Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child’s success in school.
Sample Response
Some people think that school friends give more influence to a child’s success than parents. Although the existence of friends has some positive effect, I personally believe that parents give more significant effect to the child’s success. It is undeniable that classmates play a significant role in a child success, as friends could help each other. One of the examples is when a child does not understand a lesson, he could ask a help from his friends. And then, when a child joins a sports competition, his friends might support him and give him encouragement. Despite all the positive sides, they could also bring negatives things as well. For instance, one of the classmates might be addicted to drugs, and he could influence the others to use it. Many people believe that parents have more significant contributions to a child’s academic study than classmates. Even though they might not be giving technical advice to the child, but they give moral support. For example, a child might have some difficulties with his exam and has to study until late at night, his parents might give some motivational words that inspire him, and also stay awake to accompany the child. And then, parents will also provide all funds needed for the improvement of the child’s academic study. For instance, a child might have some problems with mathematics, and the parents might hire a private tutor for their child. In conclusion, I do agree that school friends have some positive effect on a child’s academic performance, but I do not agree if people think that classmates give more important influence than parents. I believe that parents play more vital roles in a child’s success, as they give moral and financial support.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use correct collocation Original: give more influence to Suggested revision: have a greater influence on Why it matters: Influence takes have and the preposition on in this construction.
- 2. Use precise noun Original: the existence of friends Suggested revision: friendships Why it matters: Friendships expresses the intended supportive relationships more naturally.
- 3. Use singular article Original: has some positive effect Suggested revision: has a positive effect Why it matters: A singular count noun requires an article here.
- 4. Correct effect phrase Original: give more significant effect to Suggested revision: have a more significant effect on Why it matters: The noun effect collocates with have and the preposition on.
- 5. Add possessive form Original: a child success Suggested revision: a child's success Why it matters: The possessive form is required to show that the success belongs to the child.
- 6. Correct help phrase Original: ask a help from Suggested revision: ask for help from Why it matters: Help is uncountable here, and ask requires for before the requested thing.
- 7. Improve example transition Original: And then, when a child joins a sports competition Suggested revision: When a child takes part in a sports competition Why it matters: Removing the conversational linker makes the example flow more formally.
- 8. Use concise verb Original: give him encouragement Suggested revision: encourage him Why it matters: The verb states the same idea more directly.
- 9. Use formal noun Original: positive sides Suggested revision: positive aspects Why it matters: Aspects is more precise and appropriately formal in this context.
- 10. Correct adjective form Original: negatives things Suggested revision: negative things Why it matters: Negative must remain singular as an adjective modifying things.
- 11. Use correct verb Original: have more significant contributions to Suggested revision: make more significant contributions to Why it matters: The noun contributions collocates with make rather than have.
- 12. Clarify comparison target Original: a child’s academic study than classmates Suggested revision: a child’s academic success than classmates Why it matters: Academic success matches the essay's comparison more precisely than study.
Suggested Rewrites
- give more influence to have a greater influence on
- the existence of friends friendships
- has some positive effect has a positive effect
- give more significant effect to have a more significant effect on
- a child success a child's success
- ask a help from ask for help from
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear position and supports it with relevant contrasts between classmates' influence and parents' moral and financial help. The main limitation is that some supporting points are only partly tied to success in school, while the single-paragraph structure and recurring language errors reduce polish. The highest priority is to organise the two sides into separate paragraphs and develop each example's direct effect on academic achievement.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear and consistent position is developed with relevant support for both classmates and parents, though a few examples are only indirectly connected to school success.
Explain how every example changes academic performance, especially the sports and drug-related points about classmates.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a logical sequence and uses clear referencing, but the lack of paragraphing and repeated mechanical links such as And then limit cohesion.
Use separate paragraphs for classmates and parents, with subtler transitions that show contrast and addition.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficient for the topic and conveys the argument clearly, but recurring collocation and word-form errors reduce precision.
Replace combinations such as give more influence, ask a help, and negatives things with natural academic phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex forms are mixed with generally clear meaning, although article, agreement, clause-linking, and comma-splice errors recur.
Avoid pairing Even though with but, and divide long comma-linked clauses into accurately punctuated sentences.
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