More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Today, one of the most common occurrences in the digital world is the availability of personal information online, with people providing their details for daily activities such as social networking or banking. Despite some positivity associated with it, I believe this development is largely negative.
The increased presence of personal information online has produced some benefits. Thanks to this development, it has become easier for people to connect with each other, or in some cases, reconnect. An adult, for example, can find somebody he went to high school with by searching for their name on a popular social media platform. Then, they can catch up with one another and stay in touch after a long period of no contact. Meanwhile, in certain services, it is possible to provide higher degrees of convenience by having much personal information available online. When users have verified their own accounts using private details, banks and e-commerce sites can quickly facilitate transactions, enhancing customer satisfaction and generating profit faster. Indeed, the advantages to having personal information present digitally should not be disputed.
However, the negative implications associated with this tendency are potentially severe. For one, it puts people at risk of having their information abused. This can lead to a sense of insecurity, as there have been individual cases of private details being leaked to malicious parties, who proceed to use the victim’s identity for fraudulent schemes. Another privacy-related concern has to do with the vague possibility of withdrawing personal details from online platforms. Once private information is submitted, there is little guarantee aside from the holder’s word that it can be wiped from the digital world should the user request it. As a consequence, people’s digital presence may end up inseparable from their real lives, providing a way to track their activities and erode their privacy.
Given these points, I believe that many people putting up their private details online is detrimental. It is therefore necessary to be cognizant of the risks associated with this decision, and even more so to take steps to protect oneself.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a clearer noun Original: occurrences Suggested revision: developments Why it matters: “Developments” more naturally describes a broad change in online behaviour.
- 2. Use precise wording Original: positivity Suggested revision: benefits Why it matters: “Benefits” expresses the intended positive consequences more directly.
- 3. Keep pronouns consistent Original: somebody he went to high school with by searching for their name Suggested revision: someone they went to high school with by searching for that person’s name Why it matters: The revision avoids shifting from “he” to singular “their” within the same reference chain.
- 4. Improve the collocation Original: higher degrees of convenience Suggested revision: greater convenience Why it matters: “Greater convenience” is the more natural collocation in this context.
- 5. Clarify the agent Original: by having much personal information available online Suggested revision: by making personal information available online Why it matters: The active gerund makes the means of providing convenience clearer.
- 6. Refine the phrasing Original: generating profit faster Suggested revision: increasing profits more quickly Why it matters: This wording uses a more natural verb–noun combination for business gains.
- 7. Correct the preposition Original: advantages to having personal information present digitally Suggested revision: advantages of having personal information available online Why it matters: The noun “advantages” normally takes “of” before a gerund in this construction.
- 8. Clarify the construction Original: individual cases of private details being leaked Suggested revision: cases in which private details have been leaked Why it matters: The relative clause expresses the reported incidents more clearly and naturally.
- 9. Use the right preposition Original: for Suggested revision: in Why it matters: “Use an identity in a scheme” is the natural prepositional pattern here.
- 10. Express the concern clearly Original: vague possibility of withdrawing Suggested revision: uncertain ability to remove Why it matters: The concern is about whether removal is possible, so “ability” conveys the intended meaning more accurately.
- 11. Name the party clearly Original: aside from the holder’s word Suggested revision: beyond the platform provider’s assurance Why it matters: This wording identifies whose promise the user must rely on.
- 12. Fix the subject phrase Original: many people putting up their private details online Suggested revision: the widespread posting of private details online Why it matters: The revised singular noun phrase agrees clearly with “is detrimental.”
Suggested Rewrites
- occurrences developments
- positivity benefits
- somebody he went to high school with by searching for their name someone they went to high school with by searching for that person’s name
- higher degrees of convenience greater convenience
- by having much personal information available online by making personal information available online
- generating profit faster increasing profits more quickly
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response gives a clear, consistently maintained position and develops both the practical benefits and the more serious privacy risks with persuasive explanation. Its main limitation is occasional imprecision or awkwardness in otherwise sophisticated wording, which slightly weakens the polished effect. The highest-priority improvement is to replace strained collocations with simpler, more exact phrasing while retaining the strong analysis and progression.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The question is fully addressed through a clear negative judgment supported by well-developed discussion of benefits and substantial risks.
Make the final recommendation more specific by briefly identifying the most effective protective action.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices and referencing used naturally throughout.
Reduce the few explicit signposting statements so that the reasoning itself carries the transitions.
Lexical Resource
A wide and topic-appropriate vocabulary conveys nuanced ideas, although a few collocations are strained or imprecise.
Replace phrases such as higher degrees of convenience and vague possibility with more natural, exact alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are varied and controlled, with only rare non-impeding agreement or phrasing lapses.
Check agreement in long noun phrases, particularly constructions such as many people putting up details is detrimental.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.