Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies.
Sample Response
In modern society, violence in schools is rising and playground bullying seems to be increasing. The issue is whether or not parents should deal with this problem by teaching their children to fight back. The arguments on both sides of this debate need to be examined carefully. Many people believe that violence only breeds further violence. Evidence for this is found in research which shows that children who grow up in violent families often grow up to be violent themselves. Furthermore, some children may enjoy the power associated with violence and develop into bullies. However, there are examples of bullying being stopped as a result of victims hitting back. This shows that there are occasions when violence may help to end bullying. However, looking at the issue in the long term, there is a strong case for supporting parents who promote anti-violent behaviour. If children can learn that there are other ways of solving disagreement, then it is possible that when those children become adults they will behave similarly and try to resolve conflict through discussion and compromise rather than by force. In my view this is a powerful argument for encouraging a non-violent approach to school bullies. Another aspect of this issue is the fact that bullying occurs in school time when parents are not present. Hence, it could be argued that it is better for schools to deal with this problem by promoting anti-bullying policies and offering support to victims. Although this makes practical sense, it ignores the fundamental effect that parents can have on their children. In conclusion, despite there being circumstances when a violent response to bullying may be justified, it is my belief that teaching non-violent strategies is more productive in the long term. Also, although schools have a role to play, it is the parents who can have the most significant effect.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise wording Original: whether or not Suggested revision: whether Why it matters: The shorter form expresses the same alternative more directly.
- 2. Reduce wordiness Original: Evidence for this is found in research which shows that Suggested revision: Research shows that Why it matters: This direct reporting phrase removes unnecessary wording without changing the claim.
- 3. Simplify the phrase Original: bullying being stopped as a result of Suggested revision: bullying ending when Why it matters: The revision conveys the causal relationship more naturally and concisely.
- 4. Use natural collocation Original: anti Suggested revision: non Why it matters: Non-violent is the more natural adjective for behaviour that avoids violence.
- 5. Tighten the transition Original: Another aspect of this issue is the fact that Suggested revision: Another consideration is that Why it matters: This transition introduces the next point with less formulaic wording.
- 6. Use natural phrasing Original: in school time Suggested revision: during school hours Why it matters: During school hours is the standard expression for this time period.
- 7. Simplify the clause Original: despite there being circumstances when Suggested revision: although there are circumstances in which Why it matters: The finite clause is clearer and uses the more precise relative form for circumstances.
- 8. Remove the article Original: the parents who Suggested revision: parents who Why it matters: Parents is used generically here, so the definite article is unnecessary.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: In modern society, violence in schools is rising and playground bullying seems to be increasing. Suggested revision: In modern society, violence in schools, particularly playground bullying, appears to be increasing. Why it matters: The rewrite removes repetition and clarifies the relationship between school violence and playground bullying.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: If children can learn that there are other ways of solving disagreement, then it is possible that when those children become adults they will behave similarly and try to resolve conflict through discussion and compromise rather than by force. Suggested revision: If children learn to resolve disagreements without violence, they may carry this approach into adulthood and use discussion and compromise rather than force. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the unclear reference in similarly and presents the progression more directly.
Suggested Rewrites
- whether or not whether
- Evidence for this is found in research which shows that Research shows that
- bullying being stopped as a result of bullying ending when
- anti non
- Another aspect of this issue is the fact that Another consideration is that
- in school time during school hours
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, well-supported preference for non-violent strategies and thoughtfully considers both the possible value of retaliation and the roles of parents and schools. Its main weakness is presentation: the argument is delivered as one continuous paragraph and relies somewhat heavily on repeated contrast markers. The highest priority is to divide the reasoning into purposeful paragraphs and vary the links between ideas.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly addresses the issue, maintains a clear position, and develops relevant arguments about retaliation, parental influence, and school responsibility.
Strengthen the support further by replacing the general reference to research with a more concrete explanation or illustration.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically and relationships between ideas are consistently clear, although the absence of paragraph breaks and repeated use of contrast markers reduce structural control.
Group each main line of argument into a distinct paragraph and use a wider range of natural transitions.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is flexible, precise, and appropriately formal, with effective choices such as anti-violent behaviour, compromise, and fundamental effect.
Refine a few slightly awkward combinations, such as solving disagreement, and avoid repeating the same violence-related wording where a precise alternative fits.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, and the few minor imperfections do not impede meaning.
Polish small article and number choices, such as using disagreements when referring to conflict in general.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.