People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
It has been argued that people today should care for their own personal health purely to enjoy the personal benefits that are gained from having good health, rather than as a duty to others in their society. Personally I believe that people should take good care of their health not only to reap the associated benefits, but also as a way of helping to uplift the lives of the citizens within their own cities and countries.
Many people claim that the secret to a happy life is through achieving and maintaining good health, and I also stand by this notion. When someone experiences good physical and mental health they are able to enjoy their life to the fullest. Good health allows people to pursue their hopes and dreams and enjoy human relationships with family and friends. Without good mental and physical health, these ideals are difficult to attain.
In addition to this, today, people are suffering from mental and physical sickness and diseases more so than ever before. This, in turn, causes a heavy load on a country’s healthcare industry and causes large financial burdens to the country’s national budget, which comes at the cost of the tax paying citizens. If people were to look after their health better, it would reduce such financial burdens and the money could then be spent on other services that would benefit the quality of life for the society as a whole.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that all people should strive to achieve and maintain the highest levels of health possible not only so that they can be happy and enjoy their own life, but also so that they can contribute towards a more happy and healthy society around them.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundancy Original: own personal health Suggested revision: health Why it matters: The words 'own' and 'personal' unnecessarily repeat the idea already conveyed by 'health'.
- 2. Use concise phrasing Original: personal benefits that are gained from having good health Suggested revision: benefits of good health Why it matters: This shorter phrase expresses the same idea more directly.
- 3. Add introductory comma Original: Personally I believe Suggested revision: Personally, I believe Why it matters: A comma should follow the introductory adverb.
- 4. Use natural collocation Original: uplift Suggested revision: improve Why it matters: 'Improve the lives' is a more natural collocation in this context.
- 5. Correct the construction Original: secret to a happy life is through achieving Suggested revision: secret to a happy life lies in achieving Why it matters: The revised construction correctly links the secret with the means of attaining it.
- 6. Separate the clauses Original: mental health they Suggested revision: mental health, they Why it matters: A comma is required after the introductory subordinate clause.
- 7. Choose natural wording Original: human Suggested revision: meaningful Why it matters: 'Meaningful relationships' conveys the intended benefit more naturally.
- 8. Simplify the transition Original: In addition to this, today, Suggested revision: Today, Why it matters: Using both transition phrases makes the opening unnecessarily cumbersome.
- 9. Avoid faulty coordination Original: mental and physical sickness and diseases Suggested revision: mental and physical illnesses Why it matters: The original coordination is redundant and combines count and non-count terms awkwardly.
- 10. Use precise collocation Original: causes a heavy load on Suggested revision: places a heavy burden on Why it matters: A healthcare system carries a burden rather than a load in formal writing.
- 11. Correct verb and preposition Original: causes large financial burdens to Suggested revision: imposes large financial burdens on Why it matters: The verb 'impose' takes the preposition 'on' when identifying who bears a burden.
- 12. Use concise comparison Original: more so than ever before Suggested revision: more than ever before Why it matters: The word 'so' is unnecessary in this comparison.
Suggested Rewrites
- own personal health health
- personal benefits that are gained from having good health benefits of good health
- Personally I believe Personally, I believe
- uplift improve
- secret to a happy life is through achieving secret to a happy life lies in achieving
- mental health they mental health, they
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response presents a clear, consistent position and develops two relevant strands: personal well-being and reduced pressure on public healthcare. Its main limitation is that the personal-benefit argument remains fairly general and some phrasing is repetitive or awkward. The strongest improvement would be to deepen each point with a more specific causal example while tightening collocations and avoiding repeated references to health, happiness, and society.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and both personal and societal benefits are relevantly developed, though the first strand remains somewhat general.
Support the personal-benefit argument with a specific example that shows how better health changes an individual's opportunities or daily life.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, two focused body paragraphs, and a conclusion, with cohesion handled smoothly.
Make the link between the two body arguments even sharper by explicitly framing them as individual and collective consequences.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and appropriate overall, but repetition and awkward combinations such as references to sickness and financial burdens reduce precision.
Use more precise collocations and replace repeated words such as health, people, and happy with contextually accurate alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentences is used with strong control, while minor punctuation, comparison, and reference issues remain.
Proofread for small form and reference problems, especially comparative forms, introductory commas, and pronoun antecedents in conditional sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.