In some countries, young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard for their study. What do you think the causes and what solutions can you suggest?
Sample Response
In recent years, youngsters live a sedentary lifestyle due to their lack of time to relax even to play around with their peers. Moreover, the school duties sometimes bring them in full of pressure. I strongly believe that this case is caused by the parental pressure and university competition. Therefore, this essay will look into the causes provided by some solutions.
Parents sometimes bring pressure toward the children’s life since parents demand the children to pursue a higher future career. They tend to encourage children to spend their time for study, even they are not afraid to spend money for children education. For instance, parents will put the children into several courses which are relevant to their study. They believe that bringing children to the course will pose a help to master their studies at school. Therefore, there is no spare time for young people to enjoy their life. On the one hand, university competition force students to study much harder since university just recruits or accepts students who have higher grades. Entering university level will create a high competition among others nationally even internationally. Moreover, the university has a high standard as a requirement. Consequently, to gain the standard, young people should make good preparation. Therefore, it sometimes makes young people under-pressure even depression. They will try to do something that enables them to gain their goals such as study a lot.
As the result, the best solution to cope with these problems is the awareness of parents. Parents should realise that their actions can cause anxiety and stress among the children. Therefore, bring back the role of parents is essential in this case. They should understand the children’s condition thus children can use their spare time to stress-relief such as go on vacation or hang out with their peers. Additionally, affirmative action is needed to overtake the university case. The government should expand the number of universities, thus it can reduce the competition level and young people would then have a variety of choices. As the result, youngsters would be able to spend their teenage time with joy and happiness. To sum up, the understanding between parents and children will bring a beautiful harmony and followed by a support from the government. Therefore, it is easy for youngsters to suffer from this problem.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural collocation Original: bring them in full of pressure Suggested revision: place them under considerable pressure Why it matters: This is the standard expression.
- 2. Article use Original: the parental pressure Suggested revision: parental pressure Why it matters: The abstract noun is used generally.
- 3. Wrong relationship Original: causes provided by some solutions Suggested revision: causes and propose some solutions Why it matters: Solutions do not provide causes.
- 4. Possessive form Original: for children education Suggested revision: for their children's education Why it matters: A possessive noun phrase is required.
- 5. Agreement Original: university competition force Suggested revision: competition for university places forces Why it matters: The singular subject takes forces.
- 6. Clear outcome Original: under-pressure even depression Suggested revision: under severe pressure and may even cause depression Why it matters: The original phrase lacks a grammatical relationship.
- 7. Parallel form Original: stress-relief such as go Suggested revision: relieve stress by going Why it matters: Use a gerund after by.
- 8. Contradictory ending Original: it is easy for youngsters to suffer from this problem Suggested revision: youngsters will be less likely to suffer from excessive pressure Why it matters: The original reverses the essay's intended conclusion.
- 9. Ongoing trend Original: youngsters live a sedentary lifestyle Suggested revision: youngsters are living increasingly sedentary lives Why it matters: The progressive form suits a current trend, and the plural phrase is more natural.
- 10. Academic workload Original: school duties Suggested revision: schoolwork Why it matters: Schoolwork is the natural noun for study obligations.
- 11. Natural pressure phrase Original: pressure toward the children’s life Suggested revision: pressure on their children Why it matters: Pressure takes on, and the possessive phrase is unnecessary.
- 12. Gerund pattern Original: spend their time for study Suggested revision: spend their time studying Why it matters: Spend time is followed by a gerund.
Suggested Rewrites
- bring them in full of pressure place them under considerable pressure
- the parental pressure parental pressure
- causes provided by some solutions causes and propose some solutions
- for children education for their children's education
- university competition force competition for university places forces
- under-pressure even depression under severe pressure and may even cause depression
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response identifies two plausible causes—parental expectations and university competition—and offers matching solutions involving parental awareness and expanded university provision. These ideas are relevant but often repetitive or only partly developed, and the final sentence contradicts the proposed solution. Improve the cause-solution links, replace vague phrasing with precise language, and proofread grammar so the argument ends consistently and clearly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Relevant causes and solutions are presented, but development is sometimes general and the conclusion contradicts the argument.
Explain how each solution directly reduces workload or competition and correct the final claim.
Coherence and Cohesion
Basic paragraphing is appropriate, though connectors are repetitive and progression is occasionally unclear.
Use one cause per section and pair it directly with a specific solution.
Lexical Resource
The topic is communicated, but inaccurate collocations are frequent.
Use academic pressure, parental expectations, competitive admission and leisure activities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent agreement, article and clause errors reduce fluency, though meaning is usually recoverable.
Edit sentence subjects and verb forms systematically.