Some believe that people are fully responsible for their happiness and they can be happy if they want. Others, however, feel that happiness depends on other factors in their life than just their wishes. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
The question of whether individuals are solely responsible for their happiness or if external factors play a significant role has ignited intense debates. This essay will shed some light on both perspectives. In my perspective, while personal mindset and choices contribute to happiness to a great extent, the influence of external circumstances cannot be disregarded.
On the one hand, proponents of the viewpoint that individuals are entirely accountable for their happiness and can be happy if they want to emphasize the power of positive thinking and self-determination. They argue that a person's mindset and attitude towards life can shape their experiences and emotions. By adopting an optimistic outlook and cultivating inner contentment, individuals can indeed enhance their sense of happiness. For instance, numerous self-help books and motivational speakers advocate the idea that individuals can control their thoughts and reactions to external events, thereby shaping their emotional well-being.
On the other hand, according to many others, it is unrealistic to overlook the impact of external factors on one's happiness. Socioeconomic conditions, health, relationships, and life events significantly shape an individual's emotional state. People facing financial hardships, health challenges, or personal losses may find it challenging to maintain a consistent level of happiness, regardless of their mindset. For instance, someone experiencing prolonged unemployment or dealing with a serious illness may struggle to find happiness solely through their personal perspective.
In conclusion, the relationship between individual responsibility and external factors in achieving happiness is complex. While personal mindset and choices undoubtedly play a big role, the significance of external circumstances cannot be underestimated. Fostering a positive mindset and acknowledging the influence of external realities is essential for a comprehensive understanding of human well-being.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Parallel clause form Original: or if external factors Suggested revision: or whether external factors Why it matters: Use 'whether' to make the two alternatives grammatically parallel.
- 2. Correct preposition Original: In my perspective Suggested revision: From my perspective Why it matters: The fixed expression is 'from my perspective'.
- 3. Natural academic collocation Original: has ignited intense debates Suggested revision: has prompted considerable debate Why it matters: This collocation is more natural and suitably measured for an academic introduction.
- 4. Use concise verb Original: will shed some light on Suggested revision: will examine Why it matters: A precise verb conveys the same meaning more concisely.
- 5. Tighten degree phrase Original: to a great extent Suggested revision: substantially Why it matters: The adverb expresses the same degree more economically.
- 6. Reduce wordiness Original: the viewpoint that Suggested revision: the view that Why it matters: The shorter phrase is clearer without changing the claim.
- 7. Match task wording Original: entirely accountable for Suggested revision: fully responsible for Why it matters: 'Responsible for' is the more direct collocation in this context.
- 8. Add countable noun Original: cultivating inner contentment Suggested revision: cultivating a sense of inner contentment Why it matters: Adding 'a sense of' makes the noun phrase more natural here.
- 9. Avoid repeated happiness Original: can indeed enhance their sense of happiness Suggested revision: can enhance their well-being Why it matters: This revision avoids repetition while preserving the intended meaning.
- 10. Use direct reporting verb Original: advocate the idea that Suggested revision: argue that Why it matters: The direct reporting verb is more concise and natural.
- 11. Clarify paragraph progression Suggested revision: Arrange the existing material as the central claim, an explanation of how mindset affects emotion, and then the self-help example. Why it matters: A consistent claim-to-explanation-to-example sequence would make the progression easier to follow.
- 12. Link example explicitly Suggested revision: Use a brief cohesive link to show that the self-help example illustrates the preceding point about controlling reactions. Why it matters: The example currently follows the claim but its illustrative role could be signalled more clearly.
Suggested Rewrites
- or if external factors or whether external factors
- In my perspective From my perspective
- has ignited intense debates has prompted considerable debate
- will shed some light on will examine
- to a great extent substantially
- the viewpoint that the view that
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, nuanced position and develops both views with relevant explanations and examples, while maintaining a strong logical progression throughout. Its main limitation is that some support remains fairly general and a few phrases are awkward or imprecise; the highest-priority improvement is to use more specific evidence and refine collocations so the argument sounds consistently natural and authoritative.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both views are fully addressed, and the writer's balanced opinion is clear and consistently supported.
Develop one example with more concrete detail to make the otherwise strong argument more incisive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices used clearly and unobtrusively.
Vary the framing of the two opposing perspectives to make the progression feel even less formulaic.
Lexical Resource
A broad and generally precise vocabulary conveys abstract ideas effectively, despite a few awkward collocations.
Replace expressions such as 'in my perspective' with more natural academic phrasing and reduce repeated uses of 'happiness'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used with strong control, although occasional awkward constructions reduce precision.
Proofread long sentences for attachment and clause-boundary problems so every relationship is immediately clear.