When people grow older they need company but young people find it least preferable to spend time with old people. This is why many opine that older people should live separately. Should old men live with young people together in a family, or should they live in the clubs/retirement home for old men?
Sample Response
With the development of society, we have stepped into an old-man world. Many countries and governments are much concerned about the situation confronting us, especially how old men can live a happy life. Under this circumstance, many old-man clubs bamboo up with the view to provide elderly a better place to settle down. In my opinion, I think this is a good practice to solve old-man problem. Firstly, many young people are quite busy now. They devote themselves wholly to their work and life so that they cannot spare enough time to stay with their parents. Old-man clubs can offer bounteous food and entertainment facilities to the old people, rendering them a happy life there. In the old-man clubs, they can also make some new companions and friends and establish a good relation with them. Secondly, with the acceleration of people's living tempo, many young people are facing heavy pressure from the society, their work and families. If they live together with their parents, they will shoulder the responsibility to care for them and their pressure will become heavier and heavier. Old-man club relieves the heavy burden of them and makes them concentrate on their work fully. Finally, old-man club can also give careful medical to the old people. If old men live with their family, they are not ensured to be sent to the hospital immediately after they get ill. In the old-man clubs, they can get good medical care and recover soon. However, everything has double folds. Sometimes, old people feel very lonely because they often think of their daughters, sons and grandchildren. They prefer family atmosphere. To sum up, I think the appearance of old-man clubs is a good thing for old people. It provides the old people with a better environment. But old-man clubs are not a paradise definitely, which is a compromise to family intimation.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use ageing-society term Original: an old-man world Suggested revision: an ageing society Why it matters: “Ageing society” is the established and respectful term for a population with more older people.
- 2. Fix degree adverb Original: are much concerned Suggested revision: are very concerned Why it matters: “Very” is the appropriate degree adverb before the adjective “concerned”.
- 3. Use inclusive wording Original: how old men can live a happy life Suggested revision: how older people can live happy lives Why it matters: The revision includes all older people and matches the plural subject with “lives”.
- 4. Use plural circumstances Original: Under this circumstance Suggested revision: In these circumstances Why it matters: The fixed phrase for a general situation is “in these circumstances”.
- 5. Correct facility phrase Original: many old-man clubs bamboo up Suggested revision: many retirement homes are springing up Why it matters: “Bamboo up” is not an English phrasal verb, and “retirement homes” is the natural facility term.
- 6. Fix purpose structure Original: with the view to provide Suggested revision: with a view to providing Why it matters: The fixed phrase is “with a view to” followed by a gerund.
- 7. Remove redundant stance Original: In my opinion, I think Suggested revision: In my opinion, Why it matters: Both expressions introduce the same personal view, so one is sufficient.
- 8. Clarify proposed solution Original: a good practice to solve old-man problem Suggested revision: a good way to address the challenges facing older people Why it matters: The revision replaces an unnatural and reductive phrase with precise wording.
- 9. Clarify time pressure Original: devote themselves wholly to their work and life Suggested revision: devote so much time to work and personal responsibilities Why it matters: The original phrase does not state the competing demands naturally.
- 10. Use spend-time collocation Original: time to stay with their parents Suggested revision: time to spend with their parents Why it matters: People “spend time with” family members rather than “stay with” them in this meaning.
- 11. Use natural food phrase Original: bounteous food Suggested revision: plentiful food Why it matters: “Bounteous” is unnatural for describing the food supplied by a care facility.
- 12. Remove overlapping nouns Original: companions and friends Suggested revision: friends Why it matters: The two nouns overlap in meaning here, so one is sufficient.
Suggested Rewrites
- an old-man world an ageing society
- are much concerned are very concerned
- how old men can live a happy life how older people can live happy lives
- Under this circumstance In these circumstances
- many old-man clubs bamboo up many retirement homes are springing up
- with the view to provide with a view to providing
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response clearly favours retirement homes and develops several relevant benefits, including companionship, reduced pressure on younger relatives, and access to medical care, while acknowledging loneliness as a drawback. Its main weaknesses are the single-paragraph structure and frequent unnatural or inaccurate expressions that weaken precision. Prioritise dividing the reasons into focused paragraphs and comparing professional care with the emotional support available in a family home using clear, conventional vocabulary.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear choice is maintained and supported by several relevant reasons, though development is somewhat general and the family-home alternative receives limited evaluation.
Compare the medical and social benefits of retirement homes directly with the emotional and practical benefits of living with family.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows an understandable sequence of reasons and a concession, but the single long paragraph and mechanical signposting limit overall organisation.
Use separate paragraphs for time pressures, social and medical care, the loneliness drawback, and the final judgement.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a reasonable range of vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and forced expressions sometimes obscure the intended meaning.
Use natural terms such as ageing population, retirement home, residential care, companionship, medical attention, family intimacy, and ease the burden.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of sentence forms communicates the main ideas, but article, agreement, plural, pronoun, and clause-construction errors recur throughout.
Proofread each sentence for a clear subject and correctly formed verb, then check articles before singular countable nouns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
When people grow older they need company but young people find it least preferable to spend time with old people. This is why many opine that older people should live separately. Should old men live with young people together in a family, or should they live in the clubs/retirement home for old men?
Your response
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