It is more important to spend public money promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree of disagree?
Sample Response
Many people say that in order to fight diseases, the government should invest more money in encouraging a healthy lifestyle instead of spending money on the treatment of people who are already suffering from illness. I advocate this point of view.
On one hand, I agree that a large proportion of state budget should be allocated to activities or campaigns that promote a healthy lifestyle. This is because a lot of diseases nowadays are actually the direct result of people’s unhealthy habits. For example, children who eat fast food on a daily basis commonly can suffer from a range of health issues, such as weight problems and obesity. These diseases can be prevented if people are made more aware of the severe consequences of an unhealthy diet. In addition, there are a number of incurable diseases, such as HIV, AIDS and many forms of cancer. Of course, there are drugs and treatments that can prolong the life of patients suffering from such diseases, but the better solution in this case is obviously trying to prevent these diseases from occurring, instead of trying to cure them, which can often place a heavy burden on patients’ families, and on society as a whole.
On the other hand, the treatment for people who are already ill should also receive adequate funding, due to the fact that some diseases simply cannot be prevented. People living in many tropical or coastal regions, for example, are highly vulnerable to water-borne diseases after a natural disaster such as a tsunami or heavy flooding. Additionally, there are also some illnesses and disorders that are inherited. For instance, if a person suffers from asthma, it is highly likely that his children will also contract respiratory related diseases, regardless of their diet or lifestyle. These mentioned cases would be almost impossible for people or the government to prevent, and therefore money needs to be spent on the treatment of patients.
In conclusion, both promoting a healthy lifestyle and spending money on the treatment of people who are already ill are equally important in the fight against diseases, and each country should develop flexible plans to adapt to different situations.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Complete the transition Original: On one hand Suggested revision: On the one hand Why it matters: The conventional paired transition is “on the one hand ... on the other hand.”
- 2. Add the article Original: proportion of state budget Suggested revision: proportion of the state budget Why it matters: The specific government budget needs the definite article “the.”
- 3. Place adverb naturally Original: commonly can suffer Suggested revision: can commonly suffer Why it matters: The frequency adverb normally follows the modal verb “can.”
- 4. Avoid category overlap Original: weight problems and obesity Suggested revision: weight problems such as obesity Why it matters: The revision shows that obesity is an example of a weight problem rather than a separate category.
- 5. Match the plural noun Original: prolong the life of patients Suggested revision: prolong patients’ lives Why it matters: The plural possessive construction correctly refers to the individual lives of multiple patients.
- 6. Use infinitive complement Original: the better solution in this case is obviously trying Suggested revision: a better solution in this case is to try Why it matters: The complement after “solution is” should use the infinitive “to try” here.
- 7. Avoid repeated wording Original: instead of trying to cure them Suggested revision: rather than treating them Why it matters: This preserves the contrast while avoiding repetition of “trying” and the inaccurate implication that all such diseases can be cured.
- 8. Correct the preposition Original: for Suggested revision: of Why it matters: “Treatment of people” is the appropriate construction when referring to patients receiving care.
- 9. Use concise connector Original: due to the fact that Suggested revision: because Why it matters: “Because” expresses the same causal relationship more directly.
- 10. Remove double addition Original: Additionally, there are also Suggested revision: Additionally, there are Why it matters: “Additionally” already signals addition, so “also” is redundant.
- 11. Use natural reference Original: These mentioned cases Suggested revision: These cases Why it matters: “These” already identifies the previously mentioned cases, making “mentioned” unnecessary and unnatural.
Suggested Rewrites
- On one hand On the one hand
- proportion of state budget proportion of the state budget
- commonly can suffer can commonly suffer
- weight problems and obesity weight problems such as obesity
- prolong the life of patients prolong patients’ lives
- the better solution in this case is obviously trying a better solution in this case is to try
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents well-developed, relevant arguments for both prevention and treatment, supported by specific examples and expressed with strong linguistic control. The principal weakness is that the opening appears to endorse prioritising prevention, whereas the conclusion judges both forms of spending equally important, making the position inconsistent. State that nuanced position from the outset and preserve it throughout the discussion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both sides are explored in depth with relevant support, but the stated position shifts between the introduction and conclusion.
Present the equal-funding position clearly in the introduction and ensure every paragraph consistently supports that degree of agreement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are sequenced logically in well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly through the argument.
Make the relationship between the initial thesis and the balanced paragraph structure fully explicit to sharpen overall progression.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary is used flexibly, with only occasional awkward collocations that do not impede communication.
Refine less natural phrases such as commonly can suffer and these mentioned cases to achieve more consistently idiomatic expression.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, and the few errors or awkward constructions are minor.
Polish modifier placement and compound adjective forms, particularly in phrases such as respiratory-related diseases.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
It is more important to spend public money promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree of disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.