Many old cities around the world are going through a major process of modernization. What are the advantages and disadvantages of modernization?
Sample Response
Nowadays, expansion of urban areas has made tremendous changes in cities. Having better transport systems or modern constructions has led citizens to have a better living condition. However, I believe that these changes have caused people to face two obvious challenges.
On the one hand, advancements occurred in heritage cities have had two important benefits. One is that dwellers have access to better transport facilities. Improving roads or public transportation, they can travel faster from one place to the other place. In particular, in Rome, which is an old capital city in Italy, the extension of rail system has created this city a better place for inhabitants or tourists travelling from other countries because they can reach their destination far simpler than before. Another positive effect is accessing a better housing. Using the state-of-the-art designs in buildings, individuals have a better feeling and higher quality of lifestyle. For example, had not high-rise buildings been developed in Tehran, citizens living there would not have enjoyed the latest technologies of modern systems installed in their inside, including elevators or indoor pools.
On the other hand, the drawbacks of these modifications should not be forgotten, and I believe that the negative consequences have been more pivotal. The first reason behind it is that cultural values of these regions have been forgotten. Obviously, ruining historic places and constructing skyscrapers or other novel modernised constructions can cause people to not remind their ancestors and what their habits were. For instance, in Isfahan, a heritage city in the middle of Iran, growing of shopping malls has led the old buildings to be demolished. These buildings had precious ancient window designs, which were well-known to many Iranians. Furthermore, this transformation has increased the level of pollutants in cities. Admittedly, having a more luxury lifestyle and using more energy, more waste materials are produced by city-dwellers, leading them to live in a lower standard condition. In this case, only in New York, just over 20 thousand New Yorkers die due to toxic air pollutants annually; however, had not this city developed so fast, more people would have been survived.
In conclusion, in our modern era, some historic locations are changed to high-tech cities. From my perspective, the negative effects of these changes can outweigh the benefits because of cultural and environmental concerns.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Article needed Original: expansion of urban areas Suggested revision: the expansion of urban areas Why it matters: A definite article is needed before this noun phrase.
- 2. Plural noun Original: a better living condition Suggested revision: better living conditions Why it matters: Living conditions is normally plural.
- 3. Natural phrase Original: advancements occurred in heritage cities Suggested revision: advancements in heritage cities Why it matters: Occurred is unnecessary and unnatural here.
- 4. Dangling modifier Original: Improving roads or public transportation, they can travel Suggested revision: By improving roads or public transportation, governments can help people travel Why it matters: The original modifier incorrectly attaches to they.
- 5. Concise phrase Original: from one place to the other place Suggested revision: from one place to another Why it matters: This is the standard expression.
- 6. Verb pattern Original: has created this city a better place Suggested revision: has made this city a better place Why it matters: Make, not create, fits this object-complement structure.
- 7. Noun phrase Original: accessing a better housing Suggested revision: access to better housing Why it matters: Use access to plus the uncountable noun housing.
- 8. Awkward phrase Original: technologies of modern systems installed in their inside Suggested revision: modern technologies installed inside them Why it matters: This fixes the noun phrase and pronoun reference.
- 9. Word choice Original: more pivotal Suggested revision: more significant Why it matters: Significant is more natural in this comparison.
- 10. Causation clarity Original: cultural values of these regions have been forgotten Suggested revision: the cultural values of these regions may be forgotten Why it matters: May be is more cautious and accurate.
- 11. Verb choice Original: cause people to not remind their ancestors Suggested revision: prevent people from remembering their ancestors Why it matters: Remind needs an object; remember is the intended verb.
- 12. Gerund phrase Original: growing of shopping malls Suggested revision: the growth of shopping malls Why it matters: Use the noun growth here.
Suggested Rewrites
- expansion of urban areas the expansion of urban areas
- a better living condition better living conditions
- advancements occurred in heritage cities advancements in heritage cities
- Improving roads or public transportation, they can travel By improving roads or public transportation, governments can help people travel
- from one place to the other place from one place to another
- has created this city a better place has made this city a better place
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages of modernising old cities and gives a clear view that disadvantages outweigh benefits. Examples are relevant, although some claims need more careful support.
Develop each advantage and disadvantage with a clearer explanation of how modernisation causes the effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical four-paragraph structure and clear contrast between benefits and drawbacks. Some internal links are awkward, and several sentences are too long.
Use shorter sentences and clearer cause-effect transitions within each body paragraph.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant and varied, including heritage cities, transport facilities, high-rise buildings, cultural values, and pollutants. Some collocations are unnatural or inaccurate.
Use natural phrases such as modernisation in historic cities, improved transport, access to better housing, cultural heritage, and air pollution.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts advanced structures, including conditionals, but errors in articles, verb forms, noun phrases, and passive structures are frequent.
Check article use before singular nouns and simplify conditional sentences that become grammatically strained.