Some individuals say children should have to play outdoor games instead of playing computer games at home. Do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
It is argued that juveniles must play outdoor games instead of playing them on electronic gadgets. I agree with the statement that immature must play outdoor games for holistic development as well as getting rid of a sedentary lifestyle.
First and foremost, children must play games outside their home because they will have more physical activities; resultantly, they will remain hale and hearty. In fact, to make them physically fit, is not the real aim to allow them to play outdoor games but they will be mentally, socially and emotionally strong. For instance, games such as hide and seek, racing, riding a cycle make young minds more creative and physically fit. It has been compared with the past life of children that they used to play more outside their homes and more agile and had a balanced personality in compared to the modern generation.
Moreover, playing outside help them in getting rid of a sedentary lifestyle as modern children play more on electronic media and they are getting a victim of many elements such as obesity, cardiovascular disease, hypertension and to name but a few. If they are allowed to play more those activities in which their whole body organs function well, then they would not have such problems and they can lead a blissful life. They will be more active and alert. Besides, their energy can be channelized in constructive work as one can see many pieces of evidence that more and more children are prone to stress and illegal activities when they utilise maximum time on computers. Thus there are more chances of making them mentally sick. So they must play outdoor games instead of playing on computers and laptops.
In conclusion, playing outdoor games are beneficial for the children for their good upbringing as they will stay robust and have more creativity in their work and they can lead a stress-free life, which they can’t avoid while playing on multimedia sources.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural noun Original: juveniles Suggested revision: children Why it matters: Children is the direct and natural term in this context.
- 2. Use a plural noun Original: immature Suggested revision: children Why it matters: Immature is an adjective and cannot serve as the plural subject here.
- 3. Restore parallel structure Original: as well as getting rid of Suggested revision: and to avoid Why it matters: This revision makes the two purposes grammatically parallel.
- 4. Match plural ownership Original: home Suggested revision: homes Why it matters: The plural subject children normally requires the plural possessive reference homes.
- 5. Use uncountable activity Original: activities Suggested revision: activity Why it matters: Physical activity is uncountable when referring generally to exercise.
- 6. Use natural connector Original: resultantly Suggested revision: as a result Why it matters: As a result expresses this consequence more naturally.
- 7. Use precise wording Original: hale and hearty Suggested revision: healthy Why it matters: Healthy is more direct and appropriate for an academic essay.
- 8. Complete the list Original: racing, riding a cycle Suggested revision: racing, and cycling Why it matters: The final item needs a conjunction and a parallel gerund form.
- 9. Fix subject agreement Original: help Suggested revision: helps Why it matters: The gerund phrase is singular and therefore takes helps.
- 10. Use natural collocation Original: play more on electronic media Suggested revision: spend more time using electronic media Why it matters: People use electronic media or spend time on it rather than play on it.
- 11. Fix victim collocation Original: getting a victim Suggested revision: becoming victims Why it matters: The standard expression is become victims of something.
- 12. Name the category Original: many elements Suggested revision: many health conditions Why it matters: Conditions accurately describes the illnesses listed afterward.
Suggested Rewrites
- juveniles children
- immature children
- as well as getting rid of and to avoid
- home homes
- activities activity
- resultantly as a result
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear agreement throughout and offers relevant reasons concerning physical health, wider development, and reduced screen-based inactivity. Its main limitation is that several points are expressed through awkward or imprecise language, while some supporting claims remain general or loosely connected. The highest priority is to develop each central reason through a precise explanation and a specific, credible example, using simpler sentence structures to keep the argument clear.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and supported with relevant reasons, although development is sometimes general or repetitive.
Develop each main benefit through a clear cause-and-effect explanation and one specific, credible example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a logical paragraph structure and broadly clear progression, but some links within sentences are strained or repetitive.
Use clearer topic sentences and connect each supporting point directly to the paragraph's central idea.
Lexical Resource
There is a useful range of topic vocabulary, but several choices are unnatural or inaccurate and occasionally obscure the intended meaning.
Prioritize precise, natural collocations such as children, become vulnerable to, and screen-based activities over forced synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex forms is attempted, but recurring agreement, article, comparison, and sentence-structure errors reduce control.
Edit each sentence for a complete clause structure and consistent subject-verb agreement before adding complexity.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some individuals say children should have to play outdoor games instead of playing computer games at home. Do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.