develops the societal role of music especially well.
Develop the entertainment perspective with a similarly specific example or a little more analytical depth.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through clearly focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices used naturally and unobtrusively.
Strengthen the balance between the two body paragraphs by giving the first view comparable argumentative weight.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and appropriately academic, with effective phrases for cultural and political ideas.
Refine occasional collocations, such as using “integral to movements” rather than “integral in movements.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, and errors are rare and non-impeding.
Maintain this control while varying sentence openings slightly to make the prose even more stylistically flexible.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that music plays an important role in society while others believe that it is simply a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.