Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures? What measures should be taken to reduce this pressure?
Sample Response
With the ever-increasing competition and demands in life, a child’s family, school and society expect too much from the child. While it is important to excel in schools, sports, social activities and other aspects of life, those children should be shielded from the mounting pressures by maintaining a balance in their lives. Otherwise, the expectation would act as a boomerang and hamper their development.
The world has become far more competitive than ever before and this is causing stress on young children as well. For instance, I did not have to compete with anyone to get admitted to my primary school, but my nephew had to take an entrance exam to get enrolled in the same school, and just one in every twelve applicants was successful. Besides, we had plenty of time to enjoy ourselves and play in school; while this is different for today's young pupils. They attend classes, take evening coaching, and go to music and art schools; and all these activities are meant to fulfil their parents' dreams and the school's expectations. Today's parents want their children to be top scorers in school, math geniuses, as well as great soccer players and renowned artists. The problem is that it is not a rational and practical expectation but those expectations create more pressure on young minds. Moreover, the commercialisation of products which target young children is another problem we need to address as they also create stress on our children.
To address this issue, we have to draw a line to our expectations and find out the true potential of a child rather than pushing them constantly. The state should discourage having an entrance exam in elementary schools and have sufficient funds to ensure proper entertainment and sports facilities in academics. Moreover, teachers should not put pressure on children to do homework every day, and they should try to make school a place to learn in a fun way. Finally, social perspectives to prepare every boy or girl to become a doctor, engineer or a high-rank government employee should change immediately.
To conclude, modern children are being pushed beyond their limits to achieve academic, social and professional success, and this has unfathomable negative consequences. Parents and teachers should find the hidden talent of a child, not try to make them something they are not meant to be.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct singular noun Original: excel in schools Suggested revision: excel in school Why it matters: Use the singular uncountable sense of school when referring generally to academic achievement.
- 2. Clarify the reference Original: those children Suggested revision: children Why it matters: The demonstrative has no clear plural group to refer back to in the preceding clause.
- 3. Match the plural reference Original: the expectation would act Suggested revision: these expectations can act Why it matters: The plural demands just described require a plural reference, and the general consequence is better expressed with can.
- 4. Use concise wording Original: get enrolled in the same school Suggested revision: enrol in the same school Why it matters: The active verb is more direct and avoids an unnecessarily wordy passive construction.
- 5. Fix contrast punctuation Original: ; while Suggested revision: , whereas Why it matters: A semicolon cannot directly introduce the dependent while-clause used here.
- 6. Correct the collocation Original: take evening coaching Suggested revision: attend evening coaching sessions Why it matters: English normally uses attend with organised coaching sessions.
- 7. Choose a precise activity Original: go to music and art schools Suggested revision: attend music and art classes Why it matters: Classes more precisely describes the additional scheduled activities in this context.
- 8. Fix clause punctuation Original: ; and Suggested revision: , and Why it matters: A comma is the appropriate separator before and in this coordinated clause.
- 9. Use a defining relative Original: products which target young children Suggested revision: products that target young children Why it matters: That is the more natural relative pronoun for this defining clause.
- 10. Improve the collocation Original: create stress on our children Suggested revision: put pressure on children Why it matters: Put pressure on is the more natural collocation for the effect being described.
- 11. Correct the expression Original: draw a line to our expectations Suggested revision: set limits on our expectations Why it matters: Set limits on accurately expresses the intended idea of restraining expectations.
- 12. Use natural phrasing Original: find out the true potential of a child Suggested revision: identify a child's true potential Why it matters: Identify is more precise than find out for recognising a child's abilities.
Suggested Rewrites
- excel in schools excel in school
- those children children
- the expectation would act these expectations can act
- get enrolled in the same school enrol in the same school
- ; while , whereas
- take evening coaching attend evening coaching sessions
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response addresses both causes and measures directly, using a pertinent school-admission example and a clear progression from competitive pressures to practical action. Its main limitation is that commercial pressure is only mentioned rather than explained, while several otherwise sophisticated sentences contain awkward phrasing or punctuation. Developing that cause with the same specificity as the academic and social pressures would make the argument more evenly persuasive.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both parts of the task are answered with a clear position, relevant causes, and practical measures that are generally well developed.
Explain how commercial targeting creates pressure on children instead of mentioning it only briefly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a focused introduction, developed cause and solution paragraphs, and a concise conclusion.
Refine links within the longer cause paragraph so contrasts and additions flow without overloaded punctuation.
Lexical Resource
A broad, generally precise vocabulary conveys complex ideas effectively, with only occasional awkward collocations.
Replace imprecise combinations such as sports facilities in academics and social perspectives to prepare with more natural phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used with strong control, although a few agreement, reference, and punctuation lapses remain.
Check clause boundaries and pronoun or noun agreement in long sentences before finalising the response.