Obesity has become bigger and more global problem. What are the causes of this? and what solution can be taken to tackle these problem?
Sample Response
Being overweight is emerging increasingly severe in numerous nations. Although it threatens the health of people, its devastating consequences can be combated triumphantly. This essay examines some of the troubles caused by obesity and suggests some viable remedies to curb the grave concerns.
To begin with, obesity is due to various reasons. First and foremost is the fewer physical activities done by individuals. This is due to the fact that people do not have enough time to exercise and they have numerous gadgets to complete their work which ultimately leads to a sedentary lifestyle. For example, folks complete their household chores with machines which makes them fat. The second cause is faulty dietary habits which contain fats, sugars and carbohydrates which is the reason for gaining weight.
However, the menace of resolutions can be fought. Active physical activity is the main key to confronting the challenges since it burns calories and reduces the accumulation of fat inside the body. For instance, it is recommended that thirty minutes of exercise daily keeps an individual fit and fiddle. Moreover, a diet containing a sufficient amount of minerals, vitamins and proteins and fewer carbohydrates, fats and oils is also essential.
In conclusion, being overweight is an acute issue because it causes a hazardous impact on people’s health. The best approaches to deal with it are the aforementioned solutions, Even though the problem is unlikely to be entirely eliminated in short term, there should be concrete steps to mitigate the negative effects it is having on the masses.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct verb structure Original: emerging Suggested revision: becoming Why it matters: Use 'becoming' to describe a condition that is growing more serious.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: combated triumphantly Suggested revision: addressed effectively Why it matters: This collocation expresses successful action more naturally in an academic essay.
- 3. Match the stated focus Original: some of the troubles caused by obesity Suggested revision: some of the causes of obesity Why it matters: The body paragraph discusses reasons for obesity rather than problems resulting from it.
- 4. Clarify the object Original: curb the grave concerns Suggested revision: address this serious problem Why it matters: A problem can be addressed, whereas 'curb the concerns' is an unnatural collocation here.
- 5. Use uncountable form Original: the fewer physical activities done by individuals Suggested revision: the lack of physical activity Why it matters: Physical activity is uncountable when referring generally to exercise.
- 6. Use concise wording Original: due to the fact that Suggested revision: because Why it matters: The shorter conjunction conveys the causal relationship directly.
- 7. Choose precise noun Original: numerous gadgets Suggested revision: labor-saving devices Why it matters: This phrase more precisely identifies machines that reduce physical effort.
- 8. Improve word choice Original: complete their work Suggested revision: perform many tasks Why it matters: People perform tasks, while 'complete their work' is too broad for this example.
- 9. Fix clause attachment Original: which ultimately leads Suggested revision: ultimately leading Why it matters: A participial phrase clearly links the result to the preceding situation.
- 10. Use formal register Original: folks Suggested revision: people Why it matters: 'People' is more appropriate than the informal 'folks' in an academic essay.
- 11. Use natural preposition Original: with Suggested revision: using Why it matters: 'Using' clearly expresses the means by which the chores are completed.
- 12. Use precise phrasing Original: which makes them fat Suggested revision: which can contribute to weight gain Why it matters: The revision expresses the proposed effect more accurately and formally.
Suggested Rewrites
- emerging becoming
- combated triumphantly addressed effectively
- some of the troubles caused by obesity some of the causes of obesity
- curb the grave concerns address this serious problem
- the fewer physical activities done by individuals the lack of physical activity
- due to the fact that because
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response is strongest in its clear division between causes and practical solutions, with each body paragraph maintaining a relevant focus. Its main limitation is that the ideas are fairly general and sometimes expressed through inaccurate or strained wording, which weakens precision. The highest priority is to develop each cause-solution link with a more specific explanation or example while using natural collocations and checking sentence boundaries.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both causes and solutions with relevant ideas, though support remains general and occasionally simplistic.
Develop each main point with a precise explanation of how it causes obesity or how the proposed measure would work.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a clear four-paragraph structure and progresses logically, but some linking is mechanical or inaccurate.
Use transitions that express the exact relationship between ideas and ensure each sentence flows naturally from the previous one.
Lexical Resource
There is an adequate range of topic vocabulary, but several collocations are unnatural or imprecise.
Replace strained phrases such as descriptions of the problem and its remedies with simpler, accurate health-related vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses both simple and complex structures, although recurring agreement, article, punctuation, and clause-control errors reduce accuracy.
Proofread sentence boundaries and subject-verb agreement, especially in long sentences containing relative clauses or multiple ideas.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Obesity has become bigger and more global problem. What are the causes of this? and what solution can be taken to tackle these problem?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.