Some people believe that it is a good idea that old people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
It is sometimes asserted that the elderly should remain in the workforce for as long as they can. I mostly agree with this assertion considering the financial and mental benefits despite some health concerns. The foremost rationale for my approval of people delaying their retirement lies in their improved finances. Those who continue working can maintain their income level to an extent by receiving a fixed salary as well as potential bonuses from their employers. In some instances, these earnings allow them to cover daily expenses more comfortably, afford a higher standard of living or accumulate savings for often costly medical bills and the increase cost of living due to inflation. Another reason for why I support old people continuing their job when it is feasible is its positive impact on their mental health. Specifically, work responsibilities offer the working elderly the opportunities to use their cognitive capabilities including observation, evaluation and reasoning. As these workers can keep their mind engaged more regularly, they might hinder the onset of age-related conditions such as dementia for a healthier mental state. However, I acknowledge that there are concerns regarding old employees’ physical health. As people age, many of them experience a number of perennial health issues, ranging from arthritis to heart failure. If these people choose to remain at work, they generally face an increased risk of these conditions deteriorating more rapidly due to work requirements and insufficient time for necessary rest. Consequently, not only does their work productivity suffer, but the overall quality of life may also decline, impacting their comfort and well-being. In conclusion, I am largely in agreement with the idea of the elderly prolonging their career as long as they are able because it provides them with a more stable source of income and chances to stay mentally active even at the expense of possible health complications. That is why people should choose jobs that suit their own physical conditions and manage to strike a balance between work and health to ensure a more fulfilling life.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Clarify the reason link Original: assertion considering Suggested revision: assertion because of Why it matters: 'Because of' makes the relationship between the position and its reasons explicit.
- 2. Use concise wording Original: maintain their income level to an extent Suggested revision: maintain some income Why it matters: The revision expresses the qualified financial benefit more directly.
- 3. Use adjective form Original: increase Suggested revision: increased Why it matters: The noun 'cost' requires the adjective 'increased' here.
- 4. Remove redundant preposition Original: Another reason for why Suggested revision: Another reason why Why it matters: 'Reason why' does not take 'for' in this structure.
- 5. Match plural ownership Original: old people continuing their job Suggested revision: older people continuing their jobs Why it matters: The plural group normally requires plural 'jobs', while 'older people' is the more natural label.
- 6. Fix noun phrase Original: offer the working elderly the opportunities Suggested revision: offer older workers opportunities Why it matters: The revision removes the awkward article and uses a natural noun phrase.
- 7. Use plural noun Original: mind Suggested revision: minds Why it matters: The plural subject 'workers' requires the distributive plural 'minds'.
- 8. Use health collocation Original: perennial Suggested revision: chronic Why it matters: Long-lasting medical conditions are conventionally described as 'chronic'.
- 9. Match plural group Original: career Suggested revision: careers Why it matters: The plural group 'the elderly' refers to multiple individual careers.
- 10. Use direct phrasing Original: The foremost rationale for my approval of Suggested revision: The main reason I support Why it matters: The revision states the writer's support more naturally and concisely.
- 11. Streamline the means Original: by receiving a fixed salary as well as potential bonuses Suggested revision: through a fixed salary and potential bonuses Why it matters: This phrasing expresses the sources of income without an unnecessarily long verb construction.
- 12. Use precise qualification Original: often Suggested revision: potentially Why it matters: 'Potentially' suits a future expense that may vary between individuals.
Suggested Rewrites
- assertion considering assertion because of
- maintain their income level to an extent maintain some income
- increase increased
- Another reason for why Another reason why
- old people continuing their job older people continuing their jobs
- offer the working elderly the opportunities offer older workers opportunities
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response answers the question directly with a consistent, nuanced position and develops financial, cognitive, and physical-health considerations in convincing detail. Vocabulary and sentence structures are varied and generally controlled, though several awkward collocations and agreement errors reduce precision, and the absence of paragraph breaks weakens presentation. The highest priority is to divide the argument into purposeful paragraphs while refining less natural word combinations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout, and the main benefits and health qualification are relevant, extended, and well supported.
Strengthen the evaluation further by explaining more explicitly why the stated benefits outweigh the acknowledged physical risks.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through distinct reasons and a counterpoint, with effective internal linking, but the response is presented as one continuous paragraph.
Separate the introduction, each main idea, and the conclusion into purposeful paragraphs to make the argument's structure immediately visible.
Lexical Resource
A wide range of topic-specific vocabulary conveys precise ideas, although occasional awkward collocations and word-form choices remain noticeable.
Refine combinations such as those concerning living costs, retirement, and mental activity so that sophisticated vocabulary sounds consistently natural.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are used flexibly and mostly accurately, with only occasional agreement, determiner, and singular-plural errors.
Check noun number and agreement in longer sentences, particularly references to costs, opportunities, minds, and careers.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that it is a good idea that old people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.